MST3K: The Masque of the Baron, Part Three

< Back to Part Two

 {CONTINUED FROM PART THREE}

 {THIS IS THE LAST PART -- HONEST!}


[6...5...4...3...2...*]

[Theater. All enter and sit. TOM is still grumbling about being
interrupted. After a few moments, he calms down.]

>
>
>EPISODE SEVEN: in which the Masque begins in earnest

MIKE: Seven episodes into this story and it *still* hasn't started?

>
> Terri slumped disconsolately against the stone wall of their
>prison, immediately feeling her back dampen. They were not far from the
>Seine. She sneezed.

TOM: Oh, this must be were Montressor keeps his Amontillado.
CROW: Do you suppose Fortunato's skeletal remains will fall out of the
 wall now?
MIKE: At the rate we're going, there'll be a black, one-eyed cat
 sitting on its head and a raven'll knock at the door.

> "Bless you," said Adam and the Doctor in unison.
> She looked up. The Doctor looked tired. Adam looked apologetic.

TOM: <Adam> Well, excuuuuuse me!

>His expression only reminded Terri of what had transpired not ten minutes
>before, which made her very annoyed.

CROW: Until then, she had had no recollection whatsoever of the
 confrontation with the Baron.
MIKE: Talk about a mood swing.
TOM: <Terri> Oh yeah, I'm supposed to be pissed now!

> "Adam," she said, keeping her voice
>firmly under control, "just what do you think you're doing?"

CROW: <HAL> ...Dave? Dave, I really think I'm entitled to an answer to that
 question.

> Adam started, managing to look both hurt and confused at the same
>time. "What do you mean?" he asked.
> "You know damn well . . .," she began, trailing off as she
>remembered the Doctor. He didn't know about the Watchers.

MIKE: <Terri> Oh yeah, the Doctor's here!
TOM: Boy, she's forgetful.

> Or about his
>Chronicle. Terri squirmed mentally as she pictured telling her superiors
>that the Doctor was something even less human than an Immortal. Suddenly
>she realized that the unassuming alien was staring curiously at her.

CROW: ...idly wondering if she'd go better with horseradish or gravy.

>Unnerved, she turned back to Adam and said, "Who are you, really?"
> Adam sighed. "Well, you'd've worked it out eventually," he said.

TOM: Revelation coming up...5...4...3...2...1....

>"I'm Methos."

TOM: ....we have comprehension. I repeat, we have comprehension.

> Terri started. --Methos? she thought. It doesn't make sense! Why
>would Methos become his own Watcher . . . . No. On second thoughts, it
>makes perfect sense, she thought.

MIKE: *Too* much sense. So Terri began planning a subtle way of disposing of
 Methos and the so-called "Doctor."
CROW: <Terri, hysterical> I can see it all now....the conspiracy, the secret
 asides to the audience.... Yyyeeahahahahahaha!!!!!

> "Ah," was all she said.
> "Excuse me if I'm interrupting something," said the Doctor
>politely, "but could one of you elaborate? I'm afraid you both seem to
>know something I don't."
> Adam -- no, he's Methos, thought Terri -- sighed again. "I'm not
>only an Immortal but . . . I'm the oldest Immortal."

MIKE: <Doctor> So you're not only an old guy, you're a really old guy.
 So what? I met Rassilon once. He's, like, 10 million years old!
TOM: <Methos> Hey, I'm just a guy.
CROW: <Zig Halfrunt> He'z just zis guy, y'know?

> The Doctor frowned. "I still don't follow. If you're immortal,
>how can the Baron 'sacrifice' you? And why does it matter that you're the
>oldest?"

TOM: Sit back folks and watch Kirstin attempt to explain the entire
 concept of "Highlander" in 100 words or less.

> Terri bit her lip, unsure of what to do. She winced as her tooth
>struck the sore spot she bitten earlier.

CROW: <Terri> Ow! Oh, I hate it when that happens....

> "Where to begin?" muttered Methos.
> Now Terri spoke up. "Tell him about the Game," she said.
> "Well," began Methos, "when two Immortals fight, . . ."

TOM: Is anyone going to interrupt him?

>

TOM: No! We have a surprise cutaway! Kirstin has chickened out! Repeat,
 Kirstin has chickened out!

> Michel sat calmly in the darkness below Paris. He was very happy.
>Already, his people's raids on the establishment had won the notice of the
>police and the media. At least sixty men who'd stood in their way were now
>dead in the streets, including two policemen.

MIKE: Oh, come on, are we really supposed to believe that the Baron's
 cockamamie plan of using disgruntled teens to wreak havoc would be
 this successful?

> And in a few minutes, the best would begin. A small dose of terror
>on the Metro, a warning . . . a taste of what was to come.

CROW: <Jonathon Pryce> A taste of death....so that he might know it when
 the time comes.

> Michel frowned briefly. It would not be pleasant, especially when
>it came time to clear the bodies from the underground trains. But if it
>had to be, then it had to be.

TOM: C'est la vie.
MIKE: C'est la guerre.
CROW: Say cheese!

> The oppression could not continue.
> And he had already spent too much time sitting.

MIKE: His butt was aching big-time.
CROW: OSHA inspections must be hell on secret hideouts.

> Michel leapt
>decisively from his seat and went off in search of the Baron.
>
> "Well," said the Doctor, "we can't hang about in this cell any
>longer," he said. Already they had spent too much time there, growing damp
>instead of growing closer to a solution. What Adam -- Methos, he corrected
>himself -- had just told him was worrying him tremendously.

TOM: <Doctor> The Vikings beat the Packers again? Oh, no!

> Methos looked up in surprise at the Doctor's words. "Are you
>saying we have a choice in the matter?" he asked.
> The Doctor smiled. He prided himself on his skill in escaping
>dungeons.

MIKE: Doctor Who cliche #811: the convenient escape.

> "I've escaped from stronger prisons than this. Don't worry," he
>said, and brandished his new sonic screwdriver proudly.

MIKE: And Doctor Who cliche #205: the sonic screwdriver saves the day.

> "What's that?" asked Terri.
> "A sonic screwdriver," answered the Doctor happily. "Our way out,"
>he said. He moved to the old, oaken door,

CROW: Somebody built an oak door in a sewer? Yeah, right!

> pressing his ear up against it.
>He heard a single pair of footsteps, retreating into the distance, and then
>silence. He smiled.
> "How's that going to get us out of here?" asked Methos,
>disbelievingly.

TOM: <Doctor> It's a plot device. Just trust me.

> The Doctor frowned at the ancient Immortal. "Have some faith, my
>good man. Just because you're five times my age doesn't mean you know
>everything there is to know."
> Methos frowned back. "Five times?" he answered, still skeptical.
>"But that'd make you a thousand years old. That's not possible. You're
>mortal."

MIKE: Oh great, now we get an expose on Time Lord biology....
CROW: Don't worry. Kirstin isn't going to bother with that either.

> The Doctor grinned. "Yes, and I've died six times already. I told
>you: I'm a Time Lord. We live a long time."
> "So," said Terri, "do Time Lords ever die of old age?"

CROW: That's a good question. Do they?
TOM: Well, theoretically. Those really old Time Lords in "The Invasion of
 Time" were pretty decrepit.
MIKE: Don't forget the decaying Master in "The Deadly Assassin."
TOM: I wish I could. Eeeulllch. <shudder>

> Then she
>blushed. "Sorry . . . I shouldn't have said . . . I was just curious. No
>offense."
> "None taken," replied the Doctor brightly. He found himself
>growing rather fond of Terri.

TOM: I bet a million bucks she becomes a companion.
MIKE: Oh, I hope not. That would mean sequels.

> He put his ear back the door for a moment.
>There was no sound, so he activated the sonic screwdriver and got to work
>on the lock. "A Time Lord, if he keeps in good health, can live up to
>12,000 years. Hardly any do. It would be terribly boring."

CROW: <Doctor> I mean, really! There is no night-life to speak of on
 Gallifrey, the theaters show nothing but Andrew Lloyd Webber
 and Disney On Ice, it takes ten times as much alcohol to
 intoxicate a Time Lord, so it's really not worth trying, and
 the only stand-up comic is a Gallagher clone.

> "I can relate to that," said Methos, chuckling.
> "Indeed," said the Doctor. "But you can't imagine how tedious life
>is back on Gallifrey!"

TOM: I'll say! Judging by the "Doctor Who" episodes set there, it's
 nothing but invasions, energy crises and political intrigue
 all day long! Talk about boring!

> Three of the lock's six pins slid neatly back and
>the Doctor smiled, pleased. "The High Council operates on a strict policy
>of non-intervention,"

MIKE: ...which they disregard as neccesary.

> the Doctor said, frowning as Terri chuckled for no
>apparent reason, "discouraging travel and encouraging people to sit and
>gather dust."

CROW: <Minnewegian> Oooh, you should put dust covers over dose Gallifreyans.
 Keeps 'em nice and clean, dontcha know.

> Another pin slid back and the Doctor spared a glance at Terri and
>Methos, who were grinning like idiots.

TOM: Take out "grinning like" and you've got that about right.

> He frowned severely at them and
>returned to his work. "I mean, how could I possibly have stayed behind,
>dedicating my life to the study of the Gallifreyan flutterwing?"

CROW: Flutterwing? What kind of stupid made-up critter is that?
MIKE: An airborn tafleshrew, maybe?

> The last two pins slid back and the Doctor turned. "What ever are
>you smiling at?" he asked the two humans.
> Terri answered. "Oh, nothing," she said, grinning from ear to ear.

CROW: Okay, I give up. What's the joke, here?
TOM: Kirstin's trying to make a joke about the Watchers and the Time Lords.
 They've both got strict policies of non-intervention.
CROW: Ah.

> "If you're smiling at nothing, than my name's Rassilon," said the
>Doctor.

TOM: Actually, if you watch "Silver Nemesis" and "Remembrance of the Daleks"
 in the right light....
MIKE: Watch it Tom, or you'll start another flame war on rec.arts.drwho.

