FANFIC FRIDAY: MST3K of “The Android Invasion”, Episode Two

Our adventure continues!  Will Sarah free the Doctor?  Will anyone explain the weird currency and the behavior of the townspeople?  Will Dr Forrester ever find out about the unauthorized viewing?  Find out below the fold!

And in case you missed last week’s, here’s the link to Episode One.

[MUT3K theme]


[6...5...4...3...2...*]


[SoL]

[MIKE, TOM, and CROW are standing behind the desk. They are 
eating cheeseand crackers.]

MIKE: <sees CAMBOT> Oh, hi, everyone and welcome to this 
 week's installment of Mystery Doctor Who Theater 3000!
TOM: That's right, folks, we're bringing you some of the 
 finest English cheese the world has ever seen. No "Manos," no
 "Eegah!," no "Mitchell."
CROW: "Doctor Who." Bad sets, cheap special effects, and
 waaaay too quick a shooting schedule adds up to make this one
 of the cheesiest successful TV shows of all time.
MIKE: But because it means to be cheesy, it turns out all
 right in the end.
CROW: Kind of like "Army of Darkness?"
MIKE: Kinda, sorta....not very much. See, the BBC wouldn't
 have let them  get that violent. Or show bare breasts.
CROW: Ah, darn it.
TOM: But don't let any of that get your hopes down, gentle
 viewers, for soon it will be Doctor Who Sign, and you'll be
 treated to "The Android Invasion, Part Two."
MIKE: Last week, our heroes faced dire and desperate danger
 with strange men in white jumpsuits and guns in their fingers
 chasing them ineffectively around the quiet English town of
 Devesham. When we left the Doctor and Sarah Jane, Sarah was
 attempting to rescue the Doctor from his prison in the Space
 Defense Complex.
TOM: Will he escape from the hideous alien lurking in the
 complex?
MIKE: Will the mysterious behavior of the villagers be
 explained?
CROW: Will Jerry get back together with Samantha?
TOM: Huh?
MIKE: Find out soon, when we have....

[MOVIE SIGN starts to flash]

ALL: Doctor Who Sign!!!!


[*...2...3...4...5...6]


[ALL enter and sit.]

>[Slit-scan corridor effect starts. Cue theme.]
>
> THE ANDROID INVASION

CROW: What, no ASCII pictures to riff this time?
MIKE: They got cut because they appeared in the last
 installment.

> by Terry Nation
>
> Part Two
>
> <Recap from last episode: Int. Space Defense Centre.

TOM: <deep> Previously, on "Doctor Who"....

> The jumpsuited
> androids show the Doctor into a hallway that is featureless
> except for the door they came through, a telephone on the
> wall, and an intercom thingy.

CROW: Well, I'll say this for the BBC. They sure don't waste
 money on set dressing.

> As they disappear off camera, Sarah follows them
> into the hallway, being careful to close the door quietly
> behind her. The androids lock the Doctor into a holding cell.
> There is no complicated locking mechanism; just three bolts
> slid back manually from the outside. Once the jumpsuits have gone,

TOM: Hey, wouldn't that leave Mike feeling awful drafty?
MIKE: Ah, I don't think that's what the transcriber meant.

> Sarah creeps up to the cell. We get a great
> closeup of her straw platform shoes with sparkly beads --
> very 70s. She checks to make sure the coast is clear,

CROW: Then she checks to make sure the Zest is clear.

> then whispers into the cell.>
>
> Sarah: <sotto voce> Doctor? Doctor, can you hear me?

TOM: <falsetto, whispering> Can you feel me near you?

> <The Doctor's face appears behind the grating in the door.
> He looks delighted to see her.>
>
> Doctor: Sarah? What are you doing here?
> Sarah: Rescuing *you*, actually. For a change!

CROW: <Sarah> And let's not make this a habit, capice?

> <As she starts undoing the bolts, we see the intercom thingy
> at the end of the hall swing suddenly inwards -- it's
> actually a hidden peephole for someone on the other side of
> it.

MIKE: <chuckles> So, we're in a high security military
 installation dedicated to the high tech exploration of space,
 and the only way they have to keep track of their prisoners is
 to peer through a peephole in the wall?

> A very ugly alien face
> peers through it, watching. Sarah hears something and looks
> up from the bolt she's undoing, but the alien has closed the
> hidden hatch again.>
>
> Doctor: Get a move on!
> Sarah: <irked> It's stuck!
>
> <The bolt finally slides back right after she says that and
> she undoes the rest of the bolts.>
>
> Sarah: <amused> Doctor, what did you do?

TOM: <Doctor> Got arrested.
MIKE: <Bernice Summerfield> You fought the law and the law won?
TOM: <Doctor> Don't even think of writing that.
MIKE: <Bernice> So, what was the charge?
TOM: <Doctor> Being an illegal alien.

> Doctor: <dead serious> Ask me later. Come on.

CROW: What was *that* all about?
MIKE: Oh, just a scene from the book "No Future."
CROW: You guys know waaaaaay too much about "Doctor Who."

> ***
>
> <Int. Kraal ship. The whole thing is very organic looking --
> though not as organic as the Zygon ship from the beginning
> of the season.

TOM: Yeah, the Zygon ship was *way* more organic.
MIKE: But the Skarasen was pretty sad looking, so I don't think
 we can give the episode too much credit.
CROW: Huh?
MIKE: "Terror of the Zygons." Started out as a story of the
 real Nessie and ended up as a remake of "Gorgo."
CROW: <shakes head>

> There's a control panel with lots of weird buttons, a column
> of three round lights, one of which is lit red (looks a heck
> of a lot like a semaphore),

TOM: <in awe> Wow...someone who actually calls a traffic light
 a semaphore....
MIKE: Kirstin is clearly a true geek.

> and a viewscreen. Guy Crayford's face is on the screen,
> looking right into the camera with a worried expression.>
>
> Styggron: <os> Crayford?
> Crayford: Yes, Styggron?
> Styggron: <os> Crayford, a second random unit in the cell
> area!

MIKE: <Crayford> No, I wouldn't call myself a random unit...oh,
 I see what you mean.

> What has gone wrong?
> Crayford: <genuinely puzzled> A second?

CROW: <Crayford> Not a minute or an hour?

> <Shot changes to a closeup of Styggron's boots -- very
> ordinary lace-up combat boots, painted to look almost like
> somebody was violently ill all over them.>

ALL: Ewwww!
TOM: Why is it so many alien races have such appalling hygiene?
 <shudder>

> Styggron: <os> These patterns were not programmed!
>
> <The boots walk up onto a platform and the camera follows.>
>
> Crayford: <os> Styggron, was this second unit...female?

CROW: Could I, heh heh, *interrogate* her?
MIKE: Crow....

> Styggron: <os> Yes, one of the village section. Check the
> directives. A fault must've developed.
>
> <The view changes so we can see the screen again, as well as
> Styggron's back. he's wearing some kind of metallic tunic.>
>
> Crayford: <delighted> It's not a fault, Styggron, it's a
> remarkable success! <grins>

TOM: Ah. The Microsoft tactics in action. Relabel all
 negatives. Problems are challenges, bugs are unexpected 
 features, and faults are successes.

