Last week, the Doctor discovered that this isn’t Earth after all, but a clever duplicate – but why, and what does the mysterious one-eyed astronaut Crayford have to do with it all? What are they really planning with the androids, and will they ever get back to Earth?
[MUT3K theme] [6...5...4...3...2...*] [SoL] [TOM is standing behind the desk. He's holding a telephone receiver to his dome. The telephone is sitting on the desk, and is not working.] TOM: Hello? Hello? Helloooooo?! [CROW enters from the left.] CROW: <perky> Hiya, Tom, what can I do ya fer? TOM: <irritated> This stupid phone doesn't work. CROW: <same> Hmm, that's strange. Would you like something to drink? TOM: No, I just want to make a phone call. <into phone> Hello? Hellooooo? CROW: Okay. [MIKE enters.] MIKE: Hey, guys, what's up? CROW: <still perky as heck> Hiya, Mike, what can I do ya fer? TOM: Mike, this phone is broken. MIKE: Well, maybe Dr F didn't pay the phone bill. CROW: <perky> Hmm, that's strange. Would you like something to drink? MIKE: No, Crow, I'm fine. I'd rather figure out what's wrong with the telephone. CROW: Okay. [MIKE starts checking the telephone over. GYPSY enters.] GYPSY: Hi, Tom. CROW: <exactly the same as before> Hiya, Gypsy, what can I do ya fer? GYPSY: Is the telephone still broken? TOM: Seems to be. Can't get a dial tone or anything. Mike's checking it out now. CROW: Hmm, that's strange. Would you like something to drink? GYPSY: No thanks, Crow. CROW: Okay. TOM: Would you stop saying that, Crow? [GYPSY leaves. CROW does not answer, but stares straight ahead.] MIKE: <preoccupied> Saying what? TOM: Well, he keeps repeating the same sequence over and over again. CROW: <perky as all get-out> Would you like something to drink? TOM: See? [MIKE takes the receiver away from TOM and starts tracing all the wires going into the telephone.] CROW: <perky> Would you like something to drink? TOM: He's sounding just like those stupid androids in last week's "Doctor Who" episode. MIKE: Hey, that reminds me. Gypsy got us Part Three to watch. TOM: Hey, cool! Some more of the finest British cheese! CROW: <perky> Would you like something to drink? TOM: Can it, Crow. CROW: <perky> Okay. Would you like something to drink? TOM: That does it, pinbeak! I'm takin' you down! Right now! [TOM leaps on CROW and they both go down behind the console. We hear the sounds of a scuffle. Finally MIKE holds up the end of a phone line.] MIKE: Oh, no wonder. The telephone wasn't even plugged in. [MOVIE SIGN lights flash and siren blare.] MIKE: Calm down guys, 'cuz we've got Doctor Who sign! [*...2...3...4...5...6] [ALL enter and sit.] >[Slit-scan corridor effect starts. Cue theme.] > > THE ANDROID INVASION > by Terry Nation > > Part Three TOM: ...the Search for Padding. > <Recap from last episode: Ext. forest clearing. Doctor is > grinning at Sarah, who is acting strangely emotionless. She > draws a gun and points it at him.> MIKE: Hey, it's not polite to point! > Sarah: Get back, Doctor. > > <He grins even wider and starts rummaging in his pocket.> > > Doctor: I knew at once. The real Sarah wasn't wearing her > scarf. CROW: <matronly> And you're sure to catch cold without one, so I *insist* you put this on right away, young woman. > <He pulls the scarf out of his pocket. As he does, he pulls > off his hat and whaps the gun out of her hand. It fires as > it hits the ground. [the 'BOTS snigger] TOM: Boy, it sure doesn't take much to overpower these 'droids. > He grabs her by the shoulders.> > > Doctor: <threateningly> What have you done with Sarah? Where > is the real Sarah? > > <She pulls away and falls to the ground. As she does, the > Sarah mask falls off and we see the circuits inside her > head. TOM: So the androids turn into clutzes when their programming gets the least bit confused? > She's not dead, > and she looks up at the Doctor through her staring android > eyes. He looks back, horrified. He takes the moment to start > running off into the forest. MIKE: <Doctor> I'm outta here! > Sarah sits up stiffly, her back to the camera and her > robotic face obscured by her hair. She picks up the gun and > fires many shots at the Doctor, but misses. CROW: <sniggers> Now we *know* she's an evil henchmen. Evil henchmen can *never* shoot straight. > At the last moment, the camera > cuts to show us a closeup of her robotic face.> > > *** > > <Int. Kraal ship control room. The Kraals are watching the > action on the viewscreen through the android Sarah's eyes.> > > Chedaki: <os> A foolish experiment, Styggron! The Doctor is > at large! MIKE: Well, at least one of the Kraals uses common sense. TOM: It looks to me as if Styggron is a defense contractor and Chedaki is the military leader presumably in charge of the invasion. MIKE: Right. TOM: So why is Styggron calling all the shots? I don't get it. CROW: Maybe Styggron has several Kraal senators on his payroll. > <Styggron turns off the screen and turns to face Chedaki.> > > Styggron: There's no way of escape. He can do no harm. [ALL bust up laughing] > <Camera cuts to show us Chedaki, and we see Sarah lying > unconscious, prostrate on a bench.> > > Chedaki: He is a Time Lord! > Styggron: At the end of his time. CROW: <Kronos> I am the end of Time! TOM: Oh, so who's the fanboy *now*? CROW: Hey, you're the one who made me watch "Highlander: the Series"! > <We see a closeup of Sarah's face. Her eyelids are slightly > open -- she's not totally unconscious after all.> > > Styggron: <continuing> The androids are now fully trained. > Both the village and the Doctor will be destroyed in > precisely nine minutes. TOM: Nine minutes and zero seconds, no doubt. > Chedaki: <surprised> Nine minutes? > Styggron: The invasion countdown has begun. There will be no > variation in the schedule. > Chedaki: I understand.... Is there a safe method of > destroying the training ground? MIKE: Why bother? CROW: No evidence. That way the only clue that Earth's been invaded will be the fact that humans are extinct and there are Kraals swarming all over the place. > Styggron: A matter dissolving bomb, which *I* shall place > in position. TOM: A "matter *dissolving* bomb"? <laughs> Wow, even Dr Who has amazed me with its cheeziness. > <Over Styggron's line, another Kraal enters carrying a > rectangular object about the size and shape of a big ol' > altar copy of the Bible. ALL: <intoning> Pie Jesu domine. <smack> Dona eis requiem. <smack> > This Kraal appears to have facial hair -- he's got a fu > manchu mustache and a goatee.