> "Look, I've got the lock open. We can go now," he said, pushing
>the door open a crack and peering cautiously around it. There was no one
>there, so the three of them all filed out into the hall.
> "I'm impressed," said Methos.

CROW: <Peri> I'm suitably impressed.
TOM: <surprised> I thought you didn't watch Doctor Who.
CROW: I don't. I watch Peri. Rrrrrr!

> "Hush," said the Doctor. "We must keep quiet.

MIKE: <Doctor> Or the bad people will get us.

> Follow me," he
>said, leading them away from the illuminated route and into pitch
>blackness.

TOM: They were immediately attacked by grues.
CROW: But the Doctor whips out his trusty sonic screwdriver while Methos
 brandishes the +4 Mace of Smiting and Terri uses her magic-user
 abilities to prepare a fireball spell.

> "Do you know where you're going, Doctor?" whispered Terri.
> "Yes," replied the Doctor shortly, thinking hard. "I've been here
>before, a long time ago. A group of gypsies showed me the way."

MIKE: Sylvester McCoy IS "The Hunchback of Notre Dame!"

>And he fell silent, leading them on by touch.
>
> Terri blinked furiously at the sunlight that was stabbing into her
>dark-adjusted eyes. They had just emerged from a manhole cover, much to
>the surprise of the alley cat sitting atop it.

MIKE: <cat> Rrrrowwwl!
TOM: <cat> Hsssssss!

> The Doctor was apologizing
>to the cat,

CROW: <Cat from "Red Dwarf"> He *should* apologize! Just look what he
 did to my suit!

> while Methos was brushing rock dust off his clothing.
> Getting from the old catacombs into the modern storm sewers had
>required crawling through a very rough and very narrow tunnel. She was
>glad to be out in the open air again, after half an hour of dank
>stuffiness.

MIKE: Half an hour of dank stuffiness? Sounds like my phy-ed class!

> She breathed deeply, happy to taste fresh air. Then the
>Doctor's voice cut in on her reverie.
> "Terri, Methos," he started.

CROW: "Doctor, Doctor," they finished.

> "No," interrupted Methos. "In the open, call me Adam," he said
>quietly. Terri thought about this and realized that he was absolutely
>right. If any of the other Watchers found out who he was, they'd have an
>apoplectic fit.

TOM: Actually, a couple of them do eventually find out who he is and try to
 kill him. So this is pretty sensible.

> And if another Immortal found out . . . . She shivered.
>It was still very difficult for her to think of Adam as the kind of person
>who routinely cuts off other people's heads.

MIKE: Hey, don't perpetuate a stereotype, Terri! They don't *all* routinely
 hack people's heads off.

> The Doctor was talking again. "We need to work out what to do," he
>said. "As my TARDIS is out of the question . . ."
> "Why?" asked Terri.
> "It's bound to be guarded," replied the Doctor. "As I was saying,
>as we can't go there, we should find some place to talk."

TOM: When evil lurks around the corner, don't fight it; talk about it!
CROW: <John Cleese> This calls for immediate discussion!

> Methos -- no, thought Terri, I might as well go back to calling him
>Adam, since it's what I'm used to and what he wants -- nodded. "Why don't
>we just talk and walk?" he asked.

MIKE: Talk the talk and walk the walk?

> The Doctor seemed to consider this for a moment, then he nodded and
>set off towards the river. Adam turned to follow and Terri jogged to catch
>up. "So," she said, trailing behind the two men, "what do you think he
>wants?"

CROW: Where does *he* want to go today?
MIKE: Beats me, but I have a feeling Microsoft will tell him.

> The Doctor shook his head. "I don't know," he replied, a sharp
>edge to his voice, "but it can't be good."
> Adam nodded. "I only wish I knew who he was," he said. He
>suddenly turned, walking backwards to face Terri. "You've been researching
>people like the Baron. Have you heard of him?"

TOM: <Terri, snooty> Well, *you've* been around for 5,000 years. Have *you*
 heard of him?
CROW: Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't they work more or less together?
 So shouldn't they have roughly the same knowledge base?

> Terri sighed. "I'd've told you by now," she said. "There's no
>Immortal called the Baron There isn't even anyone remotely like him, in
>any of the books!" she said, throwing up her hands.

MIKE: ...then catching them and throwing them back up again.

> She almost tripped
>over the Doctor, for he had stopped suddenly.
> The little Time Lord turned. There was a curious look in his eyes.
>"What do you mean, 'in any of the books?'" he asked.
> Terri swallowed, hard.

CROW: <Terri> Oops.

> She looked at Adam for support. He
>shrugged apologetically.

TOM: <Adam> Not my problem.

> There was little street traffic, which relieved
>Terri immensely.

MIKE: Why, is she claustrophobic?

> It was half past noon, and a nearby electronics shop wore
>a sign proclaiming that it was closed for lunch. "Well," she said,
>"there's an organization called the Watchers that . . . well, that sorta
>keeps tabs on the Immortals."

TOM: Ow. That line came almost verbatim out of "Treklander II."
MIKE: How does that compare to "Highlander II"?
CROW: Worse, Mike. Much worse.
MIKE: Yeeesh.

> The Doctor frowned. Terri felt her heart sink into her stomach.
>--He must have worked it out, she thought. He must have figured out that
>I'm his Watcher, and now he's pissed at me, not that I can blame him.
> But much to Terri's relief, the Doctor simply said, "Well, you
>don't need to 'keep tabs' on the Baron.

MIKE: His bar tab will be much too steep anyway.

> He's not an Immortal."
> "What?" asked Adam, surprised. "But he must be. I Sensed him.
>And if he isn't Immortal, than what is he?"

TOM: An alien. Duh!
CROW: Time to call in Mulder and Scully!

> The Doctor shook his head. "I'm not sure," he said.

MIKE: There's a change. The Doctor admitting he's not sure.

> "But he's a
>very powerful telepath, more powerful even than most Time Lords. Far too
>powerful for a human.

TOM: Way more powerful. I mean, you wouldn't believe how powerful this
 guy is. He is power incarnate. Oh my yes.
MIKE: Sooo...power, then.
TOM: Oh yes.

> And he spoke of travelling, of finding . . ."

CROW: ...the perfect picnic spot.

>The Doctor trailed off for a moment. Terri supposed he was thinking back
>to their meeting. ". . . of finding 'no morsel as tasty as your kind.'

CROW: And the perfect picnic entree!

>Or something like that."
> Adam shuddered. "Yes," he said. "I'd blissfully forgotten that."
>A television screen in the electronics shop caught Terri's eye.

MIKE: <Terri> Ow! Hey, give me my eye back!

> It was
>displaying a terrible scene.

TOM: "The Postman" had been dubbed into French.

> Mutilated corpses were strewn across the
>floor of Le Printemps, a large department store. "Look," she said, her
>voice quaking. Her two companions followed her gaze and started at what
>they saw.

CROW: Sheesh, why is everyone always "starting" in this fanfic? Can't they
 ever finish one thing before starting another?

> Le Printemps had closed. What else could they do? The dead bodies
>belonged mostly to customers, although two off-duty policemen had tried to
>stop the carnage, in the end only adding their corpses to the travesty of
>justice.

TOM: What about the travesty of this fanfic?

> Witnesses said that the villains were mostly children between 15
>and 18.
> "Too young to drive," said the Doctor, "but not too old to kill."

CROW: Old enough to gamble...
MIKE: ...but not in France...
CROW: ...and old enough to drink...
MIKE: ...but not in the US.
TOM: Interesting priorities those two countries have.

>There was a hardness in his voice. "And to think I wondered what he needed
>them for."
> The scene shifted from Le Printemps to a subway.

CROW: <customer> Yeah, I'll have the Cold Cut Trio, with mayo, lettuce, black
 olives and mustard. And don't skimp on the lettuce this time.

> No one quite knew
>what had happened, but somehow a panic had broken out on board the train,
>just before it arrived at (ironically) Place de la Concorde.

TOM: There's a square in Paris named for the SST? Cool!
MIKE: Not the Concorde, Tom!
TOM: Oh, so it's named in honor of Paul Revere?
MIKE: No! It means "peace!"

> A hundred and
>six people had died, some stabbed, others trampled by the panicked crowd as
>it tried to escape its doom. There were a few survivors, all of whom
>talked of hearing disembodied voices telling them that there was a bomb on
>board, ready to explode at any moment, that they were unfit for modern
>life, that they were going to pay for their oppression.

CROW: The police have ruled out foul play, citing the disembodied voices as
 insufficient reason to suspect terrorist activity.

> No bomb had been found. Nor was there any kind of recording
>device. The two events were linked only by proximity of time: they occured
>within twenty minutes of each other.

TOM: The fact that both incidents involved mass slaughter and terrorism
 was dismissed as coincidence.

> "Doctor," said Terri, her throat catching on the words, "I just
>thought of something."
> "What's that?" asked the Doctor.

MIKE: <Terri> If I switched to 10-10-321, I'd save up to 10% on all calls
 over 10 minutes!

> "Back when I was starting out as a Watcher," she said, "I remember
>reading about an Immortal who was killed in the French Revolution."

TOM: Uh oh....gratuitous continuity reference at 10 o'clock!

> Adam gasped. "Yes!" he said. "I know about that one too! He was
>guillotined in place of his friend, Connor MacLeod."

CROW: And "Highlander III" makes its cameo appearance!
MIKE: You know, it never ceases to amaze me how a franchise with so many
 continuity blunders and massive retcons can make so many
 gratuitous continuity references.

> His eyes had grown
>very wide. "He was killed by the Terror. Do you suppose . . ."
> ". . . that the Terror was engineered by the Baron?" finished the
>Doctor. "It's entirely possible." Terri felt her heart grow cold.

TOM: It kept growing colder until it froze and Terri died of cardiac
 arrest. The end!

>Thousands had died in the Reign of Terror.

CROW: It was simply terrifying!

> "We must stop him," said the Doctor. "Before it's too late."
> Terri shivered. It would be a long time before she could retrieve
>her Pugeot and go get some sleep.

MIKE: <hypnotist> SLEEEEEP!

