FANFIC FRIDAY: MST3K of “The Android Invasion”, Episode Four

And now, the stirring conclusion!

In case you missed last the previous episodes, here are the links to Episode One, Two, and Three.

[MUT3K theme]


[6...5...4...3...2...*]


[SoL]

[TOM and CROW are behind the desk today with a large structure
that vaguely resembles a crude android skeleton. They seem 
very excited about it.]

TOM: The work is nearly complete!
CROW: But we must not allow the human to see us or pry into
 our effort, or else!
TOM: Else what?
CROW: Else our plan to take over the world will not succeed!
TOM: Yes! We must not allow him to interfere, or our elaborate
 and cunning scheme to infiltrate UPN and force them to
 cancel "Voyager" will be undone!
CROW: We shall rule the airwaves!
TOM: Today network television. Tomorrow...the WORLD!!!

[MIKE saunters in. CROW spots him mid-sentence.]

CROW: Total domin...aaaah!
TOM: <looks up> Aaah!
MIKE: <completely unflustered> Hey, guys. Whatcha doing?
CROW: <hastily> Oh, nothing much, just chatting a bit,
 discussing the weather....
MIKE: Ah. <nods> Well, I'll leave you....
TOM: <interrupting with obviously false cheer> Yep, just
 passing the time, building androids....
CROW: <elbows TOM>
TOM: Ow! Um, *not* building androids, no siree, heh....
MIKE: Aha.

[MIKE finally notices the primitive 'droid superstructure]

MIKE: Hey, what's this?
CROW: Um....a coffee maker.
TOM: Yeah! That's right, a coffee maker! Annnnnnd...it makes
 its own biscotti too!
MIKE: Really?
TOM: Really.
MIKE: Gosh, well, I'd figured it was a prototype android for
 a pending effort to invade and conquer Earth, just like
 in "The Android Invasion."
TOM: Well, it isn't.
CROW: Nope.
TOM: Uh uh. No world-invading 'bots or life-vanquishing virii
 on board *this* little Satellite of Love, no siree!

[MIKE chuckles fondly.]

MIKE: <to Cambot> These two. Always plotting universal
 domination in one way or another.
TOM: Well...okay, so it is an android.
CROW: And *maybe* we planned to invade Earth with it.
MIKE: Y'know, that reminds me. We still have to watch Episode
 Four of "The Android Invasion."

[Right on cue, MOVIE SIGN light begins to flash.]

TOM: Oh, you *had* to go and remind him, didn't you, Crow?
CROW: I guess we'll be invading after the show, because we've
 got....
ALL: ...Doctor Who Sign!!!!


[*...2...3...4...5...6]


[ALL enter and sit.]

>[Slit-scan corridor effect starts. Cue theme.]
>
> THE ANDROID INVASION
> by Terry Nation
>
> Part Four
>
> <Recap from last episode: Int. rocket silo.

TOM: The rocket's lifting off from a silo? What, is it an
 ICBM?
CROW: Heh, maybe the aliens are really from North Dakota.

> The Doctor and Sarah
> consider their options, CSO'ed onto a model shot of a rocket.
> There's wind blowing their hair around.>

MIKE: Oh no, the guy running the wind machine has gone mad!

> Doctor: We're going into that rocket, Sarah.
> Sarah: <can't hear over the wind> What?!!
> Doctor: <louder> I said, you and I are going into that
> rocket!
> Kraal voice: <os> Time to liftoff: thirty seconds.

TOM: <Kraal> Time to soiled shorts: thirty-five seconds.
CROW: Ew.

> <Camera cuts to the interior of that rocket. Sarah and the
> Doctor enter via a simple door. There are several of the
> oblong android pods on the floor.>
>
> Doctor: Come on, Sarah. We need protection.
>
> <They rush over to one of the pods and begin opening it.>
>
> Doctor: The G forces will crush us on blast-off.

CROW: Why, are they blasting off at warp speed or something?

> <There's an android inside the pod, motionless, just like
> the one Sarah had found earlier by the TARDIS. Sarah gasps.>
>
> Doctor: It's all right. It's not activated yet.

MIKE: How does he know that?
TOM: Oh, the android comes with a little label that says,
 "Batteries not included."