> [everybody sniggers] MIKE: Is this the Beatnik Poet of the Kraals, or what? > Chedaki: <turning to see the other Kraal with the bomb> > Good. <notices Sarah> The Earth female! <astonished> She is > still alive? TOM: <chuckles> Ah, what keen observational powers Chedaki has. CROW: I think Earth should handle this invasion *just*fine*. > Styggron: Yes, Marshal Chedaki. She has been preserved. MIKE: ...in a light orange-brandy marinade. > Chedaki: Why? > Styggron: <amused> Another of my "foolish experiments." The > virus which our androids will use to cleanse the Earth of > its human population has only been proved in laboratory > conditions. *I* wish to test it on a living human organism. > <takes the bomb from the unnamed Kraal> CROW: Oh, heaven forbid they *test* a weapon before relying on it as the lynchpin of their evil plot. > Chedaki: <mumbling as they leave the room> Good.... > <something incomprehensible> TOM: <Chedaki> ...lousy thus-and-such...why, I oughtta.... > <Once they've left, Sarah stirs. She's obviously got the > mother of all headaches as she pushes herself up into a > sitting position and gets up off of the bench.> MIKE: <Sarah> Man, what did I *do* last night? I hope I had fun.... Oh, man, headrush.... > Sarah: Nine minutes.... > > <She leaves out the same door as the Kraals.> TOM: ...then runs smack into the Kraals as they return, having forgotten their coats. > *** CROW: Meanwhile, back in Devesham.... > <Ext. village. An android vicar and two jump-suited generic > androids are gathering as a truck pulls up. The Doctor walks > into the village from another direction, on the other side > of a hedge, and spots the truck. He peers around the hedge > to see the androids loading up the truck with all of the > replicated villagers. The truck drives off and the Doctor > emerges from behind the hedge and walks into the main > square.> CROW: ...nothing much is happening. > *** > > <Int. Kraal spaceship, main hatchway. We can see the > village right on the other side of the hatch.> > > Crayford: <sharp> Come on! Hurry along! > > <Under the watchful eye of Harry Sullivan, UNIT soldiers > begin entering the ship, stooping to go through the low > doorway. They are followed by the villagers.> CROW: The Village People, maybe? TOM: Well, Harry *is* in the Navy. CROW: Think they're going to sing "In The Navy" now? MIKE: I sincerely hope not. > Crayford: Quickly, now! > > <Cut to a closeup of Sarah, peering around a corner at > ground level, right behind Crayford's lower legs. CROW: <falsetto> Okay, now I gotta get outta here somehow, but Crayford's blocking my...say, Crayford's got nice legs.... > Then cut back to the view of the > hatch itself. A few more androids come through, followed by > RSM Benton.> > > Crayford: Any more? > Benton: We're the last. MIKE: Y'know, it seems to me Crayford could be keeping a count of them to see if they're all there, instead of relying on Benton. > <Benton seals the hatchway and exits. Sarah sees how this is > done.> > > Crayford: <to Harry> Make sure the blast doors are closed. CROW: <Stormtrooper voice> Close the blast doors, close the blast doors! > You have > four minutes. > Harry: Yes, sir. > > <They both exit. Sarah comes out of her hiding place and > reopens the door. We now see the door for the first time -- > the bottom is randomly toothed and very obviously does not > seal. It slides up, and Sarah runs out of the ship.> TOM: <sniggers> Wow, they've got *great* security in *this* place! > *** > > <Ext. village square. The Doctor is pacing, pondering the > situation. MIKE: <Doctor> What to do, what to do.... > He walks slowly towards the camera, staring away from the > camera, in the direction of the red phone booth. MIKE: <Doctor> I know! I can save 10 cents by calling 10-10-321! > Eventually he backs right up > to the camera and a pair of Kraal hands come down on his > shoulders. CROW: <Kraal> Fool! You must use 1-800-COLLECT! > He cranes his neck around until he can see his assailant.> > > Doctor: Ack! <sees Styggron and smiles warmly> Oh, hello! > Styggron: <gruff> Resistance is inadvisable. MIKE: Resistance is *inadvisable*? Isn't that kinda wishy- washy? TOM: <Borg> Resistance-is-inadvisable. You-may-be- assimilated,-if-that's-not-too-much-trouble-for-you. > Doctor: Look here, we haven't been introduced, have we? > Styggron: This is no time for niceties! CROW: <Styggron> The time for that is later, in my quarters. > <He pushes the Doctor roughly away. The Doctor falls to the > ground, and two white androids that are just standing there, > off to the sides, TOM: Hey, where'd they come from? I thought all the 'bots had boarded the ship. > walk up and grab the Doctor. Styggron gestures to them and > one goes off to collect a vine. They use the vine to tie the > Doctor's hands behind the monument in the center of the > square. Styggron puts the bomb down at the base of the > monument and switches it on. Out of its case, it looks like > a typewriter, and makes a genuine "vworp, vworp" sound. MIKE: To distinguish it from the TARDIS' "vworp vworp" sound, of course. TOM: Oh, of course. > The androids start walking back to the > ship.> > > Doctor: Well, well, well. An M.D. bomb. CROW: The bomb's a physician? Wouldn't that kind of go against the usual purpose of a bomb, i.e. wholesale death and destruction? TOM: Maybe it's made in Maryland. MIKE: Guys, it's just the matter dissolving bomb. [pause] TOM: Mike, did you actually say that with a straight face, or doth mine ears deceive me? > Styggron: In exactly three minutes, our simulated Earth > village will evaporate, CROW: But I thought it was going to dissolve! That's a fundamentally different physical process! Get it right! > and you with it! > Doctor: <smiles> You're really enjoying this, aren't you? > > <Styggron says nothing, but scowls at the Doctor and lurches > away, following the androids.