> For that matter, she reflected, it'd
>probably be a long time before she could sleep soundly anyway.
> She shivered again, wondering how the Doctor remained so impassive
>through all this horror.
>
>
>EPISODE EIGHT: in which our heroes fight back

CROW: Against the author, I hope.

>
> "I still think this is a bad idea," said Terri.
> "Nonsense," said the Doctor as he used the tip of his umbrella to
>lever up the manhole cover. "We've got lanterns this time." He beamed up
>at Terri.

TOM: <Doctor> In fact, I *am* the lantern! <normal> 'Cuz he...beamed...
MIKE: We get it, Tom.

> Terri sighed and the Doctor returned to his work. "I would
>appreciate some help," he said.
> Adam bent down and helped the Doctor lift the cover free. "She's
>probably right, you know," he said.

CROW: So why are *you* going along with it, Mr "Don't Take Risks?"

> The Doctor met Adam's eyes. He sighed inwardly. The whole plan
>was a gamble, yes. But then, it was always a gamble, wasn't it?

TOM: <gambler> Hit me!
MIKE: Sure. <hits Tom>
TOM: Hey!
 [CROW chuckles]

> But he couldn't tell the two humans that. It would only worry them
>unneccesarily.
> --What about worrying me unneccesarily? asked a little voice inside
>of him. The Doctor had no answer.

CROW: Uh oh, the voices in his head are talking again!
TOM: Maybe the voice is his conscience.
MIKE: <singing> "Give a little whistle!" <whistles>

> "I know," said the Doctor finally, looking Adam in the eye. "But
>we can't afford the delay of contacting the police or military. We must
>get to my TARDIS as quickly as possible." And he slipped down the manhole.

TOM: Of course, since the TARDIS is *guarded*, as he said before, they'll
 be captured as soon as they get there. Which will make the whole
 trip pointless.

> It was very dark and dank at the bottom. But it was also empty,
>which was the Doctor's main concern at the moment. "Come on down!" he
>called. "It's quite safe!"

MIKE: <Doctor> Whoa..whoa...whooooooaaah! <splash>

> The two Watchers followed him down into the murky darkness of the
>manhole. Terri landed with an "oof" and cast a recriminating glance at the
>Doctor.

CROW: <Doctor> Oh, and be careful on the last rung. It's slippery.

> Switching on his lantern, the Doctor peered at the walls with
>interest. "Lime," he said, indicating the crystalline fuzz growing out of
>cracks in the brick walls. "This sewer will take us there much quicker."

TOM: He can tell from the fact that the sewer is poorly kept up?
MIKE: He must've been an Eagle Scout in his first incarnation.
CROW: Wouldn't that be a Flutterwing Scout?

> "That's very nice, Doctor," said Adam, a tone of irritation in his
>voice.
>
> ". . . and the terror continues unabated. In recent developments,
>an ultimatum was delivered to all the major news agencies . . ."

CROW: The plot contrivance news channel; bringing you the best in exposition
 24 hours a day.

> "Switch it off," said the Baron, sitting in the vast and nearly
>empty meeting hall. Only Michel was with him.

TOM: <chuckles> I guess Michel would qualify as "nearly empty."

> Michel stood and turned to face his mentor. His face was glowing
>with pride. "We have won," he said. "They are listening to our words,
>they are hearing the truth!

MIKE: But I thought the truth was out there?

> We have won!" And he threw his hands
>exuberantly up into the air.
> The Baron chuckled and Michel dropped his hands to his sides. "We
>have won the first battle, my friend," he said. "But the war has just
>begun."

CROW: <Baron> The war on flab, that is. Tell me the truth: do I look
 chubby in this outfit?

> Michel felt his heart sink. "But . . . but they are frightened,"
>he said. "And so they listen! They cannot help but to understand that we
>are right."
> "No," said the Baron, decisively. "Society will fight back."

TOM: With bad TV, lame movies, and singers who can't sing!
MIKE: Already happened.

>Michel sank to the floor in distress. He had caused so many deaths this
>day. Could it possibly get any worse?

TOM: If you're a cliche, you should never *ever* ask that question.

> The Baron lept out of his chair and knelt down before Michel. "Be
>strong!" he said, gripping Michel firmly by the shoulders. "You must not
>give up now. It is too late to turn back."

CROW: It's worse.
MIKE: <David Bowie> Turn back, Sarah, turn back before it's too late!

> Michel nodded. --The Baron is absolutely right, he thought. I
>cannot go back now. "I'll try," he said, smiling wanly.
> "Good," said the Baron, grinning proudly. He patted Michel
>reassuringly on the shoulder, but the young man was not comforted. "Have
>you sent out a search party yet?"

TOM: <prissy falsetto> No, I still have to make individualized name cards
 and pick up the decorations at Paper Warehouse.

> Michel was glad to talk of something else. "Yes. The prisoners
>should turn up any minute now."
> "Good," repeated the Baron, a curious tone to his voice. "Very
>good indeed."

CROW: <Baron> In fact, it's better than good. So good you won't believe
 it. Amazingly good. And if you act now, all this can be yours!

> Michel blinked. For a moment, he wondered at the Baron. He'd
>heard something new in his mentor's voice.

TOM: Hey, did the Baron's voice finally break?

> It souded an awful lot like lust.
> It frightened him.

CROW: No kiddin'. <shudders>

>
> "Here we are," whispered the Doctor, poking his head up above a
>pile of stone. Terri and Adam both peered over the rockfall as well to see
>the TARDIS, standing in the middle of the high chamber they'd materialized
>in not twenty hours before.

MIKE: It's lucky they had that convenient rockfall to hide behind.

> --Was it really only last night? Terri asked herself. So much had
>happened in between that she'd quite lost track of time. "Well," she said.
>"What now?"

CROW: <alien bad guy from "The Last Starfighter"> We die.

> "We turn off our lanterns," said the Doctor. Terri made a face at
>his back. She'd already switched off her battery-operated lantern.
> "I mean, what's the plan?" asked Terri.

MIKE: <Doctor> We'll run up and down corridors for a while to keep the
 budget down, occasionally meeting henchmen who look a lot like
 the henchmen who were killed in the last story, and then meet
 the Baron for our final conflict where I'll say a moral, either
 you or Methos will be almost killed, and then I'll whip up a
 gadget to save the day.

> The Doctor did not answer immediately. Adam prodded him in the
>shoulder. "Doctor," he said. "Time is essential, you said."
> "I know," replied the Time Lord. "I was trying to work out our
>best approach to the TARDIS."

TOM: <Patrick Troughton> Brigadier, the shortest distance between two
 points might be a straight line, but it is by no means the most
 interesting.

> "I say damn the torpedos and just run for it," said Terri.
> Adam grinned at her. "What ever happened to your caution, Terri?"

CROW: Whatever happened to yours, "Adam?" You're supposed to be Methos, the
 guy who said that having friends was too risky!

>She stuck her tongue out at him.
> "There isn't time for this," interrupted the Doctor. "I think it
>would be best if we slip quietly along the rock wall over there, under the
>catwalk."

MIKE: <singing> Under the catwalk...
'BOTS: <singing> ...catwalk...
MIKE: <singing> We'll be having fun...
'BOTS: <singing> ...under the catwalk....

> "And then what?" asked Terri.
> "Then we nip into the TARDIS, pick up a few things, and go,"
>replied the Doctor.
> "Like what?" asked Adam.
> "Oh, just little things.

CROW: You know: things.
TOM: What kind of things?
CROW: Just things. Like my thing, and the other thing, with the thing
 that does that thing. You know?

> Like the dimensional stabilizer. If my
>suspicions are correct, we'll need it."
> "And if not?" asked Adam.

MIKE: <Doctor> We'll all die.

> The Doctor grinned and replied, "Oh, I'll think of something." Not
>for the first time, Terri wondered how he kept so calm in the face of such
>malevolence. She felt as though she were preparing to fight off an F-14
>with a bow and arrow.

CROW: Of course, the bow is a ballista and the arrow is a heat-seeking
 anti-aircraft missile, so this is not a major problem.

> "So," she said, trying to sound bold in spite of her fears, "what
>does this dimensional thingumabobber look like?"

TOM: <Doctor> Sorta like a cross between a hyperspace whatchamacallit
 and a temporal doohickey.

> "It's a vital component of the TARDIS," replied the Doctor. "It's
>located on the underside of the console, next to the warp ellipse cut-out."
> "Thanks," said Terri sarcastically. "That really helps."

MIKE: <Terri, snotty> I guess I know who I'm *not* asking next time I need
 the world saved. Jeez.

> "Well," said Adam, an impatient pitch to his voice, "you can show
>us what it looks like when we get there."
> "Right," said the Doctor. He rose from his crouch behind the rock
>pile and began picking his way towards the TARDIS. Adam followed.
> "Wait for me!" called Terri.

TOM: <Terri, little kid voice> Can I come with? Pleeeeease?

> The Doctor cast her a reproachful
>glance

CROW: Why is everybody's casting glances in this?
MIKE: They ran out of casting rods, so the casting coach went to get a
 cast put on an old broken one to stop people casting aspersions.

> and Adam gestured frantically for her to be quiet. "Oops," she
>said, shrugging apologetically.

TOM: <Terri> I think I doomed us all. Sorry. Hope you don't mind.

> But she had no time to catch up to them.
> A band of half a dozen teenage boys leapt out of hiding, ambushing
>Adam and the Doctor.

TOM: See? I told you they'd get caught.

> Terri was startled to see Adam swiftly draw his sword
>and attempt to ward off the attackers. For one calm moment, Terri wondered
>where he kept the sword, since she'd never noticed it before.

MIKE: Highlander cliche #89: 36-inch swords can be completely concealed in
 any kind of clothing so that not even metal detectors can find 'em.
CROW: *Any* kind of clothing?
MIKE: Yep. Even the Emma Peel suit Elizabeth Gracen wore in the pilot for
 "Highlander: the Raven."

> "Terri!" called the Doctor, frantic.
> But she was paralyzed by indecision and did not know what to do.
>She watched as three boys quickly overpowered the little Time Lord. "Run!"
>he shouted. "Save yourself!" And then one of the boys struck him on the
>head with a blackjack.