> <They yank the 'droid out of the pod by the arm as the
> countdown hits 10.>
>
> Kraal voice: <os> Ten. Nine.
>
> ***
>
> <Int. rocket control deck. Styggron is sitting beside
> Crayford, who is wearing his space suit and controlling the
> ship.>

ALL: <snigger>
CROW: The idea of this dumb sap successfully piloting a space
 ship through a wormhole to Earth is just too silly for words.

> Kraal voice: <os> Eight. Seven. Six. Five.
>
> ***
>
> <Int. cargo deck. The Doctor bustles Sarah into the pod.>
>
> Doctor: In you go, quick! Quick!
> Kraal voice: <os> Four. Three.
>
> <The Doctor looks for a place for himself.>

MIKE: <Doctor> Now, where will I spend the flight...hmmm.....

> Sarah: Hurry!
> Kraal voice: <os> Two. One. Zero!
>
> <It's too late. The rocket blasts off, and the G forces
> immediately press the Doctor down to the ground. Cut to
> stock footage of a Saturn V liftoff. Then cut to a closeup
> of Sarah's face. She's gritting her teeth, and is obviously
> having trouble breathing.>

CROW: Today's episode of "Doctor Who" is brought to you by
 Nyquil, so you can breathe easily while you sleep!

> Sarah: It's crushing...me...Doctor....
>
> ***

MIKE: <deep> And now...the conclusion.

> <Stock footage of a rocket rising into the sky. Camera cuts
> away about half a second after keen-eyed viewers can spot
> the beginnings of a stage separation.>

ALL: Ooooh! Ahhhh! Ohhhh! Pretty!

> ***
>
> <Int. rocket, pod bay. Camera is close on Sarah's face. She
> is unconscious. A hand waves in front of her face, but she
> does not react until the hand tickles her nose.

TOM: Ahhh...ahhh.....aaahhhh.....CHOOOOOO!!!!!
MIKE: Geseundheit.

> Camera pulls back as she wakes
> up, and we see that it's the Doctor.>
>
> Doctor: We're on the way. <chuckles for no reason>

TOM: Huh. The atmosphere in the space ship must be giving him
 nitrogen narcosis or something.
CROW: <suave> We've replaced the atmosphere on board the ship
 with nitrous oxide. Let's see if they notice.

> Sarah: <sitting up> ...must've...blacked out.
> Doctor: Yes, you did. The G-force cut the blood supply to
> what you humans laughingly call your higher centers.

MIKE: Hey! I *like* my higher centers, thank you very much!

> <In the background, a pod begins to open. Camera cuts to the
> side of the pod and we see a Doctor duplicate peer out. It
> looks around, then closes the lid of the pod again.>

TOM: DA-DA-DUM!!!!!

> Sarah: <os> Ha ha. I hate sarcasm, especially when I'm
> dying.

CROW: Yeah, well, I hate half-baked dramatic irony. Deal with
 it.

> <Camera cuts back to the Doctor and Sarah.>
>
> Sarah: I feel as though I've been through a <unintelligible>

CROW: Huh? What'd she say?
MIKE: No idea.

> Doctor: It's a gentle massage compared to what's ahead.
> Sarah: <annoyed> Oh, no, don't tell me, I don't want to
> know!
> Doctor: <gets up to walk around the pod bay> Yes you do.
> Just before Crayford puts this ship into re-entry orbit,
> these containers will be shot out like pips from a lemon.

TOM: Ptooi!

> Sarah: How?
> Doctor: Through the cargo shuttle ejectors. And we'll be in
> them.

CROW: In the ejectors or the pods? You've *got* to be clear
 here, Doc.

> Sarah: Oh.
> Doctor: Ask me why.

ALL: <Animaniacs voices> Whyyyy?

> Sarah: Why?
> Doctor: Because they'll reach Earth before the ship. There's
> no other way we can reach the defense station.

ALL: <Animaniacs voices> Whyyyy?

> Sarah: And what are we going to use for air?
> Doctor: Oh, there'll be enough to last the few minutes in
> space. I'm more concerned about the efficiency of these
> retro tubes. <examines the holes at one end of a pod>

BOTS: <Animaniacs voices> Whyyyy?
MIKE: Okay, that's enough, guys.