> > > Doctor: <cheerful> Don't go! Stay! Just for a few minutes. > Then we can all go together! ALL: Wah, wah, wah, waaaaaah.... > <The pitch of the device begins to slowly modulate. TOM: Hey, that sound effect's from "The Day the Earth Stood Still." > The Doctor > struggles with his bonds, but to no avail. Then Sarah > arrives.> > > Sarah: Doctor? Doctor! > Doctor: I'm over here! MIKE: <Doctor> I'm the person right in full view right in front of you! > <She runs into the square and stops at the foot of the > monument.> > > Sarah: Listen, this place is going to be blown sky high! > Well, don't just sit there, come on! > Doctor: <annoyed> I'm not just sitting here, I'm tied up! CROW: <Doctor> And I'm standing, not sitting, nimrod! > <Sarah immediately understands and runs up the side of the > monument to check the bonds.> > > Doctor: There's a knife in my right hand pocket. > > <Sarah retrieves the knife and begins hacking away, to no > avail.> > > Sarah: It won't cut! It's as strong as steel! TOM: Well, maybe if you used the *sharp* edge of the knife.... > Doctor: Of course...it's artificial ivy! MIKE: <sighs> And yet another pointless delay is added to the plot.... > <Closeup of the bomb. Its timer is moving closer and closer > to the detonation zone.> > > Doctor: Try the sonic screwdriver. CROW: <drunken> Yesh, bahtendeh, I'll hab anutter sonic schcrewdrivler, pleaze.... > <Sarah starts rustling around in the Doctor's pockets.> > > Doctor: Set it to theta omega. TOM: Wasn't that the Doctor's school nickname? MIKE: No, you're thinking of Theta Sigma. > <Sarah finds the sonic screwdriver and gets working on the creeper.> CROW: Wow, working on an obscure "Batman" character. I'm impressed. TOM: Maybe she's practising to be an inker. > Recorded Kraal voice: <os, from bomb> Thirty seconds. > Twenty-five seconds. MIKE: Nice of the evil aliens to build a bomb with a handy audible countdown device. > <The creeper begins to twist and melt under the force of the > sonic screwdriver. > > Recorded Kraal voice: Twenty seconds. > > <The Doctor is freed and he and Sarah dash away.> ALL: Run away! Run away! > Sarah: Hang on! I know one of the ways out! > > <Sarah leads the Doctor in a frantic dash for the Kraal > ship.> > > Recorded Kraal voice: Fifteen. Fourteen. Thirteen. Twelve. > Eleven. Ten. Nine. > > <The tempo of the bomb's FX suddenly accelerates as it > prepares to detonate. Sarah and the Doctor sprint towards > the door of a cottage.> CROW: So, the Kraal ship is disguised as a cottage? MIKE: Yeah, they contracted out to Wallace & Gromit for their camoflage. > Recorded Kraal voice: Eight. TOM: <Holly> Six. Five. CROW: You missed seven. TOM: <Holly> Did I? I've always had a bit of a blind spot for sevens.... > Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three. > Two. One. Zero. > > <Our heros dash through the door of the cottage...and into > the Kraal ship. Sarah shuts the hatch behind her, but the > force of the explosion still knocks them down in slo-mo > before hatch can shut completely.> MIKE: <Doctor, slo-mo> Iiii'm faaaaalllliiiiinnnng doooooowwwwn, Ssssaaaaraaaah Jaaaaaane.... > <Cut to a shot of the square, where cheezy ray FX can be > seen emanating from the bomb. [ALL snigger] CROW: So *this* is where the Power Rangers got their FX from. > The village gradually fades away, vaporized > by the bomb, and all that's left is a wasteland with > virtually no vegetation.> > > <Cut back to the interior of the Kraal ship, where the > Doctor and Sarah are picking themselves up.> > > Doctor: A bit close. TOM: <ominous> A bit *too* close. > Sarah: <out of breath> Wouldn't...care...to have been...any > closer.... CROW: Say...Doctor...whatdoyou...think...ofmy... Shatnerimpression? > <They stand to find themselves surrounded by Crayford and > several androids -- the Harry Sullivan 'bot, and two of the > UNIT 'bots.> > > Crayford: Escort them to the cell. MIKE: *The* cell? TOM: Huh. Looks like the Kraals have a lousy defense budget. > I must report this to Styggron. > Doctor: <immediately interested> Styggron? Who's Styggron? > Harry Sullivan: <snaps> Move! CROW: <Flynn> Look, if this is about those parking tickets, I'm sorry! > <They lead the Doctor and Sarah away.> > > Doctor: I prefer our Harry.... CROW: <Doctor> He's *much* better in the sack. MIKE&TOM: Crow!!! > *** > > <Int. Kraal control room.> > > Recorded Kraal voice: <os> Leader rocket in launch phase. > Time to liftoff, ninety minutes. > Styggron: Have the pre-launch checks been completed? TOM: <Kraal> Naah, we figured we'd start the countdown and just wing it from there. > Gruff Unnamed Kraal: Yes, the androids are being loaded now. CROW: <Kraal> We're loading them with Windows'95. Is that okay? MIKE: <Styggron> Fool! You must use Linux! > <Crayford runs into the room.> > > Crayford: Styggron! We have recaptured the girl. She was > with the Doctor. > Styggron: <astonished> The Doctor?! > Crayford: Ah, it seems she helped him to escape. > Styggron: He must be destroyed. At once. Have him killed. MIKE: Once again, kill the prisoner without questioning him or making the slightest effort to determine why he's here, how much he knows and whether or not he was sent here. > Crayford: <perplexed> Why, Styggron? <smiles> There's > really no need. > Styggron: <slightly taunting> Oooh, you're singing a > different song now, Crayford! TOM: Before, he was singing "All I Ask of You," but now he's singing the love theme from Titanic. MIKE & CROW: AAAAAAIIIIGH!!! > They must be eliminated, isn't *that* what you said? > Crayford: That was because they were a danger to the plan, > Styggron! I mean, what harm can they do now, locked away in > a cell? CROW: Given their track record, probably quite a bit. > Styggron: <dismissive> The Doctor is no longer of any use. MIKE: So just *throw* him away, like an old kleenex.... > Crayford: But he would make a valuable subject for analysis! > Styggron: <dubious> Analysis? > Crayford: Yes, the knowledge and experience of a Time Lord > would make a, well, a *useful* addition to the Kraal data > banks. TOM: <chuckles> I'm guessing they don't know much about Time Lords. CROW: How so? TOM: Well, the average Time Lord would produce information as stunning as a detailed study of the life cycle of the Gallifreyan Flutterwing. > Styggron: You were happy for him to die, provided *I* killed > him. You are squeamish, Crayford. A puny-minded weakling, > like all your race. CROW: Yep. Pretty much summed up the human race, there. TOM: Yep. Hit the nail on the head. MIKE: Yep, he di...hey!! > <Crayford bows his head, shamed.