TOM: Heh. Looks like the house won that hand.

> Terri gasped to see the Doctor fall unconcious just as easily as
>anyone else. She didn't know why; she supposed that she'd expected him to
>be somehow stronger than an ordinary man.
> Adam fared no better. Apparently, the boys had been briefed on how
>to take him down, because instead of trying to overpower him, they simply
>shot him.

CROW: Yay! The fanfic's over! <cheers>
MIKE: Hate to disappoint you, but Adam's Immortal. He's not dead.
CROW: Aww, man....

> "No!" cried Terri as Adam fell limply to the ground. "Bastards!"

TOM: <Paul McGann> Graaaaaaaaaaace!!!!

> "Who's there?" barked one of the boys. Terri stood indecisively
>for a moment longer.

CROW: Story of her life.

> Then, as four of the boys began trussing up the
>prisoners, the remaining two readied their weapons and moved quickly
>towards her position.
> Without a second thought, Terri turned tail and fled into the dank
>darkness of the catacombs.

MIKE: Ah, yes. The requisite "running-down-a-corridor" scene.
CROW: This is a catacomb, not a corridor.
MIKE: It counts.

> Even the overpowering musk of centuries of
>decay did nothing to slow her flight.
>
> "What about the woman?" asked Jacques as he peered into the
>darkness after Terri.

TOM: Darkness here, darkness there, a dark Baron, the darkness within
 people's souls, a dark night.... Is the fanfic trying to save
 money on the lighting, or what?

> "Leave her," replied Luc, wrapping a length of nylon rope around
>the Doctor's wrists. He gestured for two of his conrades to do likewise
>for Adam. "These two are the only ones of consequence."

MIKE: <Luc> We must leave her so the plot can progress.

 [ALL stand and leave the theater.]


 [Cut to Spaghetti Ball and commercials.]


[SoL]

[TOM, MIKE, and CROW are behind the desk. There is a computer sitting on top
of it.]

CROW: This is one *baaaad* fanfic.
MIKE: Oh, come on, it's not as bad as some of the stuff we've read.
TOM: Maybe so, maybe there've been worse things, but it's still bad.

[The computer beeps out the Eudora "new mail" sound.]

CROW: <AOL guy> You've got mail!
TOM: Oh, maybe it's my Oracularity!
MIKE: Your *what*?
CROW: Remember when I told you about the Internet Oracle, Mike? Tom must've
 sent in a question.

[MIKE moves to the computer and clicks the mouse a few times.]

MIKE: Well, whaddya know! The Oracle replies! What'd you ask it?
TOM: Oh, I just asked about the fanfic.
CROW: Let's read it.
MIKE: Cambot, can you put this on still-store?

[CAMBOT brings it up so we can all read it.]

 |The Internet Oracle has pondered your question deeply.
 |Your question was:
 |
 |> Hey, Oracle! Tom Servo here. I'm on a break from
 |> reading this stinkeroo of a crossover fanfic. Y'know
 |> how it goes. Anyway, I'm trying to figure out what in
 |> the heck the author was thinking when she took
 |> characters from "Highlander: the Series," The French
 |> Revolution, and "Doctor Who" and threw them all
 |> together.
 |> 
 |> Thanks, Orrie. You're a pal. 
 |
 |And in response, thus spake the Oracle:
 |
 |} Well, let's channel the past into this insane person's mind.
 |} 
 |} *BORT*
 |} Well now... I'm gonna write the best damn 'fic EVER! Now... Let's
 |} see... Oh! I know! Why don't I write a Highlander fanfic? That'd be
 |} great!
 |} 
 |} Now, what should it be about... A new immortal? Nah, been done
 |} already. Hmm... Why not a crossover? That's a nifty idea. With what
 |} now... Star Trek? No, that wouldn't work. Ranma 1/2? Who am I
 |} kidding here? Bah.
 |} 
 |} "Hey, sis, why not crossover Dr. Who?"
 |} 
 |} That is by far the STUPIDEST idea I've ever heard! Go away, I'm
 |} working!
 |} 
 |} "OK, OK, don't have a hissy fit."
 |} 
 |} Ha. Shmuck. That sounds like a good idea... I'll be damned if I admit
 |} it to him though. OK. To recap, we have Highlander and Dr. Who.
 |} Pretty good so far. Let's go on the net to see if anyone's ever done
 |} this before. OK. What? What the hell is this? Bloody kid brother
 |} better stop accessing those porn sites on MY computer. Little pervert.
 |} 
 |} What? Damn, it's been done! OK, it still sounds like a good idea, but
 |} I need to add something to make it different. Why not... Use people
 |} from the French Revolution! Yes! I AM SO SMART! I am so smart!
 |} S-M-R-T! Oops, I mean S-M-A-R-T!
 |} 
 |} <types> Wow, this is GOOD. I am so talented! I want to send it to
 |} some of my net friends...
 |} 
 |} <sends copies>
 |} 
 |} Wow, replies already! What? This is evil?? No, he's just a moron.
 |} This is a good story.
 |} 
 |} <types> Done! Let's post this sucker...
 |} 
 |} *BORT*
 |} 
 |} How awful. *shudder* I'll tell you what, TS. Since I like you so
 |} much, I'll do you and the rest of humanity a favor.
 |} 
 |} <brandishes Staff of Zot> I'll Zot her. Oh, cheesy 'fic writer...
 |} [*ZOT*]
 |} 
 |} You owe the Oracle some therapy sessions to get over the horror of
 |} channeling her mind.


[CAMBOT cuts back to our valiant heros, who all appear singed. The
entire set is smoldering a bit as well, but nobody has noticed. They're
all looking at the computer with gleeful expressions on their faces.]

CROW: Hah! Way to go, Orrie!
TOM: Yeah! Zot that nasty 'fic-writer!

[MIKE looks to the camera with a "what can you do?" expression, then
does a double-take as he notices all the smoke.]

MIKE: What in the Sam Hill....
TOM: Huh?

[TOM and CROW turn and see the smoke.]

TOM: Aaaah!
CROW: Yeeaaaah! The satellite's on fire!
TOM: What's happening to us?
CROW: How'd we get singed like this?
TOM: It's almost as if some supernatural force had come down from on
 high....
CROW: ...or from Indiana....
TOM: ...and zotted some higher-dimensional avatar of us.
MIKE: Well, y'know, I hate to break the fourth wall like this, but....
CROW: But what?
MIKE: Kirstin Beall is....oh, I hate to even tell you this.
TOM: Tell us what?
CROW: Come on, Mike, tell us!
MIKE: She's *our* author too.
CROW: So, when the Oracle zotted Kirstin....
MIKE: ...whatever she was working on got singed as well. Sorry guys.

[Beat.]

TOM: No....it can't be! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!
CROW: PANIC!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[In the commotion, Movie Sign begins to flash.]

MIKE: Movie Sign! Aaaaaaaaaah!
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!



[6...5...4...3...2...*]



[Theater. Siddown, already!]

CROW: Yelch. That was disturbing.
MIKE: Yeah. Let's keep that fourth wall nice and solid from now on, okay?

>
>
>EPISODE NINE: in which good and evil do battle to the end

TOM: ...as represented by a melodramatic villain and a morally ambiguous
 stranger whose struggle will have no actual bearing on good and
 evil, so this title is really pretty silly but we couldn't think
 of anything else, so there.

>
> The Doctor groaned, coming painfully back to conciousness. Much to
>his dismay, he was back in the same cell. He tried to sit up, but
>couldn't. His hands and feet had been tied together.

MIKE: <Tom Baker> Well, you know how it is. I often get tied up in my line
 of work.

> "Now how did Houdini get out of this?" he muttered to himself.

TOM: <Doctor> What would MacGyver do?

>As he began working at his bonds, he heard a sharp intake of breath. He
>craned his neck around and saw Adam stirring.
> "What . . . where am I?" asked Adam. "Why am I bound?" he asked,
>feeling the ropes.

CROW: That Adam's got a *real* short memory, it seems.

> The Doctor sighed. "We're back in the cell, I'm afraid."
> Adam slumped down against the floor. "Oh no," he said, despairingly.

MIKE: <Adam, whining> I'm trapped in a cell and nobody likes me.

> The Doctor frowned. "Don't give up, man!" he said. "I met Houdini
>once. Taught me a few tricks."
> "But you said we needed that dimensional whatsit."

TOM: <Doctor> It's a thingumabobber, and don't you forget it.

> "Yes," said the Doctor shortly, squirming around in an attempt to
>free himself. With one particularily good twist, he felt the loops around
>his wrists loosen, and he smiled.
> "Doctor . . . ," prompted Adam.
> "I think . . . I've almost . . .

CROW: <Doctor> ...perfected my......Shatner impression.

> got . . . my hands free," said the
>Doctor. The ropes loosened again, and, pulling his fingers tightly
>together, he slipped his hands free. "There!" said the Doctor, proudly.

TOM: <cutesy voice> Aw, isn't that precious? The little dear's got his
 hands free.
MIKE: <same> Oh, how adorable! Young man, your Kithriarch is going to be
 soooo proud of you! Really he is!

> Adam was still looking expectantly at the Doctor. The little Time
>Lord sighed. He wondered briefly if he should tell Adam just how bad
>things really were.
> No. He didn't need to worry Adam unneccesarily. It made no
>difference, in the end, whether the Doctor told him everything or not.

CROW: And he wonders why Tegan stopped trusting him. Sad, really.

>It was always the same, wasn't it? A grand gamble, pitting his own luck
>against the terrible horrors that stood to overthrow the universe.

MIKE: Well, God may not play dice with the Universe, but that doesn't
 stop the Doctor.
TOM: I thought he played chess with the Universe.

> And now there might not be time. Unless . . .
> The Doctor quickly untied his feet , walked to the door and put his
>ear against it. He heard a distinct cough from the other side.
> "Well, my friend," he said to Adam, stooping to untie him, "I'm
>afraid our only hope right now is Terri."

CROW: <Adam> That's it. We're doomed.

>
> --Why, thought Terri, in the name of everything did I run off like
>that? I could've done something.