> Sarah: Why, don't they work?
> Doctor: Oh, I imagine they'll work well enough for the
> androids to survive impact, but we could be in for a nasty
> jolt.

CROW: Nah, I prefer Surge.

> Sarah: So, providing we don't burn up on reentry, and aren't
> suffocated on the way down, we'll probably be smashed to a
> pulp when we land. Doctor: Exactly!

TOM: <Doctor> Isn't it *exciting*?!

> <Sarah makes a worried noise.>
>
> Doctor: Sarah, you've put your finger on the one *tiny* flaw
> in our plan.
> Sarah: *Our* plan! It's *your* plan!

MIKE: <sings> This plan is your plan, it is not my plan....

> Doctor: Well, I'm open to suggestions if you've got a better
> idea.
> Sarah: <resigned> How long before we start all this?
> Doctor: <looks worried - we hear a whining noise start>

CROW: Oh, that'll be the science advisors standing off camera.

> Quite soon.
> They're beaming us through the space-time warp now.

ALL: Do the Time Warp!!!

> ***
>
> <Int. Space Command Centre -- the real one. We're in a
> rather spartan Mission Control, complete with a global map
> showing a projected orbital path.

MIKE: Oh, they're tracking the Mir.
TOM: Yeah, Rosaviacosmos contracted out to the BBC when
 Yeltsin yanked their funding.

> There are three computers with reel-to-reel
> data storage. Several scientists and other assorted
> personnel are in the room, including a black woman who
> appears to be in charge of getting a fix on Crayford's
> ship.>
>
> Grierson: Bearing 1-4-3.
> Tessa: I've got him! <she flicks a few switches on her
> console>

CROW: Wow, token female *and* token minority!
TOM: Oh, come on, Crow, this is light years ahead of NASA at
 the time.

> Matthews: There he is! <points excitedly at the large map
> screen>
> Grierson: Contact.

MIKE: <Grierson> I've lost my contact. Can anybody help me
 find it?

> <We get a look at another map screen, with Cornwall and
> southern Wales visible. A bright point of light over Cardiff
> Bay is visible, pinpointing Crayford's location.>

TOM: Oh, that's just where the Hubble reentered after
 *somebody* tried driving the Satellite of Love.
MIKE: I said I was sorry! Geez....

> Grierson: Confirmed. <sounding relieved> Well done, Tessa.
> <picks up a telephone>

CROW: <Grierson> Hello, Pizza Hut? I'd like to order a couple
 of those "Big New Yorker" pizzas, please.

> <In the background, Tessa and Matthews are chatting happily
> about how nicely the contact is matching the predicted
> flight path and generally congratulating one another.
> Grierson gets on the phone.>
>
> Grierson: <happy, into phone> Colonel Faraday? Ah, hello
> sir, this is the scanner room.

MIKE: <Grierson> What do you want on your pizza, sir?

> We've picked up Crayford's ship, sir. <pause> Yes,
> absolutely on the button! <pause> Right, sir! <hangs up
> phone and speaks to his colleagues> The old man's coming
> down.

CROW: "The old man"? What, is Santa coming to visit?
TOM: <sings> You'd better watch out, you'd better not pout
 You'd better not shout, I'm telling you why
 Colonel Faraday's coming right down!

> ***
>
> <Int. Space Defense Centre -- main entrance. There are
> people here now, going about their ordinary business. The
> automatic doors slide open and RSM Benton walks in. He meets
> Lt Surgeon Harry Sullivan.>

MIKE: Ooooh, and with titles and everything.
'BOTS: Oooooooh.

> Benton: Well, we've searched the area for them, made
> enquiries in the village. No sign of the Doctor or Miss
> Smith anywhere.
> Harry: Well, he'll turn up when he feels like it, I'm sure
> there's
> nothing to worry about.

TOM: Um, Harry, you did travel with the Doctor for a whole
 season. You might want to rethink that positive attitude.

> Benton: Yes, I just hope you're right.
> Harry: <cheery> You're a pessimist, Benton! What could
> possibly happen to the Doctor in Devesham Woods?

CROW: He could be eaten by creatures.
TOM: Or attacked by a Cyber-army.
MIKE: Or distracted by a pretty butterfly.