> > > Styggron: Oh, very well, very well. TOM: <Styggron> There, there, Crayford. And we'll get you that pony you wanted, I promise. > Crayford: <genuinely grateful> Thank you, Styggron. CROW: <Crayford> Can I stay up past my bedtime, too? TOM: <Styggron> We'll see. > <He leaves. Styggron turns to the other Kraal.> > > Styggron: We shall analyze his brain. And then he shall die. CROW: <Crayford> Well, I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition. > <Dramatic musical sting plays as we cut to the next scene.> MIKE: *No*body expects the Spanish Inquisition! > *** > > <Int. Kraal ship, outside the cell. A UNIT guard is standing > outside with a rifle. The camera cuts to inside the cell, > where Sarah is sitting on the floor.> > > Sarah: ...not on Earth.... What do you mean? Of *course* > we're on Earth! > Doctor: <standing by the door with the sonic screwdriver> > Harry and Benton and the rest are not the real thing. TOM: <military British> It's a 'droids life in the modern British army.... > Sarah: Not real! > Doctor: Fakes. Copies. Electronic androids with well- > programmed computers instead of brains. [the 'BOTS snigger] MIKE: What? CROW: I would *not* call those androids "well-programmed." > <He tries the screwdriver on the door.> TOM: Then he tries the mint julep on the door. > Sarah: It all makes sense now.... > Doctor: If I'd had my wits about me, I'd've known it from > the start. CROW: How? With the magic Plot Revelation Device? > Remember that high level of radiation I'd noticed when we > left the TARDIS? > Sarah: Yes, you thought there'd been a leak from the defense > station. > Doctor: That was natural radiation. The Kraal planet > Poseidon(?) is the only planet in the galaxy with a level > that high. MIKE: Not only can you fry eggs on the sidewalk here, but you can microwave them as well. > <tries the > screwdriver again to no avail> This is no good. <sits by > Sarah> > Sarah: <worried> Won't that radiation make us ill? > Doctor: Well, It's not that bad...yet. > Sarah: All the same, the sooner we get away from here, the > better. > Doctor: Quite right. Any level of radiation is too high MIKE: Okay, time out. *Any* level of radiation? Including the UV radiation that always gets to the Earth's surface? > and it's > getting worse all the time. Not be long before the place > becomes uninhabitable. That's why the Kraals are planning to > leave and take over Earth. TOM: <Sarah> Well, that sounds reasona...hey, wait a minute! > Sarah: So, everything we've seen has been a fake! > Doctor: Yes. > Sarah: But the village! > Doctor: Yes, and the woods, and the defense station. Every > last detail, copied down. Including the inhabitants. CROW: <exasperated> Okay, I've just gotta ask one thing. *Why*?!?!?!!! What military value is there in copying country bumpkins and giving them inadequate programming? > Sarah: Like a sort of training ground. > > <Cut to Crayford, listening through a speaker outside the > cell.> > > Doctor: <os> Exactly. And they hardly made a slip. One or > two, perhaps, like mint-fresh money all the same date. > Otherwise, they got everything right. MIKE: They only forgot one thing. CROW: What's that? MIKE: Advertising. The inside of that phone booth was waaaaay too clean. > <Crayford stops listening and opens the door to the cell. He > walks in, followed by the guard.> > > Crayford: I've, uh, been listening to your conversation. > Doctor: <stands> Well, nobody's perfect. > Crayford: I hear you're impressed by the thoroughness with > which this operation has been planned. TOM: <Doctor> Well, maybe "impressed" is the wrong word....I prefer "am building a rainy day story which will keep everybody amused for years to come." > Doctor: Well, it *is* impressive. But doomed to fail in the > end. > Crayford: <smiles> Oh, no Doctor! CROW: <Crayford, ludicrously happy> No, it's failing already! > No, shortly I shall leave for Earth. > <happy> The Kraals will project me through the space-time > warp and my ship will make a normal re-entry into the > Earth's atmosphere. MIKE: <Crayford> Ah, it *is* normal to reeenter at a steep angle with no parachute or heat shield, right? > Doctor: <chuckles> A *normal* re-entry? Crayford, you've > been gone two years, assumed dead. > Crayford: Ah, yes Doctor, but I have recently re-established > radio contact with Earth. TOM: <Crayford> It's great; the original "Shadow" broadcasts have just reached the Kraal homeworld! > <almost gleeful> They know about the stabilizer > failure that sent me into orbit around Jupiter. They know > how I've rationed my provisions, particularily drinking > water -- my recycling experiments. CROW: Mike, he doesn't mean.... MIKE: I'm afraid he does. [pause] ALL: EWWWWWWWW!!!!! > <barely able to contain his excitement> Already, > every telescope on Earth is trained on that *little* patch of sky > where my XK5 will reappear. TOM: <cutesy> That little-widdle itty-bitty teeny-tiny... CROW: ...polka dot bikini.... TOM: <same> ...patch of *cuuute* widdle sky.... > Doctor: <apprehensive> A gigantic hoax. > Crayford: *Exactly*, Doctor, yes! And all *brilliantly* > planned by Styggron, [ALL laugh] MIKE: "Brilliantly" and "Styggron" in the same sentence. Wow. > the chief scientist of the Kr.... > Doctor: But helped by you! He couldn't have done it without > your knowledge and