Fanfic Friday: MST3K, PETA and the X-Men!

Okay, I’m gonna pull from my fanfic archive every Friday, because I think that would be fun.  😉  For this evening, something light and ridiculous: MiSTification of a couple of rants, one from PETA about how it would be so much healthier  if colleges started serving beer instead of milk (HAH!!!), and one from a religious movie review service that . . . didn’t like the “X-Men” movie very much.  😉  Enjoy!  Oh, and for fun, I’m going to start putting my old signature block back in.  I removed it from my previous fanfic repostings, but what the heck; it’s going back in.  😉

MST3K: PETA and the X-Men

[MIKE is reading the "Watchmen" graphic novel. He appears
completely entranced. He slowly turns the page and continues
MIKE: <to the comic book> Be careful now....
[He is so engrossed he doesn't notice TOM and CROW enter the
room. Both are dressed in crude outfits made of black felt.
They both wear prominent 'X' symbols on their costumes. TOM
has a visor mounted on his dome, and CROW has somehow bent his
net into two swept-back points.]
TOM: There he is! Magneto!
CROW: Yes! We must stop his evil plan!
[There is a distinctive <snickt> noise. CROW raises his arms
above his head to reveal six rather flimsy tinfoil claws.]
CROW: Ha! My adamantium claws will surely come in handy!
[MIKE still hasn't given any sign of noticing. He winces in
response to something in the graphic novel.]
MIKE: <to book> It's a trap, Rorshach!
TOM: Get him!
[The 'bots pounce on MIKE, who goes down behind the counter.]
MIKE: Ack!
[The book flies up in the air. The sounds of a scuffle ring out
as bits of clothing and occasional extremities flail up into
view from time to time.]
[After a moment, GYPSY enters. She's wearing a long black wig
with a white stripe down it.]
GYPSY: <totally failing to project a character> Guys? Uh....
[Commercial Sign blinks.]
GYPSY: Guys? Commercial sign?
[No response. GYPSY turns to face CAMBOT.]
GYPSY: We'll be right back.
[Commercials. Sydney Olympics. Pentium III. Bad movies. Worse TV. Mentos. "Geico," not "gecko."]
[The guys are no longer fighting. GYPSY still wears her Rogue costume,
but TOM's Cyclops visor is now on around his middle, MIKE's hair is a
complete wreck, and CROW has four of his Wolverine claws stuck through
his net.]
MIKE: Now, what did I tell you about playing "X-Men?"
TOM: I know, I know, no making Mike out to be the villain. But we just
 *had* to!
CROW: We watched the new movie again, and...and...and....
MIKE: And you were just *compelled* to maul me, huh?
CROW: Yeah! There's nothing wrong with that, is there?
[The Mads' light flashes.]
TOM: Hey, Senator Kelly's calling.
[MIKE hits the button.]
DR F: Having trouble with your little minions, Mikey-poo? <DR F sniggers>
 I'm glad to see you're all getting into the "X-Men" spirit. Do
 you know why, boobies?
CROW: Uh oh.... You're not sending us an X-Men fic, are you?
TOM: Have you no mercy? ARE YOU MAD!!!???!!?!
MIKE: C'mon, give us a break, Dr Forrester! We barely survived that
 X-Men/Highlander crossover last week!
[DR F has a look of unholy glee.]
DR F: Nope! Your main course today is a nasty little rant from an individual
 who just wants to get the truth out about "X-Men" and it's religious
 implications. But first, a little something to whet your appetite:
 a touching little missive from PETA on the evils of the dairy industry.
[Movie Sign has started to flash.]
TOM: I think I'd prefer the cheezy X-Men fic....
MIKE: Too late, we've got Movie Sign!
[Everybody scrambles madly about as we zoom into the door sequence.]
[Theater. All enter and take their seats.]
>excerpted from:
> GOT...*BEER*?!
MIKE: Well, not at the moment, but I've got a Guinness in the fridge.....
> BETTER than milk, new survey shows!
TOM: Now, are they talking about taste? Seems to me that's awfully
CROW: Nah. They're just talking about which industry puts more money
 into advertising.
TOM: Ah, I see.
> PETA is urging college students to wipe off those milk mustaches and
> replace them with ... foam? The largest animal rights group in the
> world is releasing the results of research showing that beer is
> actually better for you than milk.
MIKE: Oh, well that makes se....HUH?!?!?!!!
> PETA is giving away bottle openers
> that say, "Drinking Responsibly Means Not Drinking Milk--Save a Cow's
> Life," to college students who visit
TOM: Oh, now *there's* an objective domain name.
CROW: The dairy industry, meanwhile, is promoting Mountain Dew via
> The dairy industry spends more than $300 million every year to
> convince people to drink gallons of the white stuff, but PETA's
> sentiments are with savvy health officials who warn that dairy
> products have four major drawbacks. Milk and cheese: 1) are loaded
> with fat and cholesterol;
MIKE: So? Maybe I *like* eating fat and cholesterol.
TOM: Hey Mike, want some deep-fried cheese curds?
MIKE: Hey, thanks! When'd you get the time to make those?
TOM: Oh, I get time.
> 2) are frequently contaminated with
> pesticides and drugs;
CROW: But...there's no evidence of that.
MIKE: And even if there were, what about the pesticides and drugs
 used on soybeans and rice? Gonna take soy milk and Rice Dream
 away from us too, PETA?
> 3) are linked to diabetes, heart disease, and
> certain cancers;
TOM: And here's another little-known fact -- everyone who drinks milk
 eventually DIES!!!
CROW: <gasp>
TOM: And most milk-drinking Americans are doomed to a *lifetime* of
 AOL signup disks -- even if they're ALREADY AOL CUSTOMERS!!!
CROW: <faints>
> and 4) may even cause osteoporosis, the very disease
> that the dairy industry loves to use as a selling point in its ads,
> because the excess protein in dairy products leaches calcium from the
> bones.
MIKE: It also promotes baldness, the Black Plague, sunspots, and
 the Good Times Virus.
> (The Harvard Nurses' Study shows almost twice as many bone
> breaks among women who drink three glasses of milk a day as compared
> to women who drink little to no milk.)