MIKE: Well, you could've gotten killed. That would've sped this story up.

> A small voice at the back of her mind whispered that there was
>nothing she could have done. --Well, at least I'm here, she thought.
> After she had fled for a minute, she had reconsidered the wisdom of
>fleeing blindly into the darkness.

TOM: I guess Terri isn't too quick on the uptake, huh?

> Backtracking, she had recovered her
>lantern but discovered that when she had dropped it in her flight, the bulb
>had popped.

CROW: <Terri> Oh, we can't have nice things.

> So she'd crept quietly into the cavern, moving towards the TARDIS.
>The door had been locked, so she had picked up the Doctor's antique gas
>lantern.
> That was when she had noticed the blood trail.

TOM: So, does she normally find people by following their blood trails,
 or is this something they teach in the Girl Scouts?
MIKE: Makes you wonder what's *really* in those cookies.
CROW: <Wednesday Addams> Are they made from real Girl Scouts?

> Following the blood, she had quickly caught up with the party
>carrying her two friends. Observing the route more closely this time, she
>had been surprised to note that it followed a very clear pattern. Keeping
>to the shadows,

TOM: Isn't that kinda dangerous? I mean, look what the Shadows did on
 "Babylon 5!"

> she was able to follow them all the way to the same cell
>they had escaped only hours before.
> There were only two guards on the cell now. The others had left.
>Terri cursed herself for not having moved close enough to hear what they'd
>said.

CROW: <Terri> On pox on you, self, and a pox on your firstborn!
TOM: Seems pretty counterproductive to curse yourself, if you ask me.

> But the cell doorway she stood in had offered concealment.

MIKE: Oh, it's the Giving Cell Doorway.
CROW: Made from the wood of the Giving Tree?

> --So now what? she asked herself.
> Terri sank into a crouch. As she did so, she felt the Doctor's
>lantern strike her knee. And then she knew what to do.

TOM: Run like hell and cry like a baby.

> The lantern was fuled by white gas. Terri grinned mischeivously as
>she unscrewed the pump on the side of the lantern and began pumping. She
>was rewarded with a hissing noise as the pressure built up inside the
>lantern. Now she was glad to be out of earshot.

CROW: I don't get it....how is the lamp going to help her?

> When she judged the pressure was high enough, she struck the flint
>hanging from the lantern. Suddenly, a brilliant light filled the corridor.
>--This better work, she thought to herself.
> "Who's there?" called one of the guards. "Show yourself!"

TOM: Give me a break!
MIKE: Come on, that's gotta be the stupidest guard on Earth!

> Terri grinned but did not answer. Slowing standing, she gathered
>up her courage and flung the lantern around the lip of the doorway and at
>the two guards.
> The lantern exploded on impact.

CROW: Hey! Coleman lanterns don't do that!
TOM: Oh, geez, that's right out of "The Talons of Weng-Chiang!"

> Terri peered around the doorway to see both guards reeling on the
>floor, covering their eyes.

MIKE: Well, I think we can count Terri out for the "good Samaritan" award.

> "I'm blind, I'm blind!" cried one. "Oh, God, I can't see!" The
>other only wimpered wordlessly.

CROW: Way to go, Terri. Blind the guards. They were too stupid to be a
 serious threat, and now you've blinded them.

> Terri winced for a moment as she watched their agony. She knelt
>down by the first guard. She winced again when she realized that he, like
>all the others was only a boy.

TOM: I smell a lawsuit, Terri.

> "Oh, God . . ." he sobbed.
> "I . . . I'm sorry," said Terri. "But I had to do it."

MIKE: <gruff> Tell it to the judge!

> The boy did not answer. So Terri took his gun and searched him
>quickly. Biting her lip, she turned to the other boy, who was wimpering
>uncontrollably and clutching spasmodically at his eyes.

TOM: <sarcastic> Nice going, Terri.

> So she took his
>gun too. A quick search revealed the key to the cell.
> "I'm sorry," she said again to the two boys, aware that neither of
>them was in a state to comprehend her.

CROW: What, she only apologizes to people who can't hear her?

> And she turned and unlocked the 
>cell.
> She pushed the door open.
> "Terri!" called a familiar voice. She turned to see Adam smiling
>with joy and disbelief. Relief filled her heart, threatening to overwhelm
>her.

MIKE: <mobster voice> Youse better get in there, or my brudder Relief here
 will "overwhelm" ya. Know what I'm sayin?

> "Oh, thank God!" she said. Without another word, she grabbed Adam
>and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so glad you're all right!"
> "Ahem," said a voice behind her.

ALL: <startled> Yaaaah!
CROW: Disembodied voice....spooky!

> Terri remembered the Doctor and
>disengaged guiltily from Adam. She turned and smiled to see the little
>Time Lord.

TOM: Well, what was she expecting? The Tupperware Lady?

> He frowned at her. For a moment, Terri remembered that he'd told
>her to run away and worried that he was angry. But then his face broke

MIKE: Ow! Now that's *gotta* hurt!

>into a broad grin.
> "That was well done, Terri," he said, a peculiar catch in his
>voice. His eyes became very distant. Terri wondered what he was thinking
>of. After a moment, he brought his eyes back to Terri. "You remind me . .
>. of someone I once knew."

CROW: Tegan. Yes, we know. You can stop referencing continuity now.

> Terri was surprised to hear a kind of pain in his voice. But the
>Doctor did not give her time to ask about it.

TOM: Thank goodness for small favors.

> "We've got work to do," he said, all pain gone, replaced by a fresh
>resolve. "Now, Terri, this is what I want you to do . . ."

CROW: <Joel> You put a hankerchief on your head! You sit on the porch all
 night and swat at imaginary elves!
MIKE: What was that?
CROW: <normal> Oh, something the other guy said.
MIKE: I have got to meet him someday.

>
> Sitting in the darkness behind Michel, the Baron smiled happily.
>It had been some hours since the terror in the department store and the
>terror in the metro. And his horrible thirst for terror had been slaked
>most wondrously.

TOM: Y'know, for all Kirstin said about ignoring the NAs, this sure reads
 like one. Especially with the evil psychevorous alien.
CROW: "Psychevorous?"

> But now he felt the thirst again. --No matter, he thought to
>himself. Soon shall come the greatest terror of all.
> And the sacrifice.

MIKE: The Perfect Sacrifice?
TOM: Cool, does that mean we're gonna see Barbara in her Yetaxa suit?

> The Baron smiled a vampiric smile and laughed out loud, startling a
>rat. He grinned, watching the rat flee, squeaking in terror.
> And a thought struck the Baron. A rat is like a mouse. And what
>plays with mice? A cat!

CROW: And what is a mouse attatched to? A computer! And what is a computer
 attatched to? The Internet! I'm going to surf the Web all day!
 Hahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! Web sites! Chat rooms! Naughty pictures!
MIKE: Crow, do I have to take away your Net access?

> Cat and mouse . . .
> He grinned again, his bicolor eyes glittering with anticipation.
>Leaning forward, he whispered a command in Michel's ear.

TOM: <whispering> c-d-space-slash-return, r-m-space-hyphen-r-space-*-return

> "Jean!" called Michel. One of the boys came near. "Fetch the
>prisoners!"
> As Jean saluted and left, the Baron grinned with pleasurable
>anticipation.
>
> "Where are you taking us?" asked Adam.
> The boys answered by pulling hard on the new ropes around Adam's
>wrists. One of the boys -- the red-head named Jean -- turned and spat at
>Adam's feet.

CROW: I wonder what Adam's feet did to offend him.
TOM: Maybe he took off his shoes.
MIKE: Oh, I hate it when people do that in public.

> "That's for what you did to Guillaume and Thomas!" And he
>turned insolently away.
> "We'll find out soon enough, Adam" the Doctor said grimly. "But if
>I'm not very much mistaken, we're going to meet the director of this sick
>drama."

TOM: Quentin Tarantino? Stanley Kubrick? Jean-Pierre Jeunet and Marc Caro?

> Adam turned to look the Doctor in the eye. "The Baron?" he asked.
> "Yes," said the Doctor. "The Baron. Just keep your fingers crossed."
> Adam nodded and fell silent. He did not speak again for the rest
>of the journey.

CROW: He was too busy crossing his fingers.

> After some time, they arrived in the same vast spray-painted hall
>as before. There were very few people this time; only Michel and a handful
>of armed teenagers. Almost immediately, Adam Sensed the Baron's presence.

TOM: He can sense him from there? The Baron must have B.O. as bad as Mike.
MIKE: Yea....hey!

>His heart sank. In all his millenia, he had never encountered anything
>like the Baron. He was afraid.
> "Welcome!" called the Baron, his sinister voice echoing throughout
>the cavernous room.

CROW: <sports announcer> Welcome! Welcome! To the Masque, Masque, Masque
 of the Baron! Baron! Baron!

> "So you've dropped the pretense then, Baron?" asked the Doctor
>cheerfully, his bright voice cutting through the sense of doom that
>permeated the room. Adam regarded the little Time Lord with surprise. His
>spirits had lifted considerably.

TOM: Boy, Adam's easy to cheer up.
MIKE: Well, he always looks on the bright side of life.
ALL: <whistle "Always Look on the Bright Side of Life">

> The Baron stepped out of the darkness behind Michel. He was
>frowning, perhaps at the Doctor's audacity.
> "You know nothing, alien fool." The Baron sneered as he approached
>them.

CROW: <French> I sneer at you, empty-headed animal food-trough water!

> "Really?" asked the Doctor calmly. "And what do you know?"
> The Baron swelled at this remark. Adam became afraid for the
>Doctor. There was no way this strange little man could stand off someone
>like the Baron.

MIKE: Indecisive little Immortal, ain't he? One minute he's reassured
 that the Doctor will be okay, the next he's ready to throw in
 the towel. What's with this?

> But the Doctor did not flinch. "Go ahead," he said daringly.

TOM: <Doctor> Look me in the eye. End my life.
MIKE: Doctor Who cliche #821.