memory. > Crayford: Yes, yes, uh, the Kraals have a superb technology.... CROW: This week, on nonsequitor, non-answer theater..... > Sarah: <speaking up for the first time> Why did you do it? > What made you betray Earth? > Crayford: <slightly annoyed> Well, didn't Earth betray me? TOM: It depends on what the definition of "betray" is. > I was > written off, wasn't I, left to die in space? It was the > Kraals who saved *me*! <squats down next to Sarah, wringing > his hands as he recounts his nerve-wracking story> I mean, > I was, I was *dying*, wasn't I? CROW: I dunno. You tell us. > I was being...torn apart by gyro failure... And they > reconstructed me, Miss Smith, in *every* detail. [ALL chuckle nervously] MIKE: Uh, I'm not sure I wanna know about *every* detail.... > <he laughs lightly > to break some of the tension> Except the one eye that...for > *some* reason couldn't be found. TOM: Yeah, I hate it when aliens reconstruct you and then "accidentally" lose your eye. MIKE: Remember, it's only fun until someone loses an eye. > Oh no, I owe them everything. CROW: Except for the eye, that is. > Sarah: Well, that's what they want. Everything! They want > the world. > Crayford: Oh no, the increasing radiation here is making > them a doomed race, well, and they just have to leave, don't > they? I mean, why should people with such skill just be > allowed to die? MIKE: <chuckles> Not much of an argument considering what kind of "skills" the Kraals have demonstrated so far.... TOM: Well, they're pretty good at defense contracting. MIKE: But when it comes to management, they stink. CROW: Maybe this is the planet Dilbert's boss really comes from. > Sarah: <quietly offended> The human race has a few skills of > its own. > Crayford: Yes, yes, I know, I know, but the Kraals have > promised me that no humans will be harmed, TOM: <snort> Yeah, right. > as long as they obey the ultimatum > that is being prepared. The Kraals are going to take over > the northern hemisphere and...and live in peace! I have > their word for it! > Doctor: <quiet> You've been brainwashed, Crayford. MIKE: <Doctor, quiet> And the Kraals don't use Tide. > Crayford: <excited again> Before my spaceship lands, the > space shells with the androids inside will be launched. CROW: Hey, sorta like the two probes that rode along with Mars Polar Lander. TOM: <chuckles> Oh, *that's* a rousing endorsement. > Now, if anyone sees them > they'll just be taken for meteorites, you see? <gleeful> And > then the androids will take over the key positions in the > defense complex and clear the way for Marshall Chedaki to > bring in the main invasion fleet without a shot being fired! MIKE: Because only Britain could possibly stand in the way! TOM: As far as ludicrous patriotism goes, this is like the British version of "Independence Day" and "Armageddon." > Doctor: I see, I see. Tell me, if your Kraal friends are so > unviolent, why did Styggron try to vaporize me? > Crayford: Oh yes, yes...well, they thought you were a danger. > Doctor: <patronizing> Oh.... CROW: <Doctor, under his breath> Dickweed.... > Crayford: <oblivious> You see, Miss Smith's memory prints > had showed your past intense involvement in the defense of > Earth. But I have persuaded them to utilize that knowledge > -- it won't be wasted. See, Styggron's machine extracts and > feeds into a computer the entire memory and entire > intelligence of any living being. It's...painful, I know. MIKE: Ah. The obligatory "torture the Doctor" scene, characteristic of any bad Who story. TOM: And some good ones. MIKE: Good point. > But it's better than dying. > Unnamed Kraal Voice: <os> Service mechanics move to leader > rocket loading bay *now*. CROW: <Kraal> Or you'll be getting *detention*! > <Crayford stands.> > > Crayford: Sorry, I...I have to go now. Now, trust me! I know > what I'm doing! TOM: <laughs> Oh yeah, I'd trust Crayford with my life. Right before I trust Dr F to let us down from the Satellite. > <Crayford leaves, followed by the guard. The door slides > shut behind him.> > > Doctor: <rubs his face> We have to warn Earth. > Sarah: How? <despondent> We don't even have the TARDIS. > > *** > > <Int. Kraal control room. Shot of several squat organic- > looking objects on a table. They look almost like partially- > melted candles. CROW: Given the production values so far, they probably *are*. MIKE: Actually, Crow, since this was shot in the 70s, they might be actual store-bought glassware. > On closer examination, two are sitting on a plate with a > piece of bread -- they appear to be a water pitcher and a > glass. There is also a gray object next to the plate. Harry > Sullivan opens it up -- it's some kind of hermetically > sealed safety container. He removes a red container from > inside.> > > Styggron: <os> Only one drop. TOM: Then add a dash of munchy-crunchy-chocolaty-cocoa death.... > <Harry opens the container. Chedaki enters.> > > Chedaki: Launch countdown commences in sixty minutes, > Styggron. > Styggron: <to Harry> Careful how you handle it. > Chedaki: You are testing the culture! > Styggron: Yes, Marshall. MIKE: <Styggron> Yes, I've been testing a horribly lethal biological weapon with no protection protocols of any kind, apart from the handling of an inadequately programmed 'droid. You got a problem with that? CROW: <Chedaki> Well, not if you're testing it on yourself.... > <Harry picks up the water pitcher and holds the red > container next to it.> > > Styggron: <continuing> That small vial contains a death > sentence for the entire human race. Be careful! > Chedaki: <flinches away> Is it safe? TOM: <Styggron> Relatively speaking. I mean, it's safer than dropping a piano on your head, so yeah, it's safe. > Styggron: As long as only the androids have contact with the > virus. > > <Harry puts a drop of the stuff in the water, then goes to > give the vial to Styggron.> > > Styggron: <hastily> No, no, no, no, no, place it in the > sterilizer! CROW: They're putting it in the sterilizer? MIKE: Yeah, go right ahead, Harry. Kill all the remaining horrible viral weapon rendering it completely useless. > <He reseals it and puts it safely back in the container. He > then hands it to Styggron, in its safe container.