> Here's why beer is better
CROW: Because beer is the favored drink of....PACKERS!
> A nutritional comparison of beer and milk reveals that:
> * Beer has zero fat; milk is loaded with fat.
TOM: Y'know, Fruitopia also has zero fat but I don't see you touting
 the benefits of *that* particular beverage.
> * Beer has zero cholesterol; milk contains 20 mg of cholesterol in
> every 8-oz. serving.
CROW: Hemlock tea also has zero cholesterol; why don't you go drink
 some of that?
> * Beer doesn't contain hormones or antibiotics, while milk contains
> an ever-increasing variety of the pesticides and antibiotics fed to
> cows,
MIKE: Which are metabolized in the cow's blood to the point where only
 traces of the drugs are in the milk.
TOM: Since when do they feed pesticides to cows?
CROW: <Minnewegian farmer voice> Y'know, I gave some Round Up to dat
 Bessie, and she yust keeled over and died. Real shame.
TOM: <same> Oooh, ya.
> including rBGH, the notorious growth hormone that can give guys
> breasts.
> * Beer has half a gram of fiber in every cup; milk has no fiber
> whatsoever.
<ALL snigger>
TOM: *Fiber*? They're worried about getting *fiber* in their *drinks*?
MIKE: Hey, maybe we should all switch to drinking Malt-O-Meal.
> * Beer has only 12 mg of sodium per 122 mg. Milk is sky-high in the
> stuff.
TOM: Define "sky-high."
CROW: <stoner> Duuude, maybe there's, like, weed in it.
MIKE: <Clinton> I admit I did try milk, but I didn't swallow.
> * Beer has 3 grams of complex carbohydrates in a 12-oz. glass; milk
> has no complex carbohydrates.
CROW: And beer has waaaay more alcohol than milk.
> * The high animal protein content of milk actually leaches calcium
> from the bones. In the U.S., Norway, and Sweden--where people consume
> the most dairy products--women have the highest rates of osteoporosis
> in the world.
MIKE: They've also got some of the highest life expectancies, and
 osteoporosis can take decades to show. Think that could have
 something to do with it?
TOM: No, that's just what the evil dairy farmers *want* you to think.
> Regions of the world where dairy products are not part
> of the culture, such as China and Japan, are virtually osteoporosis-free.
> * Many studies have shown a strong correlation between animal
> product consumption (including dairy products) and breast cancer.
CROW: Jeepers, Mike, why do you humans feed this stuff to your children,
MIKE: Well....
CROW: I mean, don't you *care* about your newborns?
MIKE: It's just....
CROW: Are you all cruel, sadistic creatures who delight in producing
 malnourished, twisted, deformed offspring?
MIKE: It's just a 'net kook, Crow.
> * Unless you drink the stuff on your way up Mount Everest, beer
> won't give you a stroke.
TOM: <ad-man> Beer -- it doesn't kill you outright!
MIKE: <same> Beer -- it's not as fattening as ten pounds of cheddar!
CROW: <same> Beer -- it's what's for dinner!
> However, dairy products contribute to almost
> every disease except carpal tunnel syndrome,
ALL: WHAT?!?!?!?!!!!!!
CROW: S'like, does that include lung cancer....
TOM: ...meningitis....
MIKE: ...AIDS....
CROW: ...chicken pox....
TOM: ...gastroenteritis....
MIKE: ...measels....
CROW: ...bubonic plague....
TOM: ...leprosy....
MIKE: ...ebola....
> including stroke;
> iron-deficiency;
TOM: How? Does it somehow zap the iron in your blood, draining your
 hemaglobin for the evil purposes of the dairy industry?
CROW: Oh cool, vampire milk!
MIKE: Next it'll be "Bunnicula" and "The Celery Stalks at Midnight."
> allergies; cancers of the prostate, breast, colon,
> and ovaries; asthma; heart disease; and even the common cold (milk helps
> promote the production of mucus).
MIKE: Um, is that neccesarily a bad thing? I mean, mucus is part of the
 body's way of fighting infection.
TOM: Mike, I do *not* want to hear about your snot.
MIKE: Sorry.
> PETA's main "beef"
CROW: <stupid voice> I made a funny!
> is, of course, about the treatment of the mother
> cows and their calves on factory farms.
TOM: The steers and the bulls and the oxen are on their own.
> Today's dairy cow is treated
> like nothing more than a milk machine--chained by her neck in a
> concrete stall for months,
CROW: If this is true, how does the cow eat and stay healthy enough to
 produce any milk at all? The dairy industry must be operating
 at a horrific loss.
MIKE: Actually, I've seen how they do it. Some places even have robot
 milking machines. When the cow starts feeling uncomfortably full
 of milk, she just waddles up to the stall and it milks off all
 that extra fluid.
TOM: Don't believe the hype, Mike. That's just the dairy industry
 trying to fool you. They're really animal-torturers more
 interested in getting pain from the animal than milk.
> her udders genetically modified to produce
> so much extra milk that they sometimes drag on the feces- and
> urine-covered cement.
TOM: What??? It's too impractical to mass clone cows, so why would the
 entire industry be using GM cattle? They wouldn't!
MIKE: And why would they risk damaging the udder by dragging it on the
> She is kept pregnant by artificial insemination
> to keep milk production high; her male calves are traumatically taken
> away from her at 1 to 2 days old
MIKE: Uh, actually they like to keep them nursing until they're old
 enough to be weaned. Where do you think bulls and steers come
CROW: Steak trees. Surely you know this by now, Mike.
> and chained inside cramped dark
> crates to be killed for veal. The milk that is meant for them ends
> up on our supermarket shelves.
CROW: And the poor, innocent barley seeds that were meant to sow the
 fertile Mother Earth end up cruelly smushed and boiled and
 fermented and placed on our liquor store shelves as beer.
> There are no retirement homes for
> dairy cows.
MIKE: Good thing, too. Can you just *imagine* cows trying to play
> When their usefulness to dairy farmers is over, they
> get shoved into a truck and sent off to slaughter.
TOM: Dairy Cow today, Happy Meal tomorrow!
CROW: <PETA> We're not even going to *mention* Elmer's Glue!