> For a moment, the Baron appeared to take the Doctor's dare, his
>eyes narrowing. But then he smiled and the mood was shattered.
> "Very clever, Doctor," he said, "but

CROW: <Darth Vader> ...you are not a Jedi yet.

> not clever enough. You think
>you could beat me at my own game!" The Baron threw back his head and
>laughed. Adam felt a chill in his heart. "Don't worry," he said,
>sobering, his voice dropping almost to a whisper. "There'll be time for
>you later."

MIKE: <Baron> I'm saving you for pudding!

> The Baron spun around to face Adam.
> "You," he said. Adam's eyes grew wide. The Baron smiled horribly.
>Without turning his eyes from Adam, he said, "Jean, free them." The ropes
>fell to the floor.

TOM: Unassisted?
CROW: Jean BitParte *is* Moses, in a film that will surprise you!
MIKE: Wouldn't the rope have to turn into a snake or something?

> Adam began chafing the blood back into his hands.
> "Thank you," he said.
> The Baron grinned. "You're welcome, my friend. Jacques!" he
>called.

CROW: Frere Jacques?

> A boy came forward, carrying Adam's sword. The boy extended it to
>Adam, hilt first.

TOM: <boy> Here's your sword we didn't hurt it its got a new polish on it and
 everything thanks bye.

> Adam looked to the Doctor, who shrugged. Frowning suspiciously, he
>took the sword and turned to face the Baron again.
> The Baron's green and black eyes were glittering.

MIKE: Doesn't Visine work for that?

> "Now," he said,
>"I believe your kind have a custom called the Game."
>
> Moving as quickly as she could without calling attention to
>herself,

CROW: Which was pretty fast, since the guards were about as smart as the
 common cabbage.

> Terri ran lightly down the corridor, the TARDIS key swinging
>wildly from her hand. She was clutching a piece of incomprehensible
>equipment to her chest; apparently it was the dimensional stabilizer.
>Terri only hoped she'd taken the right bit out of the TARDIS.

TOM: Well, I don't know about you, but that fills me with confidence.

> There was a brighter light ahead. Terri devoutly hoped it was the
>main chamber.
> Pushing her legs a bit harder, Terri reached an archway, conceled

MIKE: <Picard> Computer, arch!

>behind a large mound of stolen goods. --Good, she thought, remembering the
>stolen goods from her last unfortunate trip to this spot.

CROW: Well, *that* was convenient.

> Setting the dimensional stabilizer down, Terri peered over the
>mound. She saw the Doctor, Adam, and the Baron, all together. Michel
>stood uncertainly back. Adam stood facing the Baron. And he was holding a
>sword.

TOM: Him being an Immortal and all.

> The Baron was saying something. Adam nodded in reply. The Doctor
>began waving his arms, signalling "no" very clearly. However, Adam did not
>see him.

MIKE: Adam would be a terrible person to play bridge with.

> Terri bit her lip. She picked up the stabilizer and crept around
>the pile of appliances and electrical equipment, trying to get close enough
>to hear what was going on. She stopped when her cover ran out.
> But it was far enough.
> The Baron was speaking. "I would like to try this Game of yours,"

TOM: "Okay," said Adam, who began dealing a hand of "Go Fish."

>he said. Terri started as he drew his own sword.
> The Doctor was still gesturing frantically. This time, Adam
>noticed. She sighed with relief.
> But Adam shook his head and said, "No, Doctor. I must."

CROW: <gruff> An Immie's gotta do what an Immie's gotta do.

>Terri's heart fell as she watched Adam bring his sword into position.

MIKE: What, she'd prefer he just stood there and got his head lopped off?
 Some friend she is.

> The Baron smiled and leapt into battle. Adam parried skillfully
>and returned with a feint and a thrust. The Baron managed to parry, but
>lost ground.

TOM: <Baron, as Inigo Montoya> Ah, I see you have-a studied Cappefria!

> "Yes!" whispered Terri.
> The fight continued. The Baron was good, but so was Adam. Indeed,
>it seemed that Adam was the better of the two.

CROW: <Adam, as Man in Black> But I find that Thibauld cancels out
 Cappefria, don't you?
TOM: <Baron, as Inigo Montoya> Unless the enemy has-a studied his Agrippa,
 which I have.

> Reassured, Terri spared a
>glance at the Doctor.
> And she gasped, for the Doctor looked very worried. He was shaking
>his head and whispering something under his breath.

MIKE: <Doctor, sotto voce> Stupid migranes....

> She turned back to watch the fight. The Baron was not doing well.
>He had entirely lost the offensive. It was only a matter of time before
>Adam overpowered him. But Terri was no longer so sure of the outcome.

CROW: <Darth Vader> Very impressive. Obi-Wan has taught you well.

> Adam had managed to drive the Baron back against a wall. In two
>strokes, he had the dark man disarmed and pinned against the stone masonry.
>"Give up," he said, pressing the edge of his sword against the Baron's
>throat.

MIKE: Hey, finally a line I can hear Peter Wingfield saying.
CROW: Accurate characterization? What a shock!

> But the Baron smiled.

TOM: <Baron, as Inigo Montoya> There is something I have not told you....

> And the Baron laughed. And he said, "You
>have served your purpose, old one. I tire of this sport."

TOM: <Baron, as Inigo Montoya> ...I am not left-handed!

> Suddenly, the Baron was free. Terri started, for she had not seen
>him move free. Adam looked just as surprised.

CROW: What the.....but the Baron was just over....
MIKE: Weird.

> Terri turned to look at the Doctor. He was clutching his head.
>Terri did not have time to puzzle this over, for the sound of metal on
>metal had distracted her attention.
> The battle was turning very much in the opposite direction now.
>The Baron was lashing out with dazzling speed. It was obvious that he had
>been toying with Adam before.

TOM: Ah, this would be the "cat and mouse" that he was talking about
 earlier.

> "Stop!" shouted the Doctor, his voice ringing through the chamber.
>He was still clutching at his head, but there was a resolution in his eyes.

MIKE: A resolution of over 1024 x 768 pixels!
CROW: So what? My eyes get over a million!

> To Terri's immense surprise, the Baron did stop, after pausing to
>disarm Adam.
> "You have something to say, little man?" he said.

CROW: <Erica Page from "Gunslinger"> Speak up, Little Man.
TOM: <Little Man from "Gunslinger"> Stop calling me that!

> The Doctor stepped forward. His headache appeared to pass, for he
>lowered his hand as he approached the Baron. "Yes," he said. Terri
>shivered, for his voice was as hard as stone. "I know who you are."

MIKE: <Doctor> And I saw what you did.

> The Baron appeared amused. "Do you?" he said.
> The Doctor nodded solemnly. "Oh yes. My people have been to your
>world, a very long time ago."

CROW: "Have been," "long time ago...." Is that grammatically correct?
TOM: Either way, it looks wrong.

> The Baron did not respond, but appeared uncomfortable for the first
>time.

MIKE: <ad man> He wishes he'd used Preparation H!

> "Doctor," said Adam, "what are you talking about?"

TOM: <Doctor> I'll explain later.

> The Doctor did not take his eyes from the Baron. But he answered
>Adam. Terri shivered as she listened. "Let me tell you a story.

CROW: <little kid> Oh, goody! Tell us a story! Tell us a story!

> Once
>upon a time, there was a ruler.

MIKE: <Doctor, storytelling voice> There was also a protractor, and his
 good friend the compass.
TOM: Does this make "Masque of the Baron" a *yardstick* for other fanfics?
MIKE: <groan>
CROW: I sure hope not.

> A man who ruled a world which had only
>just recently discovered interstellar travel. This ruler was an evil man,
>and many times people had tried to overthrow him. But always he won. But
>one day, an alien woman came down to his world, an alien whose technology
>was so advanced that he had no hope of defeating her.

TOM: Is this an allegory for Microsoft, Bill Gates, and Apple?

> "Now, like all evil people, the man was afraid of competition. So
>he used his cunning instead of his weapons to defeat the alien. He was
>very nice to her, got her to teach him all about her technology, and then,
>when she wasn't looking, he killed her.

MIKE: Ooooh, hostile takeover, man.

> And then he used her technology to
>make himself stronger. And stronger, and stronger, and stronger.

TOM: Embrace and extend. Yessiree.

> "He became time sensitive. And telepathic. But he also became
>quite mad. When the alien's people investigated her disappearance, they
>found a world enslaved to an madman who fed psychically on their terror.
> "Ordinarily, they would not have interfered.

CROW: Fortunately, the Time Lords make a special case for bad fanfics.
 Otherwise we'd have to read more of these.

> But my people felt
>responisble for this mad Baron having developed the ability to manipulate
>Time to a small extent. So they attacked, destroying all his work, all his
>notes, and crushing his cruel empire.

MIKE: Typical Time Lord hypocrisy.

> "But the Baron fled. He fled the planet in a tiny spacecraft,
>built by his own people. No one knew what became of him."

TOM: <Doctor> We still don't. This Baron is a minor lord from Zesta-6.
 I just thought I'd tell that little story to lighten the mood.

> --Now we know, thought Terri grimly.
> "So, Doctor," said the Baron, his voice little more than a whisper.
>"You are a Time Lord."
> "You're finished, Baron," said the Doctor. "Dead and gone."

MIKE: Y'know, if I had a dollar for every time the Doctor said "you're
 finished" to someone....

> Adam began creeping away from the two, in the direction of his
>sword. Terri stood, holding the dimensional stabilizer in her hands,
>gathering herself to sprint out to the Doctor.

CROW: <Terri, whispering> I think I can, I think I can, I think I can....

> "No," whispered the Baron. "No. No! I will not allow it!" And
>he raised his arm, pointing directly at the Doctor. "I will kill you
>first, little man!"

ALL: <snigger>
MIKE: <Mexican accent> I will keeel you!

> The Baron moved closer, forcing the Doctor to look up to him. But
>the difference in height did not seem important to Terri. For the Doctor
>stood unfazed, glaring silently into the Baron's eyes.

TOM: <Spock> My mind to your mind....

> Terri dashed out from behind the mound. Before she had gone five
>paces, however, a boy stepped out in front of her, pointing his AK47
>directly at her. She came to a halt. --Great, she thought. Now what?