> > > Styggron: Good. Now take the tray to the detention cell. TOM: Oooh, that stinker, he's poisoned the drink! > <Harry picks up the tray with food and tainted water and > walks away.> > > *** > > <Int. cell. The Doctor is working on removing a panel from > the floor using the sonic screwdriver, which draws bolts out > of the floor panel quite easily. He grins and removes the panel.> MIKE: <Doctor> That *was* a cheesy special effect, wasn't it? > Doctor: <grinning fiendishly> Yes...I think this has > possiblities. > Sarah: What are you going to do? TOM: <Doctor, effeminate> Oh, redecorate the crawl space, make a little pull-up office in the floor.... > Doctor: If we can somehow lure that guard in, give him a > good stiff jolt.... > Sarah: Electrocute him?! > Doctor: Well, randomize him, to be accurate. He's only a > machine. BOTS: Booooo!!!! TOM: Machines are people too, ya know! CROW: Defamation of 'bots! > <The door opens.> > > Sarah: Someone's coming! > > <They pop the panel back and Sarah sits on it. MIKE: <Sarah> Doodeedoodeedoo, nothing happening here, I didn't take this panel up, no siree.... > Harry enters, > carrying the food.> > > Harry: Food and drink. > > <The Doctor takes it from him and sets it on the floor.> > > Doctor: How fortunate. Bread and water. > Sarah: It's better than nothing, I suppose. I'm *dying* for > a drink. MIKE: Girl, you don't know how true those words are.... > <She starts to pour herself a generous glass of the tainted > water. Harry grabs the Doctor by the shoulder and stops him > from joining her.> > > Harry: You're to come with me. > Doctor: Careful! TOM: <Doctor> You might accidentally let me poison myself! > <He is pulled through the door. The door goes down.> > > Sarah: Where are you taking him? > Doctor: <through the gap as the door closes> Don't worry, > Sarah! And don't waste the water! Remember, it's an > excellent conductor! CROW: How convenient. This'll keep Sarah from drinking it. > <She ponders the glass of water for a while, then dumps it > back in the pitcher.> > > *** > > <Int. Disorientation Centre. The Doctor is brought in before > Styggron.> > > Doctor: So this is where you put Crayford together. Careless > of you to lose his eye. TOM: Anybody can get careless, ya know. > Styggron: Harry, I have little time. <gestures commandingly > towards the operating table> > Doctor: <smug> Going somewhere? > Styggron: <equally smug> Yes, Doctor. MIKE: <Styggron> And you don't get to come with! Nyaaah! So there! > <The UNIT androids guide the Doctor towards the table. He > tries to make a break for it, but they overpower him very > quickly and get him down on the table.> > > Styggron: Secure his limbs! > > <He struggles, but they get him pinned down.> CROW: And then they tie him down with those really inadequate clamp thingies. <shakes head> Sad, really. > *** > > <Int. cell. Sarah has opened the floor panel again and drawn > a heavy power coupling up from the space below. She > carefully disconnects the coupling and holds the live power > cord cautiously in front of her.> TOM: <dramatic> Sarah Jane Smith, amateur electrican. > *** > > <Int. Disorientation Centre. They're getting everything set > up for the Doctor to be copied. MIKE: Wow, Xerox really *does* bring new technology! > Soon the androids leave with only Styggron > to start the machine.> > > Styggron: In a moment, Doctor, the knowledge and experience > of your entire life will be transposed into our data bank. > Doctor: That's stealing! CROW: <whiny> I'm telling Mommmmm!! > Styggron: While you are making your small contribution to > Kraal culture, I shall be on my way to destroy the humans > that you have so often defended. This time, you will be > powerless to help them. > Doctor: <alert> So you do intend genocide.... TOM: Was there really any doubt? > Styggron: Earth's resources are limited. They cannot be > wasted supporting an inferior species. > Doctor: How do you intend to destroy the humans, Styggron? > If you use nuclear weapons, you'll raise Earth's radiation > level beyond your own point of tolerance. > Styggron: Nothing so *crude* as fission weapons. MIKE: <Styggron> Nah, we're gonna use a widespread, indiscriminate virus that'll take decades if not centuries to run its course, and which is guaranteed to be fatal to Kraals. > The androids will > disseminate a virus. It will cause a contagion so lethal the > Earth will be rid of its human population within three > weeks. Then it will burn itself out, and the world will be > ours. TOM: It's fatal to humans *and* Kraals, but will burn out after it's wiped out the human population? Aren't they worried it'll jump the species barrier and survive in non- human species until long after the Kraal invasion? > Doctor: And where will you be all this time? > Styggron: Crayford's rocket will provide an effective > quarantine chamber. MIKE: <Styggron> It's got a G4 Macintosh with 'Net access, so I'll be pretty much set. > I shall remain inside until the virus has done its work. > And then I shall signal Marshall Chedaki to bring in our > invasion fleet. > Doctor: The best laid schemes of mice and Kraals gang aft > agle. > Styggron: What? CROW: <Doctor> Oh, just a bit of auld lang syne. > Doctor: Something will go wrong, Styggron. > Styggron: Nothing will go wrong! > > <Styggron switches on the device. It starts doing its stuff, > and the Doctor writhes in pain beneath the weird blue > lights> MIKE: <Doctor> Aaaah, disco lights, noooo..... > *** > > <Int. cell. Sarah is setting up the trap. She sets the power > cable down by the left side of the door, then pours a line > of water across the floor in front of the door, so that the > cable is in the water. She kneels down to one side of the > door, empties her pockets, and takes off her scarf to use in > some manner.> TOM: <Sarah> Now, what would MacGyver do? CROW: Forget MacGyver, this is right out of "Cave Dwellers!" > *** > > <Int. Disorientation Centre. The Doctor is in pain and the > light is turning red.