> Styggron: <perplexed> Success?!
> Crayford: They are space travellers! The Doctor, as he is
> called, is human,

CROW: I thought he was an alien?
MIKE: He is, but most people don't know that.
TOM: I wonder what Styggron will react when he finds out that
 the Doctor is a Time Lord, not a human.
CROW: Probably by yelling at Crayford.
TOM: Ah, sorta like Dr F used to do with Frank, huh?
CROW: Yep.

> a scientist who advises Space Defense. His companion is
> human. Styggron: I see! Externals.

MIKE: No, no, not a Marvel Comics crossover! Anything but
 that!!

> Crayford: They arrived by error.
> Styggron: Perhaps by error. Perhaps by design!
> Crayford: Design...?

TOM: <sarcastic> Y'mean...they might have *meant* to land here?
 Nooooo!

> Styggron: If this Doctor advises on defense....

CROW: <Styggron> ...he might get all defensive about it, so
 don't pester him too hard.

> <A klaxon sounds.>
>
> Crayford: The cell block!
> Styggron: He must not escape, Crayford! They must not escape!
> <pounds fist into console>

MIKE: <Styggron> Damn you, console! Ow....

> ***
>
> <Int. Space Defense Centre. A group of soldiers runs down a
> corridor, rifles at the ready. The klaxon is still sounding.
> After they've gone, the camera pans around to a red cupboard
> from which Sarah's voice is coming.>
>
> Sarah: <os> Doctor, what on Earth *did* you do?

CROW: Given the level of "we're not on Earth" foreshadowing,
 I'd guess the answer is "nothing, really."

> Doctor: <os> Do?
> Sarah: <os> Why'd they lock you up? I mean, they seem to be
> taking you pretty seriously.

TOM: Almost as seriously as Michael Grade.

> <Cut to interior of cupboard. It's awfully roomy in there,
> but then, BBC set budget was never any great shakes.

MIKE: Sure it was! Haven't you ever seen it wobble?

> They're both whispering.>
>
> Doctor: I didn't do anything. Just finding me on the premises
> was enough for Crayford.
> Sarah: Crayford?
> Doctor: Guy Crayford. He said he was the senior astronaut.
> Sarah: But Doctor, that's impossible.

CROW: <Sarah> He's a junior astronaut, I'm sure of it!

> Guy Crayford was killed.

TOM: Plot point, plot point!

> Doctor: How?
> Sarah: It was the first test of the XK5 space rocket.
> Crayford was out in space. And...they lost him.

CROW: <totally humorless> Oh no...now he's Lost in Space,
 right?

> The ship just vanished. They thought
> he'd hit an asteroid.

MIKE: So, in all the vastness of space, with a one-in-a-billion
 chance of accidentally hitting an asteroid, the British space
 program decides that an unexplained loss of communications is
 due to an asteroid collision. Right.

> <Footsteps go by outside, and both of them fall silent for a
> moment.>
>
> Sarah: Guy Crayford is dead, Doctor.

CROW: <Doctor> Hmmm, looked pretty healthy to me, but then,
 what do I know? I'm only a doctor.
TOM: Actually, he's not a doctor of medicine.
CROW: <normal> What then?
TOM: <surprised> Y'know, I don't know!

> <The Doctor looks very surprised to hear this, but can think
> of nothing to say.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. Brigadier's office. Crayford enters and sits at the
> desk to talk to Styggron.>
>
> Crayford: There's no cause for alarm, Styggron. The area's
> being thouroughly searched, exit by exit. The guards have
> orders to shoot on sight.

MIKE: <Crayford> Don't worry, Styggron, the humans who somehow
 tracked us here in spacecraft that should've been detected on
 landing yet wasn't are going to die before we can interrogate
 them. No sweat.

> Styggron: <os, angry> Then countermand that order! They must
> be kept alive for pattern analysis!

CROW: I've just bought a new overlock sewing machine, and I
 need them to make me some new patterns to try out!

> Crayford: But Styggron! We already have a complete pattern
> of the village and defense complex!
> Styggron: Do as I say! The Doctor may have learned of the
> Kraal plan. He may be here to spy. It is essential for us to
> know.

MIKE: <Styggron> Besides, it'll stretch the plot out for at
 least one more episode.

> Crayford: Styggron, no! They must be eliminated! They must be
> destroyed!

TOM: <maniacal> Zey vill be bred und *slaughtered*!!!

> ***
>
> <Int. Space Defense Centre. The Doctor and Sarah walk
> through an interior door, cautiously. The Doctor spots a
> familiar-looking guard who has his back to us.>
>
> Doctor: Well, well, well. <quiet but delighted> It's a small
> world. Sarah: <also delighted> Isn't it?

CROW: Erg. They're strangely delighted about something that
 reminds them of the most evil amusement park ride in existence.

> <They creep up behind the guard.>
>
> Sarah: Hello, Sergeant Benton!

TOM: <Benton> RSM Benton, please. I've been promoted, remember?

> <Benton turns, totally emotionless, and draws his pistol and
> aims it directly at them.>

MIKE: Hey, Benton's been assimilated too.
CROW: <Benton, monotone> Greetings are irrelevant.

> Doctor: Benton?
> Sarah: Benton, it's us!

CROW: <same> You are irrelevant. We are Benton of Borg.
 Resistance is futile.

> <Alarming music plays!>

ALL: DA-DA-DUM!!!!

> ***
>
> <Int. Brigadier's office. Crayford is still yakking with
> Styggron>

MIKE: Just blithely chatting away while the evil plot runs
 aground on Crayford's own incompetence....

> Styggron: <os> You *shall* do as I say!
>
> <There's a cheezy ray sound effect. Crayford starts 
> convulsing and clutching his head frantically.>

TOM: Ouch. It's almost as bad as Forrester's patented Shocks to
 the Shammies device.

> Crayford: Ow! Owww! Owie! No! Stop!

ALL: <giggle>
MIKE: "Owie"?
CROW: Wimp. And idiot.

> All right! <The ray stops
> and Crayford pushes the intercom button, obviously in pain.>
> All....units. The...order to kill is cancelled....

TOM: <Joel, from "Pod People"> My blood lust cannot be sated....

> ***
>
> <Int. Space Defense Centre. Benton's eyes close and his head
> droops forward, almost as if to bow to the Doctor. He also
> raises his gun.>
>
> Doctor: <to Sarah> Come.

CROW: Come, Sarah. Here, girl. <whistles as for a dog>

> <They hasten out the front door as Benton recovers from
> whatever he was under. He jogs to the door to see them
> running away, and then runs back to a wall intercom.

MIKE: Just like Classic Trek -- despite there only being a few
 intercoms throughout the facility, there's always one right
 there when you need it.