> PETA's College Action Campaign coordinator Morgan Leyh counsels,
> "Colleges have been busy banning kegs from campus. But we say, 'Ditch
> the dairy, not the beer!' "
MIKE: <PETA> "More alcohol, less cheese!"
TOM: <same> "It's amoral to eliminate illegal purchase of alcohol!"
CROW: <same> "Begin thought control to tell students what basically
 harmless beverages they can and cannot drink!"
> United States Department of Agriculture Nutritional Data for Milk and
> Beer
TOM: Which is relevant *how*?
> MILK (I cup, 2% milk) BEER (I cup)
CROW: "I cup, therefore I drink."
> Fat (g) 5 0
> Fiber (g) 0 .5
> Sodium (mg) 122 12
> Cholesterol (mg) 20 0
> Calories 122 97
MIKE: Even better, here's another drink:
 Fat (g) 0
 Fiber (g) 0
 Sodium (g) 0
 Cholesterol (mg) 0
 Calories 0
> Of course, while all this is true, PETA recommends fresh juices, soy
> milk, and mineral water--even soda--over milk _or_ beer.
TOM: <snort> Yeah, right.
MIKE: So why wait until the end of the rant to tell us that?
TOM: Butt-covering.
CROW: Let's scram.
[ALL stand and leave the theater as we go to Spaghetti Ball]
[SoL. The guys are all lined up behind the counter as per the usual. TOM
is dressed up as a dairy farmer -- for him, that just means he's wearing
overalls and has a straw in his mouth.]
CROW: So, what's with the new duds, Servo
MIKE: Tom's going to explain the dairy industry to us.
TOM: That's right! And Cambot's gonna cover the accompaniment for me.
CROW: Accompaniment? Aw, you're not gonna sing, are ya?
TOM: Yep! It's a little thing I like to call..."Cow Milk Is Good To Drink."
[He clears his throat. CAMBOT begins the accompaniment, which starts with
a stirring string intro, overlaid with the gentle lowing of cattle. Then the
song starts up proper with the melody of "My Country 'Tis of Thee.' (For any
Brits who might be reading this, it's also "God Save the Queen.") TOM's
arrangement would best be described as "ludicrously patriotic."]
TOM: <singing proudly> Cow milk is good to drink
 It helps your brain to think
 And builds strong bones.
 It's good for older kids
 It helps to heartburn rid
 It keeps those little calves all fed
 Milk is great to drink.
MIKE: <spoken> "Rid" and "fed"?
TOM: <spoken> I'd like to see you do better!
MIKE: <spoken> Well, all right then!
MIKE: <sung> I'm glad those cows lactate
 And make my milkshake great
 Milk's good for me.
 I love Velveeta so
 Yoghurt is good, I know
 Cream cheese'll ne'er be my foe
 Yes, dairy's good, you see.
CROW: <spoken> My turn?
TOM: <spoken> Take it away, Crow!
CROW: <sung> Milk makes snot in your throat
 That's what ol' PETA wrote,
 It must be true.
MIKE: <spoken> No!
CROW: <sung> Milk makes your bones all weak
 It makes the ozone leak
 Those dairy farmers sure are sneaks:
 They're killing all of us!
MIKE: Crow, I think you're taking this PETA thing a bit too far.
CROW: Too far? Are you crazy? Milk is horrible! Why, if it weren't for
 PETA, the truth would still be out there! The vast, right-wing, cattle-
 killing conspiracy must end!
TOM: <total disbelief> Conspiracy? Are you okay, Crow?
CROW: The cattle mutilations and crop circles were only bluffs! The real
 menace isn't the black helicopters or Men in Black -- it's the farmers!
 Aliens, disguised as farmers, forcing us to drink the milk of their
 torture victims! Those poor, lovable milk-makers....
[CROW continues ranting as MOVIE SIGN flashes.]
MIKE: Calm down, buddy, we've got Movie Sign!
CROW: ...shocked with cattle-prods, treated like *cattle*....
[MIKE drags him towards the theater as we zoom into the door sequence.]
[Theater. All enter and take their seats.]
TOM: I never thought I'd be *glad* for Movie Sign. How's Crow?
MIKE: He'll be okay. I slapped a new Conspiracy Module in him as we came down
 the tunnel. His old one must've shorted during that "X-Files" marathon.
>[ed's note: I have attempted to render their rating viewgraph in ASCII]
CROW: Ooooh, pretty ASCII pictures!
TOM: Are you sure he's okay, Mike?
MIKE: Lessee.... <fiddles around behind CROW>
> ChildCare Action Project: Christian Analysis of American Culture (CAP)
TOM: Huh. CCAP:CAAC decided to abbreviate themselves as CAP, I guess.
[CROW shudders as MIKE sits up straight.]
MIKE: You okay, buddy?
CROW: I think so.
> <>
CROW: <Kirk> Red Alert! Raise shields!
MIKE: <Riker> Load all torpedo bays, ready phasers!
TOM: <does a whooping siren noise>
>| _.\|/._ |
>| \|-R-|/ | [ed's note: red light
>| _|/|\|_ | is blinking]
>| \| Y |/ |
>| _|---|_ |
>| \| G |/ |
>| '-|-' |
>| | |
MIKE: Wow, it really *is* a red alert.
TOM: Doesn't a blinking red light just mean the stoplight's broken
 and you have to treat it as a four-way-stop?
MIKE: Yep.
>| |
>| Click on CAPCon Alert |
CROW: CAPCon...what's that, the sci-fi convention for religious nuts?
>| image for explanation |
[ed's note: for the next section, lower scores are better;
the score is the number of times an "ignominy" was observed]
>| *Entertainment Media Analysis Report* |
>| A service to parents and grandparents |
MIKE: ...who don't give a hamster's hinder about their children and
 would rather let some stranger on the Web tell 'em what to think.
>| |
>| MAR20065 |
TOM: March of 20,065? Wow, this guy must have a TARDIS!!!
>| "X-Men" (2000), (PG-13) |
>| CAP Score: 56 |
CROW: CAP geekiness rating: 12,394
MIKE: 9,439,823,431 if you wear a Nightcrawler costume to the movie.