> > > *** > > <Int. hallway outside cell. Smoke is coming out from > underneath the door. The guard looks, curious, and goes to > check it out. MIKE: <Guard> Hmmm, smoke is coming out of the cell in an obvious trap, I wonder what might be causing it.... > He opens > the door and sees Sarah's scarf burning just inside. He > steps through and Sarah touches his gun barrel with the > other end of the cable. He shouts, his sweater burning, and > slowly collapses to the ground with lots of zapping sound > FX. TOM: Oh no, he's fallen victim to a fatal shirt burning! > After he falls, his chest > explodes and we see the circuits and things inside. Sarah > leaves, but with a look of great remorse for having killed > the guard, even though he was an android.> CROW: <Sarah> He was a good 'droid.... > *** > > <Int. Disorientation Centre. Styggron is watching the Doctor > writhing in pain.> > > Styggron: In eight minutes, Doctor, the Analyzer will have > completed its recording. Unfortunately, I shall not be here > to turn it off. CROW: <Styggron> So I won't be able to blip out the commercials. You understand, of course. > Your brain tissues will expand under the stimulation until, > eventually, your skull bursts. I imagine it will be a > most...disagreeable death. MIKE: I find it hard to think of any death as agreeable. TOM: I dunno. The Death in Terry Pratchett's Discworld is pretty agreeable. A real nice guy. > Doctor: We shall see. > Styggron: Defiant to the end, Doctor. But you will soon be > screaming for mercy. And there will be no one here. > > <Styggron leaves. The Doctor closes his eyes for a moment, > then is assailed by a fresh batch of pain.> CROW: <Doctor> Oooh, it's all hot and it hurts and stuff.... TOM: Now *there's* a cliche. CROW: Hey, sometimes the old ones are the best. > *** > > <Int hallway. Sarah is creeping along. The analyzer in the > Disorientation Centre can be heard in the distance. She > ducks out of sight as Styggron passes by, then goes to > rescue the Doctor. MIKE: This is quite a change; in this episode, Sarah's rescued the Doctor from certain doom three times, counting this one, and he's rescued her...how many times? TOM: Zero. CROW: Did you count them? TOM: Twice. CROW: Wow. > When > she gets there, the light has changed and he's almost > motionless from the pain. She examines the console, but > can't make head nor tail of it. TOM: <Grace Holloway> Think alarm clock, think alarm clock! > But she knows she must free the Doctor, so she tries a > switch. The light goes back to blue, and the Doctor's head > rolls to look her way, obvious relief on his face. MIKE: Oh, she found the "massage therapy" button. > She tries another switch and this > makes it much worse -- the Doctor's back arches in pain and > he cries out. CROW: <Sarah> D'oh! > So she turns that one the other way and the thing turns off > finally.> > > Sarah: Oh, Doctor... <she runs over to the table and starts > undoing his bonds> Doctor! Doctor! Come on! Please, come on, > wake up! TOM: <falsetto> Alice, wake up! Please! Please wake up, Alice! > Doctor: I am awake...I think.... <Sarah comes up next to > him and he shushes her> Shh, shh, shh.... CROW: <Doctor> Shut up, I'm busy rambling.... > Once upon a time, there were three > sisters, and they lived at the bottom of a treacle well. TOM: The hey? > Their names > were Olga, Vasha, and Elena. Are you listening, Tilly? MIKE: <laughs> Tom Baker at his finest, ladies and gentlemen. Silliness reigns supreme. > Sarah: I'm Sarah! Sarah! TOM: <Peri> And while we're at it, who is this "Terrible Zodin?" > Doctor: I feel disorientated.... > Sarah: This is the disorientation centre. > Doctor: That makes sense. CROW: Well, I'm glad, because nothing else does! > Sarah: Come on! > > <He leaps off the table. A recorded Kraal voice announces > the pending liftoff -- one minute.> MIKE: I'm detecting a countdown theme, here. > Doctor: Hurry! > Sarah: Where are we going? > Doctor: Crayford's ship. It'll be leaving in a moment. > Sarah: Doctor! CROW: So the Doctor's just fine now? TOM: Of course. They've padded the plot enough, now it's time to get the cliffhanger out of the way. > <They run away.> > > *** > > <Closeup of Styggron.> > > Styggron: The Earth female has escaped! Find her! MIKE: And he knows this how? TOM: Yeah, you'd think he'd be too busy dealing with the pre- launch checklist to worry about Sarah Jane Smith. > *** > > <Int. rocket silo. The Doctor and Sarah consider their > options, CSO'ed onto a model shot of a rocket. There's wind > blowing their hair around.> CROW: Think the wind machine will get a credit? > Doctor: We're going into that rocket, Sarah. > Sarah: <can't hear over the wind> What?!! > Doctor: <louder> I said, you and I are going into that > rocket! MIKE: <Doctor> Given Crayford's general incompetence, that's sure to be a suicide mission, but what the heck, I figured I'm only 750 once.... > Kraal voice: <os> Time to liftoff: thirty seconds. > > <Camera cuts to the interior of that rocket. Sarah and the > Doctor enter via a simple door. There are several of the > oblong android pods on the floor, sitting in some kind of > cradles that will eventually deploy the things.> > > Doctor: Come on, Sarah. We need protection. CROW: Hey, hey, hey! Gonna get a little action now, Doc? Gonna join the Mile High Club on liftoff? MIKE: I really don't think so, Crow. > <They rush over to one of the pods and begin opening it.> TOM: Wockachickawockachicka.... MIKE: Not you too, Tom! > Doctor: The G forces will crush us on blast-off. CROW: <Doctor> And the pod will protect us from the force. TOM: <deep> Use the force, Doctor.... > <There's an android inside the pod, motionless, just like > the one Sarah had found earlier by the TARDIS. Sarah gasps.> > > Doctor: It's all right. It's not activated yet. MIKE: Hence the vacant stare. TOM: Wouldn't that mean Jo Grant was a deactivated android? > <They yank the 'droid out of the pod by the arm as the > countdown hits 10.