> He presses the button.>

TOM: Cool, he's ending the experiments!
MIKE: 'Fraid not, Tom.
TOM: Ah, darn....

> Benton: This is B-block, main entrance. They've just
> escaped, sir.

CROW: <Benton> Sir, I'm a complete idiot, over.

> I'll call for a local security patrol immediately.
>
> <Before he even moves, a security detail arrives. He moves
> away from the intercom to speak to them.>
>
> Benton: <to the guards> The rest of you, get after them!

TOM: Neat, a character is showing initiative!
CROW: Haven't seen much of that in this story.

> <The guards troop out the door. The camera then cuts to a
> shot of the vacant reception desk, wkith several telephones
> on it and a sign reading "ALL PASSES MUST BE SHOWN.">

CROW: Whoa, kinda risque, isn't that?
MIKE: "Passes," Crow, it says "*p*asses."

> Sarah: <os, behind the desk> Why did we come back? We
> should've hoofed it when we had the chance.

CROW: What, are they horses all of a sudden?
MIKE: Horse Who, the new sequel to Puppet Who! Starring The
 Famous Mr Ed and Francis the Talking Mule!
TOM: <awestruck> Now *that* was obscure!

> We're bound to be caught now!
> Doctor: <os, behind the desk> On the contrary, the further
> they spread out, the better our chance of escape.
>
> <They stand. As they hear footsteps, they drop down again.>
>
> Crayford: <os> Sullivan!

TOM: <Crayford> Fetch Gilbert!

> <Crayford walks into view, followed by Lt Surgeon Harry
> Sullivan.>
>
> Crayford: Take a mobile troop and put a cordon around the
> perimeter road.
> Sullivan: Yes, sir.

CROW: <Sullivan> Uh, sir?
MIKE: <Crayford> Yes?
CROW: <Sullivan> What's a "cordon"?

> <Sullivan leaves the building. Crayford heads off in the
> direction of his office. Then the camera cuts down to the
> Doctor and Sarah crouching behind the counter.>
>
> Sarah: <perplexed> Harry's not a soldier....
> Doctor: <brightly> That improves our chances.

CROW: He's not? But he's a lieutenant.
TOM: Lieutenant *surgeon*, actually. And notice his Navy
 uniform.
CROW: Ah. So this is really just a slam against the Royal Navy,
 huh?

> Sarah: All our friends....
> Doctor: Lead by a dead man. Fascinating.

MIKE: Dis iz absoluddly fazinading.

> <They cautiously emerge from their cover.>
>
> Sarah: What's going on?
> Doctor: How do you know Crayford's dead?
> Sarah: It was that story I came here on two years ago.
> Doctor: I don't think Crayford died in space.

TOM: <sarcastic> *Really*, Doctor? Gee, and just what brought
 you to that conclusion?

> And when he finally got
> back here, something returned with him. Something that's
> controlling every human being for miles around

CROW: So, it's the standard "evil alien comes back with space
 ship" plot that gets rehashed every few years by B sci-fi
 movie?

> Sarah: Including Harry and Mr Benton.
> Doctor: Yes. Come on.
>
> <they walk out from behind the counter>
>
> Sarah: Where are we going?
> Doctor: Back to the village.

MIKE: <Doctor> We need to free Number Six.

> We've *got* to warn London.
>
> ***
>
> <Ext. forest between Space Defense Centre and village. The
> Doctor and Sarah are running. Then they pause for a moment
> to regroup.>
>
> Doctor: <totally unconvinced> So far so good.
> Sarah: <extremely worried> As the man said when he fell from
> the skyscraper.
>
> <The barking of dogs can be heard.>

ALL: Woof! Woof! Bark! Howl! Woof!

> Sarah: Dogs!
> Doctor: Tracker dogs?
>
> <They run on, trying to evade the dogs. After a while, Sarah
> manages to trip over nearly level ground.>

CROW: Let's all give a big hand fooorrrrr...Sarah Jane Smith!
TOM: <crowd noises>
MIKE: <golf clap>

> Sarah: Aaaaah!
>
> <She falls. The Doctor comes back to check on her. She
> glares at him.>
>
> Doctor: <concerned> You all right?
> Sarah: <testy> Yes!
> Doctor: Come on.
>
> <He runs off, Sarah limping behind him. The camera cuts to
> the soldiers with the dogs. The guy who fell off the cliff in
> the beginning is with them.

TOM: Y'know, the sad thing is we can't tell whether he's there
 to make this look spookier 'cuz he's dead and stuff, or if
 he's just there because the Beeb didn't want to hire another
 actor.

> The dogs sniff a bit at the spot where
> Sarah fell and then race on. Back to the Dr and Sarah
> running. She's having real trouble now, and stops.>
>
> Sarah: Aaah! <swallows> My ankle! <she clutches at it>

CROW: It's all bendy-wendy!
MIKE: Yep, as all Doctor Who writers know, when your characters
 are in serious danger of getting away before the episode ends,
 just have the companion trip and hurt his or her ankle in a
 non-permanent fashion on completely level ground.

> <The Doctor offers, inaudibly, to carry her.>
>
> Sarah: <indignant> No you won't! I'll only slow you down.
> Doctor: <hatching a plot> Give me your scarf.

TOM: Hatching a plot? At least he's not hatching an egg.

> Sarah: Hmm?
> Doctor: Quickly, quickly! I'll try to draw them off your
> scent.
>
> <She does. He pockets it.>

MIKE: <Doctor> And now I'll wipe all of your scent off of the
 scarf and replace it with my own, thereby eliminating my
 cunning plan.
CROW: Maybe he's gonna give the scarf to Eegah.
MIKE: Oh, wasn't that a bad movie with Richard Kiel in it?
 Good thing Dr F hasn't sent us that one yet.
TOM: Actually, Mike, he did. We watched it with the other guy.
MIKE: You poor dears.

> Doctor: You can hide in the tree.
> Sarah: But how....

CROW: <Doctor> You climb up and don't move. How hard can that
 be?
TOM: Well, she never watched "How Not To Be Seen."

> <He picks her up and she stops protesting. When he gets her
> close enough to the tree, she reaches out and grabs it and
> climbs up as best she can.>
>
> <Shot of the dogs and soldiers in pursuit.>

MIKE: <singsong> We're all chasing Sarah Jane
BOTS: <chorus> We're all chasing Sarah Jane
MIKE: It's one way to work and train
BOTS: <chorus> It's one way to work and train
MIKE: UNIT men are really tough
BOTS: <chorus> UNIT men are really tough
MIKE: That ol' Doc has had enough
BOTS: <chorus> That ol' Doc has had enough
MIKE: Sound off....

> <Back to Sarah and the Doctor. Sarah watches from the tree
> as the Doctor strips off his coat.>
>
> Doctor: See you back at the pub. If I'm not there in an hour,

CROW: <Ace Ventura> ...just wait longer.

> try the TARDIS.
>
> <He runs off.>
>
> Sarah: Doctor! I forgot to tell you....

CROW: ...the TARDIS is all out of toilet paper!