> Benton: <unconvinced> It's just that I've never known him
> leave the TARDIS with the key in it before.

TOM: <Harry> Oh, don't worry, old chap. It's totally illogical
 that he'd do such a mind-numbingly stupid thing, so I'm sure
 he's all right.

> <Colonel Faraday strides into the entryway.>

CROW: <Graham Chapman as Colonel> Stop that, stop that, it's
 too silly!

> Faraday: Come along, men! <walks up to Benton and Harry,
> elated>
> Crayford's just been spotted on the scanners.
> Harry: Well that's great, sir!

MIKE: <Harry> ...but what was he doing climbing on the
 scanners?

> <Harry and Benton follow Faraday into another part of the
> complex.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. Space Command mission control. Matthew's is speaking
> into a radio on the console. Matthew's is wearing a red
> shirt, incidentally.>

TOM: Hey, he's got a red shirt! I bet he's the first to die!
CROW: No, he can't be. He's got a name and everything.
TOM: Yes, but nobody's called him by that name yet, so he
 might as well be nameless. Heck, if we didn't have this
 transcript, we still wouldn't know who he was.
CROW: You have a point there.

> Matthews: Hello, XK-5, hello, XK-5, this is Devesham Control
> calling XK-5, do you read me, do you read me?

MIKE: <as through a radio> Ah, Devesham, we've had a problem.
TOM: Oh, you had to go and quote Apollo 13, didn't you?
MIKE: It had to be done.

> <Matthews continues repeating the hail as Colonel Faraday,
> Sergeant Benton, and Harry Sullivan enter the room and start
> talking to the mission controller, who is clearly elated,
> and who, incidentally, is named Grierson.>

CROW: Thank you for sharing that with us, movie.

> Grierson: Right on course.
> Faraday: This is a moment for history, Grierson.

TOM: <chuckles> The moment Britain surpassed both the US and
 Russia with its manned interplanetary mission. <laughs>

> Grierson: <quite happy> Is that so?
> Harry: A two year journey....

MIKE: <Harry> ...must've been as boring as my years in med
 school....

> Faraday: He's been further into space than any other human
 being.
>
> <Harry glances sidelong at Faraday, then shares a long
> glance with Benton.

CROW: <British> Wink wink, nudge nudge, know what I mean?

> Meanwhile, the hail is still being repeated.>

TOM: Oh, I hope they all insured their cars against hail
 damage.

> Matthews: ...this is Devesham Control calling XK-5, do you
> read me, do you read me?

MIKE: <as if through a radio> No, but I do hear you....

> <He switches to receive, and this time he gets a signal.>
>
> Crayford: <on radio> Come in Mission Control, this is XK-5,
> I'm receiving you loud and clear.
> Matthews: Okay, XK-5, standby, standby.

TOM: <Crayford> Sure thing, sure thing.

> Grierson: <hands a mike to Faraday> Sir, would you care
> to....?

CROW: <Grierson> ...polish this for me?

> Faraday: <politely> Oh, yes, thank you. <takes the mike>
> Hello, Crayford? Colonel Farady here. I, ah....well, what
> can one say at a moment like this except, "Welcome home?"

MIKE: Well, "congratulations" might be a good start.

> Crayford: <on radio> Thank you, sir. Earth certainly looks
> pretty good from up here. I've had some problems....<his
> transmission becomes faint as interference builds up>
> Faraday: What's that? Reentry?

TOM: <Grierson> No, that's just an evil alien invasion force
 trying to kill us all. Nothing to worry about.

> Grierson: Not yet, sir.... <starts looking at controls
> trying to figure out what it is> There's something else
> coming in on the same path!
> Faraday: Something else?
> Grierson: <amazed> Yes, sir.... A fireball or something.
> It's broken into meteorites, look!
>
> <We see them on the screen, slowing moving in over Wales.>

CROW: Oh, that's just the Iridium satellites.

> ***
>
> <Int. rocket pod bay. We see a pod sitting in its launch
> cradle. There is a humming noise and it drops down through
> the floor to be launched.>

MIKE: <cutesy> Bye-bye, widdle android descent module!

