Here’s something short, sweet, and ridiculous that I wrote back in college. It’s basically the intro segment for a Doctor Who/Red Green crossover. If someday I ever decide to write the rest of it, the Doctor will undoubtedly never appear, much like Moose Thompson or Red’s wife Bernice.
DUCT TAPE TARDIS
a Red Green/Doctor Who crossover vignette
by Calli Arcale
Note: If you’ve never seen The Red Green Show, don’t both reading this. Instead, go and watch The Red Green Show! If you repair things with duct tape, or know someone who does, you’ll love it! Plenty of good ol’ northwoods humor from these fellahs up in Canada. (Also, most of it’s all on YouTube these days!)
Harold: “It’s the New Red Green Show! With your host and my uncle, Red Green!”
<Studio audience cheers as Red Green swaggers in, looking extremely pleased with himself.>
Red: Well, I’ve done it. I never thought it could be done, but I did it.
Harold: <sniggers> What, didja get the Possum Van to do more than two blocks to the gallon?
Red: No, this is better ‘n that, Harold. In fact, I think it’s the best thing ever. We’ve found a new use for duct tape.
Harold: Other than keeping your hat on?
Red: No, Harold, we found it makes a pretty good substitute for Zeiton-7 ore.
Red: Works wonders for stranded time machines.
Red: We’re thinkin’ aboot maybe settin’ up some kind of deal with Magellenic Mining Corp. They want to move into Port Asbestos.
Harold: Y’know, Uncle Red….
Red: <completely ignoring Harold> And the best part is, it even comes with its own built-in adhesive, eh? So you don’t have to bolt it to your time drive. Ya just put it in sticky-side oot!
Harold: Look, Uncle Red, you do know that time travel is a mathematical absurdity.
Red: Who knows that?
Harold: Everybody knows that.
Red: No, they don’t.
Harold: Yes they do.
Red: No, they don’t.
Harold: Yes they do. Einstein said….
Red: Oh, forget aboot Einstein! There’s this guy ootside with a big blue box that says “police” on it. He says its true, and I for one believe him.
Harold: Why would you believe a complete stranger?
Red: Because anybody who travels in a stolen vehicle with the word “police” on it is definitely a Lodge member. Especially with his fashion sense.
Harold: I’d say that’s a good reason *not* to trust him.
Red: Well, that’s what they all told Bernice. Luckily for me, she didn’t believe them!
<cue Red Green intro>