> <But he's too far away to hear her.>
>
> Sarah: ...the TARDIS is gone....

MIKE: Hey, that's right. The TARDIS inexplicably dematerialized
 when Sarah stuck the key in the lock.
TOM: Well, that could pose a problem.

> <The dogs and soldiers catch up and run right underneath
> Sarah. Ahead, the Doctor ditches his hat, his coat, Sarah's
> scarf, his own scarf, and his shoes by a lake. The dogs stop
> when they reach the articles, satisfied.>

BOTS: <panting>
MIKE: <ludicrously cutesy> Who's a good boy? Didja find the
 stuff? Are you a good doggie? Ohhh, yes you are! Yes you are!

> Corporal Adams (the previously dead guy): Well, they must've
> swum across. <ponders> Right, you two go this way, we'll try
> to head them off.

CROW: Ladies and gentlement, the most gullible soldiers on the
 planet.

> <He runs off and his men split up. As soon as they're away,
> the Doctor's head pops up from the water, in the reeds. He
> spits out water. His hair is all matted down over his eyes.
> He tries to see, but can't,

MIKE: <Louis Tulley> Who turned out the lights? Who turned out
 the liiiiiiggghts???!!

> then realizes his hair is in the way and flings it back.
> He sees the soldiers jogging away.>

TOM: <Doctor, sotto voce> Suckers!

> <Meanwhile, Sarah drops out of the tree, saying "ouch" as she
> hits the ground. Cpl Adams and his two guys spot her and
> follow.>

CROW: D'oh!!!

> ***
>
> <Int. Kraal spaceship control room. Styggron is seen from 
> the back again, and Crayford is on the viewscreen.>
>
> Styggron: Report, report!

MIKE: <Styggron> Report, I say!
TOM: Wow, that was eerily accurate, Mike.
MIKE: <normal> Scary.

> Crayford: <happy> The girl is captured! We will soon have the
> Doctor! Styggron: No! Locate him, but do not seize him. I
> have other plans for the Doctor.

ALL: <Styggron> Bwahaha, bwahaa, bwahaahahahaaHAHAHAHAAHOOOHA
 HAHAHEEE!

> ***
>
> <Int. Kraal spaceship, corridor. Two UNIT soldiers are
> carrying a stretcher. There is someone on it, covered in a
> sheet. The soldiers reach some sort of mad scientist lab
> complete with an operating table and weird mad scientist
> controls.

CROW: Hey look, it's Deep 13!

> They set the stretcher down. They
> remove the cover and we see that the person on it is Sarah.
> She is unconscious and unmoving.>

TOM: She was also motionless, zonked out, still, out cold,
 limp....
MIKE: We get the idea.

> ***
>
> <Ext. village. The Doctor walks cautiously back into the
> abandoned village square. He is unchallged as he approaches
> a red phone booth. He goes in and picks up the receiver --
> no dial tone. He strikes the cradle repeatedly, but it's no
> good.>

CROW: Phone abuse, phone abuse!
TOM: Could be worse.
CROW: Really?
TOM: Remember reading "When You Know" by Erik Hamlett?
 [CROW shivers]

[Author's note: "When You Know" is available at Web Site
 Number Nine. Search by title to find it. It's an excellent
 MiSTing, done by Sean Givan.]

> ***
>
> <Int. Kraal spaceship, mad science room. Sarah is being
> strapped to the table with four lead-colored thingies that
> go over her wrists and ankles.

CROW: Hey! Think we're gonna see some action soon,
 knowwhatimean?
MIKE: <decisively> No.

> The soldiers leave with the stretcher and she
> regains consciousness. She is frightened when she realizes
> that she is bound and struggles, but it's no good.>
>
> Harry Sullivan: It's no good, Miss Smith.

TOM: <Harry> The narrator even said so.

> Sarah: Harry?
>
> <Camera switches so we can see Sarah and Harry standing next
> to her.

CROW: <suave> Let me magnetically clamp you to my table,
 baby...
MIKE: <more decisively> *No*.

> He's got a clipboard-shaped object in his hands. There is a
> control console behind him; he activates one of the controls
> on it, and a weird SFX plays. He looks back at Sarah. A blue
> light is playing over her. She appears to be in some pain.>
>
> Harry: She is ready.

TOM: Oh wow, it's every fanboy's dream come true....
MIKE: <even more decisively> *NO*.

> Styggron: <os> Commence the analysis of the brain.

CROW: Oh, it's just a mad scientist plot. Darn.
MIKE: See?

> <Harry increases the power. Now there's a blue light *and* a
> yellow light playing over her, along with a solarization FX
> and an even weirder SFX.

TOM: <laughs> Oooh, we're really pushing the special FX budget
 now!

> Sarah is definitely hurting now. She sees the distorted
> face of a Kraal -- Styggron -- as he observes. He's not a
> pretty sight. Sort of a cross between a deformed frog and a
> Ferengi.

CROW: <Quark> Why, Constable Odo, I had no idea it was illegal
 to torture humans on board this station. I'll see to the
 removal of this heinous situation immediately. You do realize,
 of course, I had nothing to do with it.
MIKE: That was...amazingly accurate, actually.

> She loses consciousness.
>
> ***
>
> <Int. pub. The Doctor comes through the door and sees that
> the pub is empty. He checks the phone, but there is still no
> dial tone. He opens the interior door and finds Mr Morgan,
> the landlord, standing in the hall, stock still.>

ALL: <startled> Yahhh!

> Morgan: <totally emotionless> Something you want, sir?

TOM: <robotic> How-about-a-nice-game-of-chess?

> Doctor: <deadpan> Yes. A telephone that works. Yours is out
> of order.
>
> <Morgan enters the pub and closes the door behind him. He
> goes around behind the counter.>

CROW: <robotic> Telephones-are-irrelevant. You-will-be-
 assimilated.

> Morgan: Likely it is.
> Doctor: So is the village call box.
> Morgan: There was a gale last night, sir. Brought all the
> lines down.

MIKE: My, how convenient.

> Doctor: Ah. <grins> I always told Alexander Bell that wires
> were unreliable.

TOM: Yeah, yeah, yeah, you knew Alexander Graham Bell, you took
 dictation from Shakespeare, Freud was a good friend....
CROW: Freud would've hung up his pipe if he'd met the Doctor.

> Morgan: <totally missing it> Can I get you a drink, sir?
> Doctor: Yes, I'll have a pint.
> Morgan: Pint of what?

MIKE: Bud.
TOM: Weis.
CROW: Er.

> Doctor: Ginger beer.
>
> <Morgan goes to fix the drink. The Doctor takes the
> opportunity to glance around a bit more.>
>
> Morgan: You must be one of them scientists from the defense
> station.

MIKE: <Doctor> Oh, I expect so.

> Doctor: <turning from the dartboard with a dart in his hand>
> Well yes and no, or no and yes, so to speak, as it were....
> <laughs>

CROW: <British> ...in a matter of speaking, know what I mean,
 nudge nudge, say no more?