>| CAP Influence Density: 0.95 |
TOM: CAP Size: child or adult, 1 size fits all, expander strap included
> [ed's note: for the next section, higher scores are better;
> all movies start at 100 and have points deducted per "ignominy."
> The shapes are supposed to represent thermometers -- it's the
> best I could do.]
MIKE: So one measurement is directly mapped to the "badness" of the movie,
 while another is mapped exactly the opposite way? Who came up with
 that idea? The Mars Climate Observer team?
>| X-MEN |
ALL: <begin humming the theme from the animated series>
>| _ _ _ _ _ _ |
>| 100 -| | | | | | | | | | | | | |
>| 90 -| | | | | | | | | | | | | |
>| 80 -| | | | | | | |#| |#| | | |
>| 70 -| | | | | | | |#| |#| |#| |
>| 60 -| | | |#| | | |#| |#| |#| |
>| 50 -| | | |#| | | |#| |#| |#| |
>| 40 -| | | |#| | | |#| |#| |#| |
>| 30 -| | | |#| |#| |#| |#| |#| |
>| 20 -| | | |#| |#| |#| |#| |#| |
>| 10 -| | | |#| |#| |#| |#| |#| |
>| 0 -'-|-|-|#|-|#|-|#|-|#|-|#|- |
>| \#/ \#/ \#/ \#/ \#/ \#/ |
>| W I S D O M |
TOM: What do those stand for?
CROW: Wanton violence/crime
 Offense to God
MIKE: Thanks
TOM: Huh. No suprise it's so low on the "violence" column, but what's the
 flap over "offense to God"?
>NOTE: We make no scoring allowances for Hollywood's trumped-up "messages"
>to excuse, or its manufacturing of justification for aberrant behavior or
>imagery. This is NOT a movie review service.
TOM: Ceci n'est pas un pipe.
CROW: Look, if it walks like a movie review and talks like a movie review....
> It is a movie analysis service
>to parents and grandparents to tell them the truth about movies using the
MIKE: Well, I guess that's better than using the Falsehood to tell the truth.
> If you do not want the plot, ending, or "secrets" of a movie spoiled
>for you, skip the Summary/Commentary. In any case, be sure to visit the
>Findings/Scoring section -- it is purely objectuve
TOM: "Objectuve?" The hey?
> and is the heart of the
>CAP Entertainment Media Analysis Model applied to this movie.
>If Scriptural references appear in the Summary / Commentary, the full text
>appears at the end of the Summary / Commentary likely using a mix of KJV
>and NIV.
>X-Men (PG-13) -- Two points above R, almost another "R-13"
CROW: Um....PG-13 means kids under 13 shouldn't watch without parental
 guidance. By that logic, R-13 is restricted to those under 13.
MIKE: Sort of defeats the point of the R rating, doesn't it?
>For 20 some odd years, all comic book
'BOTS: <unison> Graphic novel!!!
> heroes and villains have steadily
>taken on darker and more sinister characteristics and personalities.
TOM: Eh, it's all Frank Miller's fault.
CROW: I blame "Watchmen" myself.
MIKE: Good book.
> X-Men
>are no different. This first (I believe) film version of the X-Men earned a
>CAP Final Score of 56 which is two points above the CAP scoring range for
>R-rated movies. Just like Batman Returns (1992), X-Men pushed the PG-13
>envelope as far down as it could go and still be PG-13.
MIKE: Now, now, "Batman Returns" was weird, but it wasn't anywhere near as
 nasty as those Joel Schumacher ones.
> The most prevalent
>ignominy in X-Men was violence [Ps. 11:5] and repeated presentation of a
>vulgar "sprayed-on" outfit on a female villain [Col. 3:5].
CROW: Hey, *I* certainly didn't mind it!
MIKE: <checks the footnote reference> Hey, that's just about ignoring earthly
 things! It doesn't say anything about whether or not a weird, blue-
 scaled mutant with bright red hair is wrong!
> And that's about
>it. No adolescents screaming obscenities at authority figures. None of the
>most foul of the foul words. And only one use of God's name in vain but
>without the four letter expletive.
TOM: Wow; that's impressive in this day and age.
CROW: Yeah, so many <beeep> films these days just <beep> and <beeeep> and
 talk about <beep>. It's enough to make ya <beeeeeeeeeeep>.
> But there was proselytization of a
>different sort, but maybe not that different.
MIKE: Hey, when was there *any* kind of proselytization in there?
TOM: And isn't this very website a form of proselytization?
CROW: Nah, it's only wrong if the *other* side is doing it.
>Captain Jean Luc Picard of the Starship Enterprise (Patrick Stewart) hung
>up his uniform for a wheelchair and headmastership of a special school.
TOM: Uh, crazy religious CAP ranter? Jean Luc Picard isn't real!
MIKE: <CAP ranter> Silence, infidel!
CROW: Naw, he can't be a Trekker. Trek's practically agnostic, and that'd
 drive this guy insane.
>As Professor Charles Xavier, he leads a special school for the "gifted."
MIKE: They're "special." <does the quote with his fingers>
>"Gifted" as they may be, but I would not expect such gifts to be from God
>[Job 2:10].
CROW: <checks the footnote> Huh. The quote is about not always expecting
 life to be rosy and perfect because of God.
TOM: Sounds like this guy needs to take that advice to heart.
MIKE: And where does he get off saying what God would or would not do? I
 think the Almighty will do whatever he darned well pleases.
> From where the "gifts" came is a moot point anyway since such
>powers do not exist.
TOM: Oooh. I'll bet that deduction strained this guy's intelligence.
> The school is a learning institute to help mankind be
>more tolerant and accepting of mutants.
TOM: Uh.....
MIKE: Actually, the school was meant as a safe haven where young mutants
 could get a normal education and learn to control their powers. Some
 of it's oldest students were working for acceptance of mutants on
 their own time.
CROW: S'like, did this guy sleep through all the "talking" parts of the
> Though not incorporated into the
>Findings/Scoring (the heart of the CAP Entertainment Media Analysis Model),
>there lies the onus
[CROW sniggers]
MIKE: <sighs> "Onus," Crow, "*o*nus."