> ***
>
> <Int. Space Command mission control. Tessa is monitoring the
> bogies.>

TOM: Ewww!
CROW: Why's she monitoring the boogers?
MIKE: "Bogies," Crow. They're UFOs.
CROW: Oh.

> Tessa: They're down to 17 thousand metres.
> Faraday: Never mind the meteorites.

TOM: <Faraday> Never mind they're on a direct collision
 course with Devesham. I wanna talk to the astronaut!

> Have we still got contact with
> the ship?
> Grierson: Just hit the upper atmosphere, sir. Looks like a
> perfect reentry path.

MIKE: And if communications are disrupted, they're getting
 this information *how*??!

> Matthews: He'll be back in the mess in time for late
> breakfast!
> Harry: No he won't, Matthews. Not after two years in space.

CROW: <Harry> The *last* thing he'll want is a decent meal
 after two years of drinking his own urine.
TOM: Ew, Crow, did you have to go and remind me of that?

> Matthews: That meteorite shower's really coming in!

MIKE: Better go put the covers on all the good patio funiture!

> Benton: Yes, but don't they usually burn up before they hit
> the Earth?
> Matthews: This lot's not going to. <looks at his
> instruments> There's something funny about them....

CROW: <Matthews> ...Carrot Top's on board!

> Faraday: Something funny?

MIKE: <Faraday> I *hate* Carrot Top!

> Matthews: I swear they're slowing down!

TOM: Ah, so they *did* have descent engines.

> ***
>
> <Ext. country outside Devesham. Four of the pods are CSO'd
> onto the shot, coming in for a rather unconvincing landing.

ALL: <snigger>

> Their retros fire
> offcamera and they come to Earth amid smoke and noise. When
> the smoke lifts, theere's a pod sitting there. It openes to
> reveal...the Doctor.

CROW: Android or real? Bets?

> He sits up, looking a bit rumpled from the ride. He gets
> out.>
> Doctor: Sarah? Sarah? No Sarah. <He looks around.> No Sarah.

CROW: It's the real Doctor. No android would talk to itself
 that much.
MIKE: Oh, like you two never do that.

> <He goes off looking for her.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. Space Command mission control. Closeup of Colonel
> Faraday with his mouth hanging open.

TOM: <chuckles> A natural state for him!

> He's watching the scanner. Benton is
> watching too. So is everybody. They're waiting for Crayford 
> to radio in. The static clears.>
>
> Crayford: <on radio> XK-5 to control.
> Harry: <relieved> He's through.

MIKE: <Harry> So there's no need to worry about the fleet of
 obviously piloted objects coming down on the same trajectory.

> Crayford: <on radio> This is XK-5 calling control.
> Tessa: Devesham Control to XK-5. We're locking on.
> Crayford: <on radio> Roger, Devesham.
> Tessa: Ignition minus 30, on my mark. Mark.
> Crayford: <on radio> Mark thirty.

CROW: Thrill to a landing with all the excitement of a real
 one!
TOM: In other words, a lot of standing around and waiting
 while not disturbing the folks who are concentrating very
 hard on doing their very boring jobs.

> <A video picture of Crayford in his suit at the helm of his
> ship. begins to show.>
>
> Crayford: <on radio> AGS reading 400 plus one.
> Tessa: Ten seconds to ignition. Mark.

TOM: ...Hamill.
MIKE: ...Platt.
CROW: ...Chapter One, verse six.

> Crayford: <on radio> I have ignition, Devesham. Starting
> descent.

TOM: *Starting* descent? So what's he been doing for the last
 half hour? Contemplating his navel?

> Matthews: Altitude 40 thousand metres. 39. 38000. Descent
> velocity 650 metres per second.
> Faraday: <to Harry> He'll be landing in a few minutes.
> Everything you need, Sullivan?
> Harry: <smiles> I've got the tools of the trade here, sir.
> <raises his briefcase>

MIKE: <Faraday> That's not your medical kit, Sullivan! That's
 my new Toshiba laptop!

> Grierson: You're looking good, Commander.
> Crayford: <on screen> Good from here too. Have you brought
> some champagne on ice down there?
>
> <Everybody smiles to each other; this is going amazingly
> smoothly.>

TOM: <ominous> A little *too* smoothly.