> Do you
> get much custom from there?

CROW: <British> ...'e said knowingly. Wink wink, nudge nudge?
MIKE: That's enough.

> Morgan: Don't come down here much.
> Doctor: Really?
> Morgan: Nothing for them in Devesham. Nothing for strangers
> here.

TOM: <Morgan -- redneck> So git outta here afore I set you
 with a whuppin' you ain't never gonna fergit!

> Doctor: Yes. Too quiet, I suppose.

ALL: Too, too quiet.
CROW: Hang on a sec, didn't we do that one last time?
MIKE: It bears doing twice.

> Morgan: Except for darts club night, of course.

TOM: And Happy Hour, and any weekend there's a football match,
 and then there's the loud lunchtime crowd from this morning.

> Doctor: Hah! Of course.
>
> <The Doctor throws three darts at the board in succession.
> Each hits the bullseye.

CROW: Impressive.
MIKE: Well, he's 750 years old and shuffleboard didn't seem
 like much fun, so he took up darts.

> When he goes up to take the darts out, he notices
> something odd about the board and turns to query the landlord.
>
> Doctor: Hey! This is a brand-new darts board! Never been used
> before.

TOM: Huh. Awful lot of new stuff around Devesham.

> <He pulls the darts out and runs his fingers over the board
> -- there are no other holes in it.>

CROW: Well, maybe the other villagers are just crappy darts
 players and never hit the darn thing.

> <CUT TO int. Kraal ship. On the viewscreen is the faint image
> of a dartboard, overlaid over the Doctor's face and hand --
> the dartboard is a hidden camera.

MIKE: Capable of getting a clear picture through genuine cork,
 apparently.

> Styggron's hand is visible at extreme right, on
> the control panel.>
>
> Styggron: <os> See? He is puzzled. Suspicious, but not
> certain.

TOM: <Doctor, stupid> Daaaah...huh?

> <He hits a control and the screen goes dark. Camera cuts so
> we see another Kraal walk in. They wear gold-colored pseudo-
> mail shirts that resemble those worn by the Vogons and
> frog/Ferengi masks. They walk hunched over. From this point
> on, all Kraals are clearly seen.>

MIKE: Ugly buggers, aren't they?

> Chedaki: There is no value in this experiment, Styggron.

ALL: We agree!

> Our strategy is settled!
> Styggron: Strategy is formulated upon knowledge, Chedaki.
> Chedaki: The time for experiment is past.

TOM: Hear that, Dr Forrester?

> Styggron: In the case of the Earth, yes. But there are other
> worlds that our people can conquer! It is important to see
> that our techniques are flawless, and the Doctor is
> unprogrammed. A free agent!

CROW: <singing> Free-ee Agent Man! Free-ee Agent Man!

> <Styggron whirls around and activates his viewscreen again to
> talk to Crayford.>
>
> Styggron: Crayford!
> Crayford: <afraid> Yes, Styggron?

MIKE: <sniveling> I don't like you.

> Styggron: Commence the final test.
> Crayford: Direct communication?
> Styggron: Yes. Are the preparations complete?

TOM: <Styggron> Is Netscape finally up?

> Crayford: They should have been sufficient time. I will
> check, Styggron.
>
> <He gets up to leave and we cut back to the interior of the
> Kraal ship.>
>
> Chedaki: The data that was drained from the girl shows the
> Doctor's long association with libertarian causes. His
> entire history is one of opposition to conquest. While he
> lives, he is a threat.

CROW: ...to good special effects everywhere.

> Styggron: His history will end soon, Chedaki. When I have
> nothing further to learn from studying him.

MIKE: Oh, so the bad guys are going to carefully keep the
 Doctor alive, giving him plenty of time to escape and foil
 their evil plan.
TOM: Typical.

> ***
>
> <Int. Kraal spaceship, mad science room. Sarah is gone, but
> Harry is still there, entering notes on his electronic
> clipboard thingy. Crayford walks in.>

CROW: <Crayford> Hi there, Harry. Enjoying the Palm Pilot?
TOM: <Harry> Oh hi, Crayford. This handheld thing is really
 neat; thanks!

> Crayford: Where's the girl?
> Harry: <efficiently> The analysis is completed. We have her
> memory print and body parameters; they're being coded.

MIKE: <Yori> Thirty fifty-six, nine are correct. Negatives two
 and eight are missing.

> Crayford: Right. Well, see she's properly guarded. Styggron
> wants to run a test on the Doctor; is the programming
> complete?

MAGIC VOICE: <Enterprise computer> Program complete. Enter
 when ready.
TOM: Hey, nice to hear from you, Magic Voice. It's been a
 while.
MAGIC VOICE: It's good to hear you too, Tom.

> Harry: We can begin at once.
> Crayford: Right. Good, good.
>
> <Lost for anything else to do, Crayford leaves.>

MIKE: <Crayford> Umm....I'll just go then.
CROW: <sniggers> Not a real efficient manager, is he?

> ***
>
> <Int. pub. The Doctor is examining a cigar left in an
> ashtray through a magnifying glass. It is as good as new.

TOM: <Doctor> Now, why would somebody throw away a perfectly
 good cigar?
MIKE: Maybe it's an endorsement from the Tobacco Council.

> He stands and
> pockets the magnifier, then walks over to examine the old
> horse tackle hanging over the mantle. He is astonished and
> makes a disgusted sound.>
>
> Doctor: Plastic horse brass?

CROW: Plastic horse bras? Why do horses need bras? Their udders
 aren't that big.
MIKE: *Brass*, Crow. He said *brass*.

> <He turns and runs smack dab into the landlord.>

TOM: Whoa. This guy just keeps appearing right in front of the
 Doctor. How does he *do* that?

> Doctor: I've arranged to wait for someone here, don't let me
> detain you.
> Morgan: That's all right.
> Doctor: Hmm. Well, I can see you're a busy man. Barrels to
> tap, empties to count, that sort of thing.
> Morgan: No hurry for that.

MIKE: The small talk that wouldn't end.

> Doctor: Then I'll have another pint.
> Morgan: A pint of what?
> Doctor: Well, ginger pop, please.

TOM: <Morgan> Ah, hair of the dog, huh?

> <Morgan goes off to fill the order. The Doctor follows him 
> to the counter and pays. He spots a day calendar fastened to
> the wall -- July 6. He tears off the day only to find.....
> Jully 6 right behind it! The rest of the calendar is all
> July 6 as well.>

CROW: Okay. I'm getting the idea that this is really a copy of
 Devesham and that the real Devesham is someplace else.
MIKE: So?
CROW: So why would they go to the trouble of specially making
 a calendar with only July Sixes in it?
MIKE: You have a point there.

> Doctor: Pifffh! Strange.... A village without a future?
>
> <Morgan hands him the pint. The phone rings and the Doctor
> picks it up and hands it to Morgan. He waits politely.>

TOM: Ah, I think Morgan could've handled that, Doc.