> for a very cleverly ambiguous suggestion of support to
>the alternate lifestyle movement without any mention of the alternate at
[ALL stare in complete and utter disbelief for several seconds]
TOM: Forgiving how much that sentence undermines itself with "ambiguous
 suggestion" and "without any mention of," where in the Sam Hill did
 this guy get *that* idea?
MIKE: Oh, I'm sure he'll tell us.
CROW: Be careful what you ask for....
> For example, the use of the catchy phrases made well known by the
>ongoing battle created by such a movement included "... simply because they
>were born that way",
TOM: And this is bad *why*?
> "America was going to be the land of tolerance
>(instead of the free)",
MIKE: Ah. So now "freedom" and "tolerance" are mutually exclusive concepts.
> "Do we want them teaching our kids" and others
>[Rom. 1:24-27].
CROW: <checks footnote> And that's about not letting desire rule you,
 *possibly* applicable to "non-standard" intimacy. It says *nothing*
 about tolerance being naughty.
> While these phrases could indeed be taken as applicable to
>the racial stress of the time *X-Men* was developed by Stan Lee,
TOM: <mock surprise> Noooooooo!
MIKE: Nope, the message can't apply to segregation of blacks, the murder of
 thousands of Jews, women's lib, the rights of American Indians, the
 Americans with Disabilities Act, or any of the other zillions of cases
 where people are prejudiced unfairly against others. It's gotta be
CROW: That's an awful lot this guy is injecting into the movie.
TOM: I wonder what Freud would say if he met this guy....
> that does
>not change the fact that these phrases and terms were made well-known in
>the 90s (twenty+ years later) by alternate lifestyle practitioners and
>their opponents.
[ALL stare in complete and utter disbelief for a few more seconds]
CROW: I think I speak for all of us when I say......"so friggin' what???"
> Indeed, some of them were spoken by the admitted
>practitioner of the alternate lifestyle, Ian McKellen (Magneto).
MIKE: He's just an actor, for cryin' in the beer! Like Patrick Stewart
 is an actor, and isn't really Jean Luc Picard! Both men have
 played hundreds of other roles, most of them quite different!!!
 Ian McKellan almost never plays a homosexual in his plays, simply
 because there aren't that many parts written for gays! But he's
 an actor! So that doesn't matter!
[MIKE hangs his head]
TOM: It's okay, honey.
> The
>quintessential "bigot" in this menagerie was Senator Robert Kelly (Bruce
>Davison) who wanted the government to register all mutants so everyone
>would know when they had to deal with "one of them."
CROW: Oh, and I suppose he wasn't a believable villain because this CAP
 guy actually agrees with him.
>Key to the manifestation of the powers of the mutants was their puberty, as
>if we would expect anything else of modern entertainment. It couldn't be
>electric shock, a head injury, or birth on another planet like a regular
>super heroes and super villains -- it had to be puberty.
TOM: Hey, hey, they're not getting their powers *from* puberty! They're
 just *manifesting* at puberty! And what's so much more believable
 about a crack on the noggin?
> Once a mutant
>reached puberty, his/her power would manifest.
CROW: Hey, Mike, did you manifest any superpowers at puberty?
MIKE: Not really. Just zits and a stark terror of females.
> And in keeping with this
>theme one of the mutants, teenaged Marie (Anna Paquin) who called herself
>Rogue, found her power in her bedroom on her bed with a teen boy (both
>clothed) who spent three weeks in a coma after she discovered her "power"
>to absorb the "life force" of whomever she touches, even if the touch is a
>gentle kiss.
TOM: Look, they usually manifest their power during a time of hightened
 emotions, and kissing the object of your affection is definitely gonna
 count! What, did you sleep through that part of the movie too?
> In a selfless effort to protect her parents, after screaming
>at them to keep away, Rogue runs away. Now there's a twist in teen movies
>providing "justification" to run away.
CROW: Well, it's not a teen movie, and it's not providing justification....
MIKE: If anything, it does a darn good job of showing how it's *not* good
 that she was forced to run away.
> And this is the stepping stone for
>grimy and grungy Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) to enter the picture and become
>mentor and even pretend pater to the hapless and hurting fragile young
>heroine wannabe.
TOM: "Mentor?" "Pretend pater"? This *is* Wolverine we're talking about,
> Jackman was good -- very good. I suspect we'll see more of
>this Australian newcomer. Jackman was wisely cast as the central character,
>even over the seasoned Stewart.
MIKE: <busts up laughing>
CROW: What?
MIKE: Oh, I just pictured Patrick Stewart playing Wolverine.
TOM: <Patrick Stewart, intense> Tea, Earl Gray, hot, bub.
CROW: <sniggers>
>Leader of the X-Men was Cyclops (James Marsden) who possessed the ability
>to cast fire from his eyes.
TOM: Well, it's the weirdest fire I've ever seen.
> He was called Cyclops because of the
>single-lensed radial prosthetic he wore over his eyes to focus his power,
>configured much like the phaser array of the Starship Enterprise in Star
>Trek: The Next Generation series.
CROW: I'm getting the feeling "Star Trek" is the only science fiction this
 guy is familiar with.
MIKE: And not particularily familiar at that. The visor doesn't look a
 thing like the phaser array on any Federation starship I can recall.
> Jean Grey (Famke Janssen) possessed
>telekinesis and served as the team "physician."
TOM: Why the quotes around "physician"?
CROW: So we wouldn't "notice" that this "author" is full of "crap."
> Storm (Halle Berry) was
>able to control the transcendental elements (weather). Even Satan does not
>have that power (ref: sermon by Dr. Kenny Copeland).
CROW: Repeat to yourself "It's just a show, I should really just relax."
>Leader of the bad guys was Magneto (Ian McKellen). Magneto was once friend
>and "professional associate"
TOM: Again with the quotes! Feh!
> of Professor Xavier but is now Xavier's arch
>enemy, bent on making mutants of the world's population.
MIKE: Oh, well thanks for the major spoiler, dimwit!
CROW: I hate it when people go and tell you the evil villian's plans before
 the movie's even started.
> And that he does
>-- to at least one; to Senator Kelly, who was the most ardent opposer of
>accepting mutants but who is now passive and accepting of them now that he
>was forced to "come out of the closet" as one of them.