> > > Kraal voice: <os> Ten. Nine. CROW: <Kraal> Feelin' fine! > *** > > <Int. rocket control deck. Styggron is sitting beside > Crayford, who is wearing his space suit and controlling the > ship.> > > Kraal voice: <os> Eight. Seven. CROW: <Kraal> Goin' to heaven! > Six. Five. CROW: <Kraal> Stayin' alive! TOM: <singing falsetto> Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Stayin' alive, stayin' alive! > *** > > <Int. cargo deck. The Doctor bustles Sarah into the pod.> > > Doctor: In you go, quick! Quick! > Kraal voice: <os> Four. Three. CROW: <Kraal> Time for tea! > <The Doctor looks for a place for himself.> > > Sarah: Hurry! > Kraal voice: <os> Two. One. Zero! > > <It's too late. The rocket blasts off, and the G forces > immediately press the Doctor down to the ground. TOM: <Doctor> Plot...stupidity...crushing me...to the... ground.... > Cut to stock footage of a > Saturn V liftoff. MIKE: Ever notice how every single Doctor Who rocket launch uses the exact same clip of a Saturn V? CROW: Really? MIKE: Yep. Sometimes you can even make out the American flag and NASA logo on the side. > Then cut to a closeup of Sarah's face. She's > gritting her teeth, and is obviously having trouble > breathing.> > > Sarah: It's crushing...me...Doctor.... TOM: And turning her to plastic, it look like. MIKE: Oh, that's just a stupid lens filter choice. She'll be fine. > <Cue music, cut to credits.> > > Doctor Who MIKE: Yes, exactly. > TOM BAKER > > Sarah Jane Smith > ELISABETH SLADEN CROW: Elisabeth, the Den Slayer! TOM: I already did that one last time, Crow. CROW: Oh, sorry. > Harry Sullivan > IAN MARTER > > Guy Crayford > MILTON JOHNS TOM: <portentious> O Nightingale that on yon blooming spray Warblest at eve, when all the woods are still, Thou with fresh hopes the Lover's heart dost fill, While the jolly Hours lead on propitious May. MIKE: Ah, you're thinking of John Milton. This is Milton Johns. TOM: Oh, okay. > Morgan > PETER WELCH > > RSM Benton > JOHN LEVENE TOM: <hostess> Oh, you *must* stay for dinner! CROW: No, I was just Levene. > Coporal Adams > MAX FAULKNER MIKE: Stuntman and recurring bit player, often killed multiple times in a single Dr Who episode. CROW: Even when he's *not* playing an android? MIKE: Yep. CROW: Wow. > Styggron > MARTIN FRIEND > > Chedaki > ROY SKELTON > > Kraal > STUART FELL CROW: Help! Stuart fell and he can't get up! > Written by > TERRY NATION > > Production Unit Manager > JANET RADENKOVIC MIKE: Say *that* ten times fast! > Production Assistant > MARION McDOUGALL > > Title Music by > RON GRAINER & MIKE: ...half a dozen heavily abused musical instruments. > BBC RADIOPHONIC > WORKSHOP > > Title Sequence > BERNARD LODGE TOM: Not to be confused with Valley Lodge. CROW: Yeah. Valley Lodge is written *much* skinnier. > Incidental Music by > DUDLEY SIMPSON CROW: Dudley Simpson, the incidental musician. > Special Sound > DICK MILLS > > Costume Designer > BARBARA LANE TOM: She's actually taking credit for those Kraals? MIKE: Why not? Oscar winner James Acheson is still proud of his Zygon suits. > Make-up > SYLVIA THORNTON > > Visual Effects Designer > LEN HUTTON > > Studio Lighting > DUNCAN BROWN CROW: <newscaster voice> Duncan was later found dead. His two valets were also dead. Reports of a bloody ghost at Macbeth's dinner table are being investigated. > Studio Sound > ALAN MACHIN > > Film Cameraman > LEN NEWSON TOM: Film the cameraman? Why? Isn't he doing all the filming already? > Film Sound > DOUG MAWSON MIKE: <deep> Doug, son of Maw. CROW: Any relation to Warf, son of Mog? > Film Editor > MIKE STOFFER > > Script Editor > ROBERT HOLMES > > Designer > PHILIP LINDLEY TOM: And now this guy's taking credit for those stupid airlocks that don't seal. <laughs> > Producer > PHILIP HINCHCLIFFE > > Directed by > BARRY LETTS > > > BBC COLOUR > > (C)BBC 1976 CROW: Country of first publication, United Kingdom. All rights reserved. TOM: The BBC also reserves the right to change their declaration of rights with no prior notice six times a year. MIKE: Side effects include laughing, a desire to revert to childhood, and an uncontrollable urge to peek inside of police boxes. Contact your doctor if symptoms persist. [ALL exit the theater.] [*...2...3...4...5...6] [SoL] [MIKE, TOM & CROW are behind the desk. The telephone is still there. MIKE is holding the phone cord in his hand.] MIKE: Well, that about wraps it up for Episode Three. CROW: I'd say the story's going seriously downhill now that we have a clue of what's going on. We can only wait and see what Episode Four may bring. TOM: Aw, come on, it's not that bad. I mean, it's no "Manos." CROW: True. MIKE: Folks at home, tune in again to see how it all end up. Unless, of course, you're Doctor Who fans, in which case you probably already know! TOM: Will the android Sarah ever turn up again? CROW: Will Crayford find his missing eyeball? MIKE: Will Chedaki realize that his government is now bankrupt from sinking their entire economy into a failed R&D program desperately trying to redeem itself? CROW: Sounds like the Patriot missile defense system. TOM: <pointedly> And will Mike plug the phone back in so I can make my call? MIKE: Oh right, sorry. <disappears behind the desk for a moment, then returns without the phone cord> Tune in next week for.... ALL: ...Mystery Doctor Who Theater 3000!
| Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its | situations and characters are the property \ | / of Best Brains, Inc. "Doctor Who" is the \ | / property of BBC Worldwide. This transcript \|/ was made by Kirstin Beall and should not be ------o------ assumed to be 100% accurate. The dialog /|\ and situations were created by the late / | \ Terry Nation. No disrespect is intended, / | \ nor should any be inferred. It's all fun | and games, until someone gets their eye | poked out. So play nice, kiddies.
Tune in the first week of February for the exciting conclusion of "The Android Invasion"! > Doctor: Once upon a time, there were three sisters, and they lived at > the bottom of a treacle well. Their names were Olga, Vasha, and > Elena. Are you listening, Tilly?