> Morgan: Fleur-de-lis? <pause> It's for you.
> Doctor: Is it? <takes phone> Hello? <pause> Sarah? What's
> happened, where are you?

CROW: <Doctor> And what are you wearing?

> <Cut to int. shop, with Sarah on the phone.>
>
> Sarah: They caught me, but I managed to escape. Listen,
> Doctor, I found out their whole plan! <pause>

TOM: <falsetto> That's disgusting, Doctor!

> No, no, the inn is one of
> their centres, that's why I didn't come there.
>
> <Int. pub.>
>
> Doctor: where are you, Sarah?
>
> <Int. shop.>
>
> Sarah: The village store.

MIKE: <falsetto> Acting as bait in a really obvious trap.

> You can cut through to it behind the pub.
> <pause> Yes, I'll wait for you. But Doctor, be careful.
> Those robot mechanics are planted everywhere.

CROW: Robot *mechanics*? Say Mike, back on Earth, do mechanics
 usually shoot bullets from their fingers?
MIKE: Not the ones that I met.

> <Int. pub.>
>
> Doctor: <grins winsomely> Don't worry, Sarah. Who'd notice 
> me?

TOM: Well, given that you're wearing an 18-foot scarf, stand
 well over six feet tall, and are having your conversation
 almost certainly overheard by the landlord standing barely
 two feet away...I'd say just about everybody.

> <He hangs up the phone. Morgan hasn't budged an inch. On a
> whim, the Doctor picks the phone back up.>
>
> Doctor: Well, would you believe it? It's out of order again.

MIKE: Spooky.
CROW: My guess is that the evil Kraals are trying to keep the
 Doctor from figuring out that they're controlling everything.
MIKE: And?
CROW: And something tells me they're not very good at it.

> <hangs up> Thanks for the hospitality.
>
> <He departs. Morgan still hasn't budged.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. Kraal ship. Chedaki is pissed at Styggron again.>
>
> Chedaki: If the androids were to fail in their task, the
> Kraal invasion of Earth could not even begin! Suppose the
> Doctor were to turn the androids against us?

TOM: It would be extremely predictable.

> It would jeapordize the
> whole operation!
> Styggron: Impossible!
> Chedaki: Is it? He is a scientist too, Styggron.
> Styggron: Well, the androids are centrally delegated. Their
> programming is controlled from here. <slaps the console>

MIKE: <Styggron> So the Doctor would only have to gain access
 to this room in order to foil all of our plans. Don't worry.

> Chedaki: They could be re-programmed! He has the knowledge.
> Styggron: An interesting possibility.

TOM: <German> Verrrrry interesting....but schtooooopid!

> Chedaki: The androids are a double-edged weapon, Styggron.
> They are unstoppable, indestructable.

CROW: Unsinkable as well, perhaps?
TOM: What's wrong with that?
MIKE: Nothing. As the iceberg said to the Titanic.

> <Chedaki leaves, passing Crayford on his way in.>
>
> Crayford: Everything is ready, Styggron.
> Styggron: Not quite! I need one more android, Crayford. I
> must call on your experience for its production.

<ALL snigger>
MIKE: I cannot imagine Crayford being an experienced robot
 engineer.
CROW: Maybe that's why the robots all turned out as morons.

> Crayford: But you already have my data, the memory prints
> and the disorientation centre.
> Styggron: This is new! You must be reprocessed.

TOM: Reprocessed?
MIKE: Let's hope the processing doesn't involve a Cuisinart.
CROW: Ick.

> Crayford: I can't go through that again!
> Styggron: I need *one* special unit! An android programmed
> to attack Kraals.

TOM: Devil's advocate here, Styggron, but isn't that a little
 stupid? I mean, here you are worried about the Doctor
 reprogramming the 'bots to attack you, and now you're
 gonna do it for him?

> Crayford: But I don't....
> Styggron: Do not argue, Crayford! <pause> Come!
>
> <Styggron leaves and Crayford follows, looking apprehensive.>

CROW: <Crayford> I want my mommy!

> ***
>
> <Ext. village. The Doctor is running between the buildings,
> aiming for the shop that Sarah said she was in. He pauses,
> looks around, then crosses the street to run into a shop
> labelled "AVING KIDBY">

MIKE: Aving Kidby?
TOM: Maybe the "s" fell off the sign and it's really "Saving
 Kidby."
CROW: Low, low prices on young goats!

> <Cut to int. shop. A bell rings as the Doctor enters and he
> winces at the sound. He reaches up to still the bell.>

MIKE: <Doctor> Hush, bell, don't you cry....

> Sarah: <os> Is that you, Doctor?
> Doctor: Of course it is. How did you get away?
>
> <Sarah stands up from her hiding place behind the counter.>

CROW: There's a lot of hinding behind counters in this.
MIKE: You'd think the villains would know to look there first
 by now.

> Sarah: Oh, thank goodness! I've been terrified!
>
> <she walks out from behind the counter, carrying a chair by
> its back. She sets the chair down and sits on it. The Doctor
> squats down next to her.>
>
> Doctor: I left you up a tree.

TOM: <Sarah> Yeah, well, it turned into up a creek without a
 paddle.

> Sarah: I climbed out of the tree and those soldiers were
> waiting for me. I was knocked out. When I came 'round, I was
> in some kind of operating theatre. I was so frightened. <She
> shivers all over and clasps her hands between her knees
> nervously.>

CROW: There's something about the way she said that....
MIKE: I know what you mean. It seems a little glib.
TOM: A little *too* glib.

[pause]

MIKE: Surely you could've waited with the horrible cliche, Tom.
TOM: Sorry. Won't happen again.

> Doctor: <absently> I'm sure you were. <reaches into his
> pocket>
> Perhaps some ginger pop?
>
> <He takes the lid off the pop and hands it to her. She sighs
> gratefully and takes a long swig off of the bottle.>
>
> Sarah: It was delicious.

CROW: Continuity! In the beginning of the story she hated
 ginger pop, and now she loves it!
MIKE: Um, I think that was the point.
CROW: ...oh.

> <She hands him the bottle. He stares up at her, surprised.>
>
> Sarah: Harry was there. Not the real Harry, of course, but I
> thought it was.
> Doctor: What do you mean, 'not the real Harry?'

TOM: <Sarah> I mean 'not the real Harry.' As in 'not the real
 Sarah.'

> Sarah: Well, don't you see what they're doing, they're
> copying people!
> Doctor: Who are?
> Sarah: I don't know, but Crayford's behind it all.
>
> <The Doctor pockets the ginger pop and stands to peer out
> the window.

TOM: I'm just waiting for that pop to leak and spill over all
 the junk he carries in his pockets.

> He pulls back suddenly. There are white-jumpsuited androids
> outside, patrolling the village. The Doctor goes down by
> Sarah again where he can't be seen through the window.>
>
> Doctor: It can't be Crayford, but go on. <he watches Sarah
> very closely>
> Sarah: There's not much more to tell. They put me in some
> kind of machine, and I passed out again.