> ***
>
> <Ext. Devesham Woods. Sarah is working her way through the
> bracken.

CROW: Aaaah, the story's looped! We're back at Episode One!
MIKE: It's okay, Crow. It's just some really dumb parallel
 structure.

> She reaches the TARDIS, standing in a clearing not unlike
> the one on the Kraal homeworld. The key is still in the
> lock.>
>
> Sarah: Doctor?
>
> <She walks up to the TARDIS and calls inside.>

TOM: <Sarah> I know you're in there!

> Sarah: Doctor?
>
> <He's not there either, but she notices a pod sitting a
> little ways away. She hears a stick break and spins around
> to look back the way she came.

CROW: Jumpy, isn't she?
MIKE: Ah, better lay off the cappucino, Sarah.

> A hand taps her on the shoulder She spins back only to
> see...that it's the Doctor, looking strangly emotionless.

TOM: So, it's the android Doctor.

> After a
> moment, he smiles his toothsome smile. Sarah scowls at him
> for surprising her.>
>
> Sarah: Oh, don't do things like that!
> Doctor: I'm sorry. I had to be sure. You see, there's a
> replica of you around somewhere.

CROW: <Doctor> I'm looking for the replica, you see. Now get
 out of my way.

> Sarah: Well, my replica wouldn't be as glad to see you as I
> am.

TOM: Ooooh, look, dramatic irony!
ALL: Ooooooooh!

> <He smiles faintly.

MIKE: Because he's the android, yep.

> There is a noise like rocket thrusters and both
> Sarah and the Doctor look up.>
>
> Sarah: What's that?
> Doctor: The rocket is coming in to land.
> Sarah: Well, we've got to hurry if we're going to warn them!
> Doctor: It would suit our purposes more if no one was
> warned.

CROW: 'Cuz he's the replica. C'mon, we get it already!

> <We suddenly see that the Doctor has his hand in his jacket,
> a la Napoleon, and the pod behind him is opening. Sarah sits
> up inside -- another android.>
>
> Sarah: <gasps> You're not the real Doctor....

TOM: We have a winner! I repeat, we have a winner!

> <He goes to grab her, but is too slow. She runs off into the
> forest.

CROW: Man, these 'droids are slow! Do the Kraals *seriously*
 think they
 can take over Centerville, Minnesota, let alone the world?

> The android Sarah gets out of the pod and joins the android
> Doctor.>
>
> Android Doctor: Come. We have much to do.
>
> <They head off into the woods, not following Sarah.>

MIKE: <Android Doctor> We'll just let her go off and foil the
 evil plan. It's no concern of ours.
TOM: Taking the division of beaurocratic labor to its logical
 extreme!
CROW: Folks, take note: this is what happens when your planet
 is run by a single defense contractor.

> ***
>
> <Int. Mission Control.>
>
> Grierson: You are cleared for landing, XK-5.

MIKE: Y'mean he wasn't cleared *before* he commited himself to
 the descent? Wow.

> Crayford: <on screen> Roger. Coming down now.
> Tessa: Coming down 19...500...at 17...400 metres...250...
> 200....
> Matthews: Slight drift to right.
> Crayford: <on screen> Correcting three forwards, three
> forwards.
>
> <We hear some engine noise as Crayford executes the
> maneuver. It sounds exactly like an airliner turbofan.>

ALL: <chuckle>
TOM: If you've got an audio clip, ya might as well use it!

> Crayford: <on screen> Easy...easy....
> Matthews: Docking contact.
> Crayford: <on screen> Sentencing command override off,
> engine off....
> That's it, boys,

MIKE: ...and girls! Don't forget about the woman who guided
 your ship to Earth!

> crack the bubbly!

TOM: Hey, leave my head out of this!

> Grierson: <to Faraday, with great relief> The XK-5 has
> landed, sir!
> Faraday: Well done! Well done! Come along, Sullivan, we'll
> go on board!
>
> <Everybody breaks out of their tension as the officers leave
> and the Matthews starts offering coffee.>

CROW: First they talk about alcohol, now they talk about
 coffee. So which is it? Depressants or stimulants?

> Matthews: Coffee anybody?
> Nameless Guy: Make mine black!