MIKE: Uh....I didn't see him "passive and accepting." I saw him horrified
 at what had become of him, terrified that he would be cast out even
 by the mutants, whom he still referred to as "them."
> I believe the only
>"catchy phrases" I did not hear were "bigot" and "open-minded to new things."
TOM: The second phrase did not appear in the movie becuase it wouldn't have
 made one tiny bit of sense! You can't choose to be a mutant!! That
 was the whole point!!! Even if you try to become a mutant, you'll
 just turn into a squidgy puddle on the floor and die!!!!
MIKE: Calm down, little guy.
>The bad guys included Mystique (Rebecca Romijn-Stamos), who was able to
>assume any shape she wished. She was the one with the sprayed-on outfit
>which covered some of her femininity, but not all -- not even most.
CROW: Again, no complaints from me!
MIKE: Actually, it wasn't a sprayed-on outfit. It was more of a glued-on
 prosthetic bikini.
>Mystique even took on the form of Wolverine and did battle with him. It
>took a vulgar comment from Wolverine for Cyclops to be assured he was
>indeed talking to Wolverine after Wolverine defeated Mystique.
TOM: And it worked!
MIKE: <sniggers>
CROW: Must...not...repeat...line.... Must...not...spoil...suprise....
> If Wolverine
>had used a different expletive, it would have been funny.
TOM: Given this guy's sensibilities, he's probably thinking along the lines
 of "dork."
> Also among the bad
>guys was Toad (Ray Park) who possessed a prehensile tongue.
CROW: Ray Park rules, man!!!
MIKE: <McKellan voice> Toad has a wicked tongue, Senator.
> To wrap up the
>bad guys was giant Sabretooth (Tyler Mane) who possessed the strength and
>facial traits of a lion and with the eyes that looked more like a cow's
>eyes than a great cat.
MIKE: Nah, cow's eyes are a lot stupider.
TOM: But how do you know?
MIKE: Trust me. I'm from Wisconsin.
> But I though a sabretooth was a tiger?
CROW: It's sometimes mistakenly called a sabretooth tiger, yes. But it's
 no more a tiger than a lion is, and we don't know what sabretooth cats
 sounded like anyway.
MIKE: 'Sides, lions and tigers are in the same genus anyway.
TOM: Lions and tigers and rants, oh my!
> And where is
>it we hear of a human with the mouth of a lion? [Rev. 13:2] Oh, well. It's
>just a movie.
TOM: So relax already!
> A movie with enough ignominy to push the PG-13 envelope to
>the max.
CROW: ...and then seal, address, stamp and mail the envelope to CAP.
>In addition to the examples of ignominy already revealed, other examples
>included exclusion of Creation in favor of the theory of evolution [Gen.
MIKE: Shock, horrors!
> some pictures of the horrors of the death camps of Poland in the
TOM: Goodness knows we don't want to remember that and possibly wind up
 avoiding the mistakes of the past.
> brutalizing of a young boy with the butt of a rifle, and graphic flesh
>mutilation [Ps. 101:3].
MIKE: Gee, using the Bible to excuse forgetting about the mistakes of the
 past and pretending they didn't happen. That's healthy.
> Several attacks with blades, long sequences of
>violent battles and fights, and stabbing injuries and deaths [Prov. 4:17;
>Matt. 26:52] cluttered the otherwise fantastic visual displays of artistic
>ingenuity and creativity.
CROW: he considers violence to be "clutter" in an action movie,
 and he definitely slept through the "talking" sequences. What's left?
TOM: Sex.
CROW: I think this guy has some serious issues.
> Some "caged rooster fight" violence, abduction
>with false imprisonment, and dozens displays of unholy powers [Eph. 6:12]
MIKE: Unholy powers? What does that quote have to do with unholy powers?
 That one's all about standing up for what you believe in even if the
 local authorities are persecuting you for it.
>gave a questionable luster to the movie. Further, numerous "miraculous
>healings" maybe lent a bit of discomfort for those who love Jesus. And
>murder was unavoidable for a movie of this genre.
TOM: So, an action movie featuring action is a surprise to you, Mr High-
 And-Mighty, Pray-On-the-Street-Corners Hypocrite CAP Reviewer?
CROW "Pray on the street corners?"
TOM: Yeah. It's from the Gospels. Don't loudly proclaim your faith,
 lest the proclamation of faith become bigger than the faith itself.
 Jesus called those sorts of people hypocrites, and said that "truly,
 they have received their reward."
> ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
>Ps. 11:5 The LORD trieth the righteous: but the wicked and him that loveth
>violence his soul hateth.
MIKE: Him that loveth Babylon 5 His soul loveth to sit down with in front
 of a good TV/VCR.
>Col. 3:5 Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature:
>sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is
CROW: But I don't have an Earthly nature -- I was built here in orbit!
>Job 2:10 But he said unto her, Thou speakest as one of the foolish women
TOM: <speaker> Thou remindest me of Ricki Lake.
> What? shall we receive good at the hand of God, and shall we not
>receive evil? ...
MIKE: Well, given the choice....
>Rom. 1:24-27 Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their
>hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one
TOM: Wockachickawockachicka....
CROW: Oh yeah, baby....
>Rom. 1:25 They exchanged the truth of God for a lie, and worshiped and
>served created things rather than the Creator -who is forever praised.
>Amen. Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their
>women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. In the same way the
>men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust
>for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received
>in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.
TOM: So, for being willfully bad, God punished them by making them even
 more willfully bad?
MIKE: Yep.
TOM: Huh.
>Rev. 13:2 And the beast which I saw was like unto a leopard, and his feet
>were as the feet of a bear, and his mouth as the mouth of a lion: and the
>dragon gave him his power, and his seat, and great authority.
CROW: Actually the power was *in* his seat -- the dragon took him out to
 a Mexican restaurant for lunch!
TOM: Now *that's* reaching.
>Gen. 1:24-31 And God said, "Let the land produce living creatures according
>to their kinds: livestock, creatures that move along the ground, and wild
>animals, each according to its kind."
TOM: But what about its unkind?
> And it was so. God made the wild
>animals according to their kinds, the livestock according to their kinds,
>and all the creatures that move along the ground according to their kinds.