CROW: And then they duplicated you and sent the duplicate out
 to trap the Doctor. Yes, we know.

> Doctor: How did you get away?
> Sarah: When I came 'round the second time, I heard Crayford
> talking to someone. That's where I discovered what they're
> planning! They're replacing people with these duplicates
> they make!

MIKE: So the duplicate Sarah was programmed to tell the Doctor
 all the evil plans so he'd have an even better chance of
 foiling them.
TOM: <Scott Evil> You mean you're going to tell him all your
 plans and then not stick around to make sure he's dead? I
 can't *believe* this!
CROW: <Dr Evil> Zip it.

> <Doctor is looking
> very worried> Well, they thought I was still unconscious and
> left me without a guard.
>
> <The Doctor is speechless, but after a while manages to
> speak.>
>
> Doctor: And you were lucky enough to find this place? <partly
> to himself> And the only telephone in the place that
> worked....

CROW: Such a *shocking* coincidence.

> Sarah: <genuine> Don't understand....
> Doctor: I think they let you make that telephone call! I
> think we're being tested! <he's grinning, delighted with
> himself> They want to find out how smart we are!

MIKE: <groans> Not very, apparently, since the Doctor doesn't
 seem to have worked out that this isn't the real Sarah yet.

> <He gets up and peers out the window again. The white 'droids
> move off.>

TOM: <chuckles> Guess those weren't the 'droids they were
 looking for.
 [CROW and MIKE groan]

> Sarah: No, it can't be that!
> Doctor: Of course it's that! What I don't understand is if
> they're so advanced in technology they've made facsimile
> human beings good enough to stand face-to-face examination,
> and sent them through a space-time warp to Earth.... What
> can they be afraid of?

CROW: I dunno...fear itself, maybe?

> <Sarah cocks her head to one side, but says nothing.>
>
> Doctor: <continuing in his train of thought> They must
> possess the weaponry to take the Earth by force.... They've
> created a bridgehead by stealth using androids. Fake humans.

MIKE: Insert Al Gore joke here.

> Come on!
> Sarah: <standing> Where are we going?
> Doctor: Well, there's a radio in the TARDIS. Are you coming?
> Sarah: <smiling> Coming!

TOM: <Sarah> Yeah, I can tune into that Celine Dion marathon!
CROW: <Doctor> Are you sick, woman?!

> Doctor: <quiet> Thought so.
>
> <They leave.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. Kraal spaceship, mad science room. Crayford is on the
> table now, and Styggron is controlling the machines. Chedaki
> is watching via teleconference.>

CROW: Teleconferencing software courtesy of Microsoft.
MIKE: Microsoft. Bringing incompetent evil to the world since
 1975.

> Styggron: This should answer your fears, Chedaki. From
> Crayford's memory cells we will now create a totally hostile
> android.
> Crayford: Don't, Styggron, I beg you!

TOM: Y'know, Crayford sure does a lot of whinging in this.
CROW: Makes me wonder why he's following Styggron's orders all
 the time.

> <Styggron ignores him and turns on the machine. The funny
> noises start up, along with the blue light. Crayford moans.
> The sound changes, the light turns whiter, and he arches back
> in pain, then passes out.>
>
> Chedaki: <on screen> What is the purpose of this, Styggron?

MIKE: Ya took the words right out of my mouth, Chedaki.

> Styggron: Watch.
>
> <He turns another switch and an android begins to materialize
> in the corner of the room. Only the skeleton and basic
> electronics are visible.

TOM: Beeper!
CROW: Our lost brother!
MIKE: Sorry to disappoint, but it's just a cheap BBC prop.
TOM: Awww....

> Then its skin appears and it looks like a UNIT soldier,
> wielding a machine gun, totally motionless for the moment.
> Chedaki watches with interest as the UNIT android steps away
> from the spot where it materialized and walks to the
> opposite side of the room.>
>
> Styggron: I will now activate the hostility circuits.

CROW: It's got hostility circuits?
TOM: Yeah, they're right next to the Passive Resistance
 circuits, and just across from the Whats For Dinner circuits.

> <He presses a button. The android drops out of its rigid,
> emotionless stance and into a fighting crouch, its machine
> gun at the ready. Styggron whips out a tiny ray gun and the
> soldier immediately reacts, swinging his machine gun over to
> cover Styggron. Styggron fires, with a six-pointed red star
> appearing over the muzzle of his ray gun.

MIKE: <stupid voice> Pretty!

> He fires several more times, hitting the
> android each time, until it falls to the ground twitching.>

TOM: Hey!
CROW: Cruelty to androids!
TOM: I'm callin' the Society for Prevention of Cruelty to
 Robots!

> Styggron: See? They are not indestructable, Chedaki! What I
> can create, I can also destroy!

MIKE: <Styggron> Create and destroy, create and destroy, all
 day long.

> <On the viewscreen, Chedaki nods his understanding.
> Meanwhile, the dead android warps back to its skeletal,
> mechanical form.>

CROW: <sniffles> Android duplicate, we hardly knew ye.

> Chedaki: <on screen> That weapon. It is new!
> Styggron: So far effective only at short range. But my
> armory section is developing a much more powerful version
> for our space cruisers.

TOM: Okay, so if they're attacked by a fleet of robots, they'll
 be fine. How does this prevent their plans from getting messed
 up if they have to fight a war against their own bridgehead
 invasion force?
MIKE: And not to complain, but isn't this just a rehash of
 "Terror of the Zygons" minus the Scots accents?

> Science, Chedaki! Science will make the Kraals
> invincible! <raises the gun triumphantly>
>
> ***
>
> <Ext. forest. The Doctor and Sarah are working their way
> through the dense undergrowth, aiming for the TARDIS. They
> stop suddenly and hide as an android patrol goes by.

CROW: Hey, don't worry about the patrol, Doc. They're too
 stupid to notice you anyway.

> Then they continue on. When they get
> to the clearing where they left the TARDIS, they stop. The
> Doctor is clearly confused. Sarah seems unperturbed.>
>
> Doctor: This is the oak tree...this is where we landed!
> Sarah: Well, it's not here now, is it?

TOM: Okay. Sarah's an android. They're gonna reveal it to us
 now.

> Doctor: It's not programmed to auto-operate! There's a fail
> safe. Unless....
> Sarah: <emotionless> Unless what, Doctor?

MIKE: <Sarah, as HAL> I really think I'm entitled to an answer
 to that question, Doctor.

> Doctor: Of course, I know! You've still got the TARDIS key,
> haven't you? <holds out his hand>
> Sarah: <motionless> I must've lost it.

CROW: Hah! Nice robot! As soon as her story is challenged, she
 becomes completely devoid of creativity and loses the
 animation she had earlier.

> <The Doctor grins and turns to face her. She is now totally
> emotionless.>

TOM: <Sarah> Emotions-are-irrelevant. We-are-Sarah-of-Borg.
 You-will-be-assimilated.