CROW: <Terri> Oh, poop.

> "No," said a voice.
> Terri turned, surprised. It was Michel. "There will be no more
>killing today."

TOM: Huh?

> There was an authority in his voice, but also a kind of
>regret. He smiled sadly at her. "I was wrong to follow the mad Baron,
>wasn't I?"

MIKE: Kind of an about-face, isn't it?
CROW: And Kirstin Beall pulls a last minute character shift out of the air.
TOM: I wonder if this counts as character development.

> Terri watched, amazed, as Michel turned and began walking towards
>the Baron. The dark man was still silent, locked in some sort of psychic
>battle with the Doctor.
> "Mon Baron!" cried Michel. "I have something to say to you!"

CROW: "Mon Baron?"
TOM: Mon Capitan!
MIKE: Monmartre!
CROW: Hey, mon!

> The Baron did not answer.
> Michel strode right up to him and struck him on the shoulder.
>"Baron!" he shouted, right in the man's ear. "We shall follow you no more.
>You are nothing!"

CROW: <Michel> I am speaking metaphorically, of course.
TOM: How can you *be* nothing? Isn't nothing something? And if you're
 something, you're not nothing.

> And the Baron started. "What?" he whispered, breaking his gaze
>from the Doctor.
> Then the Baron cried out once and collapsed.
> The Doctor dashed to his side, examining the unconcious Baron. He
>looked up and saw Terri. "Quickly!" he said.

MIKE: <Doctor> Come on! I said quickly! Jeez, think you're racing molasses?
 Get your butt over here!

> Terri ran to the Doctor's side. She set the dimensional stabilizer
>down beside him. Without a word, he began spinning dials, muttering
>incomprensibly beneath his breath.

CROW: <Doctor, muttering> Set the whozit to 5,038 nizlebits, then turn the
 farglethingy to the ziggy level, then deactivate the eegydoohicky.
TOM: Don't forget to reverse the polarity of the neutron flow.

> "There," he said at last, throwing a switch. "That should do it."
> A strange blue haze suddenly wrapped itself around the Baron.
>Colors twisted across its surface, dazzling Terri.

MIKE: <stoner> Trippin', dude!
'BOTS: Whoo-hoo!

> Within seconds, the
>Baron's body shriveled away, finally collapsing into sparkling dust, which
>was absorbed by the curious haze with a crackling sound.

TOM: Hey, just like the Mut-Ant! Self-cleaning bad guy!

> The Doctor threw a few more switches and the haze vanished. He sat
>there for a few moments, then looked up at Terri. "Well," he said.
>"That's that then."
> "You mean . . . the Baron is finally dead?" asked Adam.

CROW: <overdramatic> But.....*how*?

> The Doctor nodded. "Yes."
> "But I don't understand," said Terri. "How did you do it?"
> The little Time Lord stood, picking up the dimensional stabilizer.
>"To put it simply,

MIKE: Uh oh.
TOM: Technobabble alert, technobabble alert! All hands on deck!

> all I did was create a static field of extreme temporal
>stability. Since his ability to manipulate time depended on unstable
>causality, his body tried to fight off the stabilizer. It couldn't, so it
>ended up shaking itself apart."

CROW: <Cat> I was with you all the way up to "simply."

> Terri moved next to Adam and whispered, "That's putting it simply?"
>Adam chuckled in reply.
> "Doctor," called Michel. "I . . . I have a question."

MIKE: <Michel> I...I...I....
TOM: <Colin Baker> That's three I's in one breath, my dear. Makes you seem
 a rather egotistical person.

> "Oh, don't worry about it," replied the Doctor. "You'll do just fine."
> Michel nodded, but did not seem satisfied with the Doctor's answer.
>"But what do we do now?"
> The Doctor smiled sadly. "You'll have to find that out for
>yourself.

CROW: <Michel, sarcastic> Gee, thanks for the tip. Remind me never to ask
 you for advice.

> In the meantime, I suggest you keep out of sight until things
>settle down a bit." He put a hand on Michel's shoulder, reassuringly.
>"Trust me.

TOM: <Michel, thinking it over> Hmmm, well, you killed my boss, your friend
 blinded some of my buddies, your other friend over there kills
 people for a living.....I don't see any reason *not* to trust you....

> You'll do a lot of good." And the little Time Lord turned and
>set off in the direction of the TARDIS.
> "Don't worry," said Terri. "I'm sure he knows what he's talking about."

ALL: <bust up laughing>
MIKE: Yeah, and the moon is made of green cheese!
TOM: Yeah, and I don't collect underpants!
CROW: Yeah, and Mike doesn't have really nasty nose hair!
MIKE: Hey!

> Michel nodded. "There is much to be done," he said. "And I think
>I have a few ideas of how to do it."
> "Good luck," said Terri, pausing to shake his hand before turning
>to follow the Doctor.
> "Any idea where we're going?" asked Adam.

TOM: <Terri> Yeah...planet ten!

> "Better ask the Doctor," replied Terri, grinning. And they left
>together.
>
>
>EPISODE TEN: epilogue

CROW: What, no "in which our heros ride into the sunset" or "in which Terri
 gets a life" or "in which Kirstin edits her work?"

>
> The late afternoon sun shone blindingly off the Seine, causing
>Terri to turn away from the bridge railing. She smiled at her companions.
>Adam smiled back.

ALL: Awwwww.....

> The Doctor was still staring off over the river, an
>incomprehensible emotion in his eyes. Terri wondered how he could stare so
>long at the sun and not blink.

MIKE: Because he's an alien, you big dope!

> A child's disappointed cry caught Terri's ear. She turned towards
>the sound. A little boy was staring up with tears in his eyes, watching a
>yellow balloon float up out of sight.

TOM: I thought it was "The Red Ballon," not the yellow one.

> Before Terri could do anything, the Doctor had stepped away and was
>striding towards the child.
> "Did you lose your balloon?" asked the Doctor.

CROW: <little boy> No, I'm still holding on to it. OF COURSE I LOST MY
 BALLOON! Geez....

> The little boy nodded, mutely. He stuck his finger in his mouth.
> "Did you lose your family, too?" asked the Doctor.
> The little boy nodded again, the tears beginning again.
> "There, there,"

MIKE: Hush my darling, don't you cry.

> said the Doctor, whipping out a hankerchief and
>wiping the tears away. He looked up and around, eventually spotting
>something. Terri followed his gaze and saw a frantic Frenchwoman running
>across the square at the end of the bridge. "Is that your maman?"

TOM: "Maman"? Oh no, the Doctor's turned into a Picard caricature!
CROW: <Picard> Tea, Earl Grey, hot.

>the Doctor asked the little boy.
> The boy nodded. The tears were gone and he was smiling now.
> "Well, let's go to her, shall we?"

MIKE: Way to go, Doctor. Instill unquestioning trust of strangers in the
 kid. Why don't you teach the kid to take candy from strangers
 while you're at it?

> The boy's face lit up with joy. The Doctor had to run to keep up
>with him. Terri stifled an affectionate chuckle. By the time the Doctor
>had reached the boy's mother, he was out of earshot, so she turned to Adam.
> "Well," she said.
> "Well, what?" asked Adam, leaning back against the rail.

TOM: <Terri> I said, "I'm thinking of digging a well."
MIKE&CROW: <groan>

> "I wonder what happens next," she replied. "I . . . I'm going to
>miss him, Adam."

TOM: Land of the stutterers in this 'fic.
CROW: Well, maybe Kirstin thinks the pauses add drama.
MIKE: Y'mean like William Shatner?
TOM: Maybe she's William Shatner operating under a pseudonym.
CROW: Trust me. She's not Shatner.

> Adam smiled. "Somehow, I don't think he'll be gone for long."
> Terri chuckled. "I know what you mean." She turned, gazing at the
>little Time Lord, rapidly conversing with the little boy's mother. "I
>wonder . . . ," she began, musing to herself.

TOM: <Terri> ...if I installed 32 megs of RAM, would I be able to run
 "Riven" at the same time as Adobe Premier?

> "Wonder what?" asked Adam. Terri started. She had not realized
>that she was thinking out loud.
> "I wonder what it's like," she replied. She turned back to Adam.
>"Being him," she added.
> Adam nodded cryptically, but did not answer.

MIKE: Y'know, his behavior is very puzzling.
TOM: And he uses very knotty logic.
CROW: It's simply a-maze-ing.

> "I mean . . . he seems so lonely sometimes. And the things he's
>seen, the things he must have done to be the way he is . . ."
> Terri was very surprised to see Adam shudder. He closed his eyes
>and turned away. "Yes," he said. There was a curious weight to his voice.

CROW: Unfortuantely, the curious weight was still not enough for DNR standards
 and Terri had to throw his voice back.
TOM: Wha....huh?

>Suddenly Terri remembered who Adam really was and felt her heart grow
>cold.
> Embarrased, Terri turned to face the river again. The sun had gone
>behind a cloud and was no longer blindingly bright. "I wonder what it's
>like, travelling from world to world all the time . . ."

MIKE: <William Hartnell> ...exiles....

> "You'd better not say, 'boldly going where no one has gone
>before.'" said a voice at Terri's elbow. She jumped, startled.

 [TOM sings a few bars of the wailing ST:TOS theme]

> "Doctor," she said, turning around and fixing the little Time Lord
>with a glare. He grinned winningly back at her. Terri found herself
>smiling too.

CROW: <Terri> I seem to have found myself smiling.

> "Well," said the Doctor. "It's time to say good bye."
> Terri met the Doctor's eyes. And all of a sudden, she knew that
>she couldn't say good bye. Not yet.
> "Doctor," said Terri, "I . . . I don't know how to

TOM: <singing> ...loooooove you, don't know how, how to mooooove you....

> say this, but . . ."
> A grin broke across the Doctor's face. "Of course you may," he replied.
> Terri frowned. "But you don't know what I was going to say," she
>protested.
> He smiled fondly at her. "But the TARDIS did," he replied. "I
>think she's lonely. If you want to travel with me, you are more than
>welcome."