>And God saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let us make man in our image,
>in our likeness,
CROW: Wow, Mike, does that mean God looks like you?
MIKE: A lot of people sure think so.
CROW: Jumpsuit, bad knees, the whole nine yards?
MIKE: Well, not me specifically.
> and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds
>of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the
>creatures that move along the ground." So God created man in his own image,
>in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God
>blessed them and said to them, "Be fruitful and increase in number;
TOM: <Beavis laugh> Heheh, heheheh.... He said "fruitful." Heheh.
> fill
>the earth and subdue it.
CROW: <heavy reverb> BOW TO ME, EARTH, FOR I AM MAN!!!!
> Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the
>air and over every living creature that moves on the ground." Then God
>said, "I give you every seed-bearing plant on the face of the whole earth
>and every tree that has fruit with seed in it. They will be yours for food.
MIKE: <God> Just ignore the poisonous ones; they won't hurt you because that
 hasn't been invented yet.
>And to all the beasts of the earth and all the birds of the air and all the
>creatures that move on the ground--everything that has the breath of life
>in it--I give every green plant for food." And it was so. God saw all that
>he had made, and it was very good. And there was evening, and there was
>morning--the sixth day.
TOM: And lo, Schwarzenegger starred in it and it was bad, yea, even as
 bad as "End of Days.".
>Ps. 101:3 I will set before my eyes no vile thing.
CROW: Well, don't set it behind your eyes, silly! Can you imagine how
 much that would *hurt*?!!
>Prov. 4:17 For [wicked and evil men] eat the bread of wickedness, and drink
>the wine of violence.
MIKE: Nerdy and geeky men eat the bread of Star Trek, and drink the Tang of
>Matt. 26:52 Put your sword back in its place, Jesus said to him, for all who
>draw the sword will die by the sword.
TOM: What if they just *paint* the sword?
CROW: Then they'll *dye* by the sword!
>Eph. 6:12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the
>rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and
>against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.
> ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ALL: <little green aliens from "Toy Story"> Oooooooooooo....
>NOTE: Multiple occurrences of each item described below may be likely.
CROW: <CAP guy> Because we wanted to inflate the figures as much as possible.
>Wanton Violence/Crime (W):
> pictorial of the horrors of the death camps of Poland
> brutalizing a young boy with the butt of a rifle
TOM: Both from the scenes explaining why Magneto doesn't trust regular folks
 to accept mutants.
> graphic mutilation and distortion of flesh
MIKE: That's gotta be the serial numbers on the prisoners that we later see
 on Magneto.
CROW: Unless they mean the damage that Wolverine sustains several times.
TOM: Or the horrific flashbacks to the surgery that gave him his skeleton.
CROW: Or his claws coming out.
TOM: Or the stab wounds on Rogue and later on Mystique.
CROW: Or....
MIKE: Y'know, maybe he has a point on this one.
> "rooster fight" rabblery
TOM: "Rabblery?" The "rabble" means the "common folk." So are we to assume
 this guy's an arrogant, stuck-up, yuppie jerk who thinks those "dirty"
 lower-class folk are evil?
> attacks and injuries with blades
> several long sequences of battle and fighting
> beating
> graphic stabbings
CROW: Ooooh, what a shock. I never expected any of those things.
MIKE: Fighting in a movie about superheros? Who'd've thunk it!
> abduction
> a great fall
TOM: Uh....
MIKE: Must mean Sabretooth falling off the Statue of Liberty.
CROW: Or Toad.
MIKE: Ah yes, but he had a *soft* landing.
TOM: Yeah, but I'm sure the boat broke Sabretooth's fall.
> dozens of uses of unholy powers
> deaths, some by stabbing
CROW: Hey, no fair! You listed stabbings already! And death by stabbing
 should go in the "murder/suicide" category anyway! You're breaking
 your own rules!
TOM: And who died by stabbing anyway? Rogue recovered, Mystique survived....
 This guy really *did* sleep through the movie!
MIKE: Well, there was the one security guard Sabertooth took out. You *might*
 count that.
CROW: Okay, so that gives us exactly *one* death by stabbing.
TOM: "Mauling" would be more accurate.
>Impudence/Hate (I)(1):
> teen screaming at her mother
MIKE: Because you should never scream at your elders, even to save their lives.
> rude anatomical references
> eight uses of the three/four letter word vocabulary
>Sex/Homosexuality (S):
> teen boy in a teen girl's bed together (clothed)
ALL: <feign shock and alarm>
> many scenes of a vulgar outfit
TOM: Wow, they're really hung up on Mystique, aren't they?
CROW: Hey, who wouldn't be? Rrrrrowl!
> sexual innuendo
> suggestion of adult nudity before a beach crowd, including children
CROW: If you wash up on a public beach without your clothes, the correct
 course of action is, of course, to let the surf wash you right back
 into the sea, killing you. Better that you die than not-so-innocent
 children see your nakedness.
>Drugs/Alcohol (D):
> booze
> bar
> smoking
TOM: And surprisingly little of these, too.
>Offense to God (O)(2):
> mockery of God, "justification" for doubting Him
MIKE: Huh? I don't recall the script presenting any rational reason
 for the audience to doubt God.
CROW: I think I missed it too.
TOM: Same here.
MIKE: I think the reviewer started dreaming after he fell asleep.
> several uses of script denying Creation by promoting evolution
TOM: Yeah, I'm sure God stays up nights worrying that humans might
 actually use the brains He gave them to try to figure out the
 world around them.
MIKE: Jesus encouraged people to question. God does not want *blind*
 faith, He wants *true* faith.
> one use of God's name in vain without the four letter expletive
> miraculous self healings and healing of another
CROW: Healing is sick and horrible and wrong, and people should just
 curl up and die when they get a paper cut.
MIKE: I don't think he meant it quite that extreme, Crow.
>Murder/Suicide (M)(3):
> at least four murders (in addition to the deaths in Wanton
> Violence/Crime)
TOM: Ah. Shuffling data into different categories to produce more
 impressive results. The true mark of any really rotten scientist.
>(1) As noted in CAP Special Report-001,
CROW: <intense> Special Report Double-Oh-One.