> Doctor: You haven't lost it. You never had it! Sarah came
> here, turned the key in the lock, and cancelled the pause
> control. The TARDIS continued on its set coordinates back to
> Earth.

MIKE: So if the TARDIS was preset to land on Earth and it's on
 its way to Earth right now....
TOM: <continuing> ...this isn't Earth. Which means it landed on
 this fake Earth...
CROW: <finishing> ...for no apparent reason! Can we shoot this
 story yet?
MIKE: Sorry, Crow. Dr F never gave us that power.

> Sarah: I don't understand.

TOM: <Sarah, stupid> Duhhhh.....huh?

> Doctor: This isn't Earth. This isn't real wood. It's some
> kind of artificial material like plastic. These are not real
> trees! And you're not the real Sarah.

ALL: <singsong> Told you so, told you so, told you so....

> <Sarah takes a step away from the Doctor and draws a pistol.>
>
> Sarah: Get back, Doctor.
>
> <He grins even wider and starts rummaging in his pocket.>
>
> Doctor: I knew at once. The real Sarah wasn't wearing her
> scarf.

CROW: So the foreshadowing and her strange behavior didn't tip
 him off?
MIKE: Well, she could've been hypnotized.

> <He pulls the scarf out of his pocket. As he does, he pulls
> off his hat and whaps the gun out of her hand. It fires as
> it hits the ground. He grabs her by the shoulders.>

TOM: <snorts> Wow, it sure is easy to disarm these androids!

> Doctor: <threateningly> What have you done with Sarah? Where
> is the real Sarah?
>
> <She pulls away and falls to the ground. As she does, the
> Sarah mask falls off and we see the circuits inside her head.

[The 'BOTS snigger.]
CROW: If you look real hard, you can probably see a little
 "Made in Taiwan" label.
TOM: Yeah, these 'bots are clearly made from Radio Shack home
 electronics kits for kids!
MIKE: And that's worse than being made from the theater control
 circuitry?

> She's not dead,
> and she looks up at the Doctor through her staring android
> eyes. He looks back, horrified.>

ALL: <very overdramatic> Oh, NO!!!!

> <Cue music, cut to credits.>
>
> Doctor Who
> TOM BAKER
>
> Sarah Jane Smith
> ELISABETH SLADEN

TOM: Next week, on "Elisabeth, the Den Slayer."
MIKE: Wow, we've only been through the credits once and you're
 already reaching.

> Harry Sullivan
> IAN MARTER

CROW: Oh, don't be such a martyr.

> Guy Crayford
> MILTON JOHNS
>
> Morgan
> PETER WELCH
>
> Styggron
> MARTIN FRIEND

TOM: As the man in need of Noxzema.

> Chedaki
> ROY SKELTON

MIKE: Isn't he the guy who does all the Dalek voices?
CROW: Mike, have you ever even *had* a life? Just curious....

> RSM Benton
> JOHN LEVENE

TOM: Mike, what does RSM stand for, anyway?
CROW: Racing Steve Martin?
TOM: Roping Stampeding Mustangs?
CROW: Resolve and Scan Monitor?
TOM: Roy Skelton's Manager?
MIKE: Actually, I think it's Royal Sergeant Major.

> Corporal Adams
> MAX FAULKNER
>
> Written by
> TERRY NATION

TOM: Prolific SF writer known for creating the Daleks...and
 then keeping an iron grip on the rights to them.

> Production Unit Manager
> JANET RADENKOVIC
>
> Production Assistant
> MARION McDOUGALL

CROW: Maid Marion?
MIKE: I don't think so....

> Title Music by
> RON GRAINER &
> BBC RADIOPHONIC
> WORKSHOP
>
> Title Sequence
> BERNARD LODGE
>
> Incidental Music by
> DUDLEY SIMPSON

TOM: <Homer> D'oh!!!

> Special Sound
> DICK MILLS
>
> Costume Designer
> BARBARA LANE
>
> Make-up
> SYLVIA THORNTON

CROW: Ow! I think I just got a Thornton in my thumb!

> Visual Effects Designer
> LEN HUTTON

MIKE: Brother of Jabba Hutton.

> Studio Lighting
> DUNCAN BROWN
>
> Studio Sound
> ALAN MACHIN
>
> Film Cameraman
> LEN NEWSON
>
> Film Sound
> DOUG MAWSON

CROW: Why do they need two sound guys? It's not like the sound
 was all that complicated in this, once the Radiophonics guys
 were done with it.
MIKE: Well, until very recently the BBC traditionally recorded
 all location work on film and all studo work on videotape.
 Different types of sound recording, differnet specialists are
 needed.
CROW: Ah. That explains the glaring jumps between indoor and
 outdoor shots.

> Film Editor
> MIKE STOFFER

TOM: Oh, just stoff it.

> Script Editor
> ROBERT HOLMES
>
> Designer
> PHILIP LINDLEY
>
> Producer
> PHILIP HINCHCLIFFE
>
> Directed by
> BARRY LETTS
>
>
> BBC COLOUR

CROW: Oh, how very British. "Color" with a 'u.'

> (C)BBC 1976

TOM: Well, that's it, let's get out of here.

[ALL exit the theater.]

[*...2...3...4...5...6]

[SoL]

[Everybody is standing behind the counter again.]

TOM: Another episode of "The Android Invasion" over.
CROW: And yet, there is a sense of wholeness in the
 universe....
MIKE: Wait until Dr F sends us our next movie.
TOM: <to CAMBOT> That's all we've got for you this week, folks,
 but tune in again next week when we watch Episode Three of
 "The Android Invasion."
CROW: Maybe by then the androids will actually start invading.
MIKE: I don't know, Crow, but I'm sure we'll find out next
 time on....
ALL: ...Mystery Doctor Who Theater 3000!

      |         Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its 
      |         situations and characters are the property 
   \  |  /      of Best Brains, Inc.  "Doctor Who" is the 
    \ | /       property of BBC Worldwide.  This transcript 
     \|/        was made by Kirstin Beall and should not be 
------o------   assumed to be 100% accurate.  The dialog
     /|\        and situations were created by the late
    / | \       Terry Nation.  No disrespect is intended,
   /  |  \      nor should any be inferred.  It's all fun 
      |         and games, until someone gets their eye
      |         poked out.  So play nice, kiddies.

Tune in early January, 2000 for part three! Assuming the
cockroaches haven't taken over, of course.


> <There's a cheezy ray sound effect. Crayford starts
> convulsing and clutching his head frantically.>
>
> Crayford: Ow! Owww! Owie! No! Stop!
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2 Comments

Filed under Doctor Who, Fanfiction, MST3K

2 responses to “FANFIC FRIDAY: MST3K of “The Android Invasion”, Episode Two

  1. Pingback: FANFIC FRIDAY: MST3K of “The Android Invasion”, Episode Three | Calli Arcale's Fractal Wonder

  2. Pingback: FANFIC FRIDAY: MST3K of “The Android Invasion”, Episode Four | Calli Arcale's Fractal Wonder

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