CROW: <exasperated> What?!?!
MIKE: Oh, the TARDIS is telepathic and bound to the Doctor.
CROW: OK fine, but how did it tell what Terri was going to say when it's not
 even present?
MIKE: Well, in "Set Piece" the TARDIS was able to translate for Ace even though
 she was a few miles from the TARDIS.
TOM: But we're supposed to be ignoring the New Adventures! ARGH!!!

> Terri wondered for a moment if it was the Doctor who was lonely and
>not his ship. But she knew better than to ask.
> "I would love to!" she replied, grinning from ear to ear.

CROW: <singing> From ear to shining ear!

>The Doctor smiled happily back at her.
> "If I might ask . . . ," said Adam.
> "I'm sorry," said Terri. "I didn't mean to ignore you."

MIKE: <Adam> Yes you did.
TOM: <Terri> No I didn't.
MIKE: <Adam> Yes you did.
TOM: <Terri> Didn't!
MIKE: <Adam> Did!

> "I was just wondering what I'm supposed to tell everyone else while
>you're off travelling the universe."
> "Oh, dear," said Terri. "I hadn't thought about that."
> "Don't worry," said the Doctor brightly. "The TARDIS is a time
>machine, isn't she?

CROW: "She?" The Doctor thinks of the TARDIS as a she?
TOM: Well, they've got a pretty close relationship.
 [beat]
'BOTS: Ewwwwwwwwww!

> When you want to come home, just tell me and we'll
>come right back here and now. You won't have missed a thing."
> Terri grinned happily. "Deal!" she replied. She stuck out her
>hand. The Doctor shook it vigorously.

MIKE: <wavery> Leehehehet gggggohoho ohohffff mmmmyiyiy hhhahahahandddd....

> "So," she said, turning back to Adam. "I guess I have to say
>goodbye too, now."
> "Only for you. I'll see you again tomorrow," replied Adam.
>"Unless you decide not to come back at all."

TOM: <Terri> Oh, of course I'll come back! <aside> Damn, he read my mind.
 Now what am I going to do?

> Terri could not decipher the emotion in his voice. "Don't worry,"
>she replied. "I'll come back." She bit her lip, then stepped close to
>Adam. "I'll miss you," she said. "You know that, don't you?"

CROW: <Adam> Unfortunately, yes.

> He smiled back at her. She felt very relieved. Impulsively, she
>threw her arms around him. She hugged him for some time. "You take care
>of yourself, Methos," she whispered.

MIKE: <Terri> And remember, fresh goes better.

> "Ahem," said the Doctor. Terri stepped back. "Good bye," said the
>Doctor, extending his hand to Adam. Adam took it. "I'm sure we'll meet
>again."
> "Good bye, Doctor," replied Adam. "And good bye Terri. Try not to
>have too much fun."

CROW: <spooky voice> Because then I'd have to kill you.

> He smiled once, then turned and walked away across the
>bridge. He did not turn back.
> "Well, Terri," said the Doctor. "I think it's time we were off."

TOM: Off what?
CROW: Their rockers.

>And he set off towards the TARDIS.
> Terri grinned. "Where to first?" she asked, following.
> The Doctor grinned back at her. "Perhaps a relaxing visit to the
>Eye of Orion. Or a pleasant dip in the seas of Tiberius III. Or . . ."

MIKE: Risa, go to Risa!
CROW: Yeah, and find Marissa and dump her in the pool!

> "Doctor . . .," said Terri. They had arrived at the TARDIS. "Why
>don't you just decide for me?"
> The Doctor grinned at her.

TOM: <Doctor> Muahahahahahahahahahahehehehohohohohahahaahee!

> "All right!" he said, holding the door
>open for her. Terri shook her head, chuckling, and walked past him into
>the TARDIS.
>
> The door closed behind them. With a shake and a rumble, the
>battered police box slowly faded from reality.

CROW: Oh good, they're gone.

> A moment later, it
>reappeared.

CROW: D'oh!

> "Blast it," said a voice from within.

MIKE: Hey, that's probably what it was trying to do!

> "Now what?" asked another voice.
> "I have a better idea," replied the first voice. "Why don't we let
>the TARDIS decide?"

TOM: Voiceovers and sound mixing provided by Plotzthadsuk Ltd.

>
>
> ---*** T H E E N D ***---

CROW: Whoohoo! We can go!
 [ALL stand]

>
>
> ll---------------------------------l=l----------------------l==l
> ll---------------------------------l=l "The Loony Bassoony" l==l
> ++++l------------------l=l----------------------l==l
> +
> + Kirstin Beall
> + beall@stolaf.edu
> +
> T

MIKE: Yeah, Kirstin sure is a loony basoony.
 [exeunt ALL]


[*...2...3...4...5...6]



[SoL]

[MIKE, TOM, and CROW are behind the desk. The effects of the zotting
in the last sketch are gone, of course.]

TOM: <dramatic> The moment of truth is upon us....
CROW: <dramatic> Did it work? Or did it fail?
TOM: <dramatic> The mystery will now be revealed!
CROW: <dramatic> We wait with baited breath for our human friend with
 mobile appendages to remove the masterpiece!
MIKE: <perfectly normal> Okee-dokee.

[MIKE bends down to reach under the counter. He opens a door that we
can't see (but can hear) and a cloud of smoke billows out. MIKE
coughs as he straightens up, holding something which cannot be made
out through the smoke.]

MIKE: Wow. I think you guys set it kinda high.

[He kicks the door shut. Apparently there was an oven under the desk.
The smoke clears out and we can see that MIKE is holding an extremely
lopsided cake. It is completely black and strongly resembles a charcoal
briquette. It's still smoking a bit.]

MIKE: So this is Death By Chocolate, huh?
TOM: Quite a masterpiece, huh?

[MIKE shakes his head as the Mad's Light flashes.]

MIKE: Oh, the Lime-Green Guardian wants a word. <hits the Button>
 Hiya, sir! How's the boiling water thing going?


[Deep 13]

[DR F is still staring intently into the pan of water, which is still
obstinately refusing to boil.]

DR F: <gleeful, but still staring> My experiment is a success, Nel-dopa!
 While you and your pathetic minions were reading "The Masque
 of the Baron," I managed to dial the Association of Mad Scientists
 on my cell phone! They should be here any minute to certify my
 scheme!


[SoL]

MIKE: You need certification before you can take over the world?


[Deep 13]

DR F: Just a formality, you understand. Why, my days in this dump of a
 laboratory are at an end! I'll be the talk of mad scientists
 everywhere! Yaahhahahahah!

[The doorbell rings. DR F carefully does not look away from the pot of
placid water.]

DR F: <calling> Come in! It's open!

[The big door opens, and a guy in a purple lab coat walks in. He looks
remarkably like Kevin Murphy in a fright wig. His name is Professor
Zorko. He's got a clipboard which he periodically consults. Despite
his bizarre appearance, he behaves quite normally.]

PROF ZORKO: Is this, ah, Deep 13? Residence of Doctor Clayton Forrester?
DR F: Why, yes! Pardon me for not getting up, but I have to keep this
 experiment going.

[ZORKO walks over to DR F and examines the setup.]

ZORKO: Ah yes, the...<consults clipboard>...watched pot theorem?
DR F: Yes. I believe that this technique could be applied to thousands
 of technical applications.
ZORKO: I see on your phone-in application you proposed hiring people
 to stare at boilers to prevent them from generating steam.
DR F: That's correct.
ZORKO: And you've watched your pot for how long?
DR F: The length of time it takes to read a 10-part fanfic.
ZORKO: Excellent. And it still hasn't boiled, in all that time.
DR F: Not a bit.
ZORKO: I think I've seen enough. You can look up now, Doctor.

[DR F looks up. He rubs the back of his neck and stretches. The
pot still is not boiling.]

DR F: That'll really put a crick in your neck. Ah, I didn't get your
 name?
ZORKO: Zorko. <holds out his hand> Professor Zorko. I'm in charge
 of research funding allocation, evil plot certification, and
 the sheep dip.
DR F: Pleased to meet you. <shakes his hand>
ZORKO: And let me tell you, Clay....may I call you Clay?
DR F: <fawning> Why, certainly.
ZORKO: Clay, this project shows real potential. I'm gonna recommend
 you for continued research funding.
DR F: Thank you, Professor.
ZORKO: Please, call me Zorko.
DR F: Zorko, I think this could be the beginning of a beautiful
 friendship.

[ZORKO smiles, then notices the camera.]

ZORKO: <points to the camera> What's this?
DR F: <hurredly> Oh, just a little hobby. A behavioral experiment, but
 it's not complete. I'll just shut it down for the day.
ZORKO: Nice. It's good to have hobbies.

[He loses interest and starts checking out the hotplate and pan of
water. DR F turns to the camera.]

DR F: Until next time, guinea pigs.

[He presses the button. Over it we hear ZORKO.]

ZORKO: <os> Hey, the hotplate wasn't even turned on!



 | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its situations and
 | characters are the marvelously wonderful property of Best
 \ | / Brains, Inc. "The Masque of the Baron" is mine, copyright
 \ | / 1996. Highlander: the Franchise and Methos are the
 \|/ property of Davis/Panzer Productions, via Gaumont
------o------ Television and Rysher Entertainment. "Doctor Who" is the
 /|\ property of BBC Worldwide. Tom's letter to the Oracle
 / | \ was actually submitted to the Oracle; thus, the bit where
 / | \ I get zotted was written not by me but by an anonymous
 | Oracular incarnation. "Psychobabble" is the property of
 | The Alan Parsons Project, and is available on the album
 "Eye in the Sky." The "Technobabble" filk lyrics are mine.



> The last two pins slid back and the Doctor turned. "What ever are
>you smiling at?" he asked the two humans.
> Terri answered. "Oh, nothing," she said, grinning from ear to ear.
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1 Comment

Filed under Doctor Who, Fanfiction, MST3K

One response to “MST3K: The Masque of the Baron, Part Three

  1. Pingback: MST3K: The Masque of the Baron, Part Two | Calli Arcale's Fractal Wonder

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