TOM: <to "You Only Live Twice> Yooooou only rant twiiiiice,
 Or so I wiiiiish,
 One rant for "X-Men"
 And one for "Dinosaaaaaur"....
> "Investigation Area and Scoring
>Trend," of the six CAP Investigation Areas, Impudence/Hate was the strongest
>presence in all four movie classifications. It has a strong revelation about
>the entertainment media.
MIKE: Well, "X-Men" was a movie specifically designed to fight *against*
 unthinking hatred. So what's wrong about that?
>(2) The use of the three/four letter word vocabulary without God's name in
>vain is incorporated into the Impudence/Hate Investigation Area. The use of
>God's name with or without the four letter expletive is incorporated into
>the Offense to God Investigation Area. There is no duplication.
CROW: Oh, how nice to know that they remained consistent in at least one
>(3) Only portrayal of successful murder or suicide are incorporated into
>Murder/Suicide. Portrayal of attempts to commit murder or suicide and
>deaths by police action or war are incorporated into Wanton Violence/Crime.
TOM: So why did you claim multiple "deaths by stabbing" under "Wanton
CROW: Maybe he considered them to be casualties of war.
TOM: Wow, so this guy has an even more cavalier attitude towards death
 than the filmmakers!
>The ChildCare Action Project (CAP) is a nonprofit Christian ministry. We
>rely on public support.
MIKE: Just like PBS!
> If you wish to contribute to the CAP, please send
>your donations to
CROW: ...the Red Cross. They could really use the money.
> ChildCare Action Project
> Post Office Box 177
> Granbury, TX 76048-0177
TOM: No physical address, eh?
MIKE: Maybe he's running CAP out of his home and doesn't want to risk
 violating the zoning code.
>Your gifts are tax deductible in accordance with Section 501(c)(3) of the
>Internal Revenue Service Tax Codes.
CROW: <IRS> Yep, totally tax deductable! Simply fill out Form 2333-QT,
 Request for Deduction of Rants, and form 30213-DDT, Itemization of
 Religious Ambiguity, and form 23001-PA, Declaration of Pet's Medical
 History, just because we feel like it.
> Please feel free to write to us.
TOM: <evil laugh>
MIKE: No, Tom. You will not e-mail bomb the nice CAP ranter.
TOM: Awww.....
> You are welcome to
> Go back to the CAP Reports Page
> or
> Top of the CAP Home Page
> or
> CAP Table of Contents
CROW: Nah, I think I'll pass.
> or leave me an email message or comment at
TOM: Here's my comment: it stinks!
>Thank you for visiting us and may God bless you. Prayerfully, we will
>provide you with some of the most revealing commentary and investigative
>reporting you have ever read.
MIKE: "Prayerfully"? Not "hopefully" or "with luck" or even "if you feel
 like sticking around"? That's an awful lot of trivia they're pinning on
 divine intervention.
>In the name of Jesus:
>Lord, Master, Teacher, Savior, God.
CROW: ...and Majorly Rockin' Jedi Knight Player.
TOM: Huh?
CROW: Omniscience is great for video games.
>Thomas A. Carder
>ChildCare Action Project: Christian Analysis of American Culture (CAP)
MIKE: Treasurer: Thomas A Carder
TOM: Chatelaine: Thomas A Carder
CROW: Thomas A Carder: Mr and Mrs Carder
MIKE: The "Godzilla vs Bambi" skit, ladies and gentlemen.
> Copyright ChildCare Action Project (CAP)
TOM: Wow, this guy's actually concered he might be plagiarized.
[ALL stand and exit the theater.]
[SoL. The lights have been dimmed, and TOM and CROW are standing behind
the desk, looking every bit as glum as robots can.]
CROW: <dull> All is dark.
TOM: <dull> Hope has fled.
CROW: <dull> A shadow has fallen over the world.
TOM: <dull> Time marches relentlessly on, yet we remain, alone, bereft.
CROW: <dull> The ebon void beckons.
TOM: <dull> Death, sorrow, despair.
CROW: <dull> Fade to black.
TOM: <dull> The rest is silence.
[MIKE enters from stage left.]
MIKE: Hey guys, what's up with the lighting?
CROW: <dull> Light is defeated.
TOM: <dull> A blackness has fallen on our souls.
CROW: <dull> We find no soothing.
TOM: <dull> Yea, even the waters of Lethe bring no comfort.
CROW: <dull> Comfort is dead.
TOM: <dull> Joy is dead.
MIKE: Oh come on, it was just a cheezy rant. You've handled worse before.
CROW: <dull> The future has fallen to the dank depths of despair.
TOM: <dull> A lifetime of Ed Wood films seems bright by comparison.
[Mads' light flashes.]
MIKE: Oh great, now the Evil One is calling. <hits the Button> Yes?
[Deep 13. DR F is chuckling evilly.]
DR F: So, the rant was too much for your plastic pals, eh Nelson? <laughs,
 scribbles furiously on a piece of paper> The figures are mounting,
 my loyal captives, and soon I shall find the true evil to unleash upon
 the world! <laughs maniacally for about ten seconds, then becomes
 perfectly serious> Well, frankly the CAPAlert site seemed promising,
 but you've seen the best of it. Perhaps with proper coaching we might
 get the right evil.... But no matter. When Mr Carder produces some
 serious evil, believe me, you'll be the first to know! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[As DR F laughs, he bumps up against the Button and all goes dark.]
 | Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its situations and
 \ | / characters are the marvelously wonderful property of Best
 \ | / Brains, Inc. The "Got Beer?" advertising is the property
 \|/ of PETA, although another animal-rights group actually
------o------ thought of it first. The "X-Men" CAPAlert is the property
 /|\ of Thomas Carder. No disrespect to PETA or CAP should be
 / | \ inferred -- this is all in good fun, so play nice. Riffs
 / | \ and skits are the product of Kirstin Jones' feavered
 | imagination. Geocities had nothing to do with it.
 ll---------------------------------l=l "The Loony Bassoony" l==l
 + Kirstin Jones
 Visit "Send them the Post, Frank"
> "Colleges have been busy banning kegs from campus. But we say, 'Ditch
> the dairy, not the beer!' "

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