MIKE: <Nameless Guy> And that's my only line!

> Matthews: <to woman> How about you, Tessa?
> Tessa: Yes, please.

TOM: <Matthews> One lump or two?
MIKE: <Tessa> One, please.
TOM: <Matthews> Sugar?
MIKE: <Tessa> No thanks.
CROW: Huh?
TOM: Oh, it's from "Shada."

> Grierson: <into mike> Commander Crayford?
>
> <Camera switches to inside the rocket, where Crayford sits
> taking his suit off in front of a CSO screen used to insert
> a cheap photo of some control panels.>

CROW: <chuckles> They were too cheap to build a set. Amazing.

> Grierson: <on radio> Colonel Faraday and the MO are on their
> way up now, sir.
> Crayford: Thanks! I'll be waiting.
>
> <As Crayford smiles happily, Styggron steps into the frame.
> There is dramtic music.>

TOM: Awful roomy for a space capsule, ain't it?

> ***
>
> <Int. Space Defense Centre, main entrance. The Doctor walks
> in and stops in front of a UNIT guard -- as it happens, it's
> Corporal Adams.>

MIKE: What, don't any of the other UNIT soldiers get lines
 ever?
CROW: Benton did.
MIKE: Well, besides him.

> Doctor: Excuse me, can you tell me where I could find the
> commanding officer?
> Cpl Adams: Yes sir, he's in the scanner room.
> Doctor: Thank you. <starts to leave>
> Cpl Adams: <stops him> Excuse me, sir, could I see your
> pass?

TOM: Wow, the real version of the space defense center has
 actual *security*!!!
CROW: Neat!

> <The Doctor begins excavating his pockets until he finds it.
> Adams looks it over.>
>
> Cpl Adams: Yes, that's all right, thank you.
>
> <He hands it back. The Doctor takes it, then does a double-
> take as
> he realizes it's Cpl Adams -- presumably the real one this
> time.>

MIKE: He only noticed *now*?

> Doctor: Is this the first time you've seen me today?
> Cpl Adams: <surprised> Yes, sir.

TOM: <Cpl Adams> Well, unless you count the time you saw me
 on the alien planet...oops. Heh.

> Doctor: <dead serious> Good. Now, if you do see me again, I
> want you to report it to me immediately.

MIKE: <Doctor> Keep me constantly apprised as to my
 whereabouts.
CROW: The sad results of Gallifreyan Alzheimer's Disease,
 folks.

> I'll be with the CO in the scanner room.
>
> <He departs, leaving Adams very perplexed.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. Mission Control/scanner room. Grierson and Benton are
> there, and Benton is on the phone.>

TOM: <Benton> I'll have a large pepperoni with hand-tossed
 crust. And an order of crazy bread.

> Benton: Yes, yes. Make it 8 o'clock outside the Chinese
> takeaway. And don't be late! <hangs up>
> Grierson: <chuckles> You got her well trained.

MIKE: Give a big hand for Sergeant "Pavlov" Benton, folks!

> Benton: Yes, well to be honest with you it's my kid sister.
> I'm taking her to a dance at the Palais tonight.
>
> <The Doctor sweeps into the room.>

CROW: Then he mops into the room.

> Benton: Doctor! Where've you been? We've been looking....
> Doctor: <intense> Where's Harry?
> Benton: Mr Sullivan? He's gone up to the rocket with
> Colonel Faraday.
> Doctor: Call him down.

MIKE: <Doctor> You *fool*! He's supposed to be with *Gilbert*!
TOM: Hey, you used the "Gilbert and Sullivan" gag last time,
 Mike.
MIKE: Oh.

> Grierson: I can't do that, sir!

CROW: <Grierson> I'm an incompetant mission control director!
MIKE: <chuckles> He's prime NASA material, then!
TOM: Hey, don't diss NASA, man.

> Doctor: Call him down!
> Benton: Better do as he says.
>
> <Grierson moves to the microphone.>
>
> Grierson: Hello?

CROW: <Grierson> Hello? Testing, 1-2-3. Is this thing on?

> <The Doctor takes the mike away.>

TOM: <Doctor> Oh, give me that.

> Doctor: Harry? Harry? Can you hear me?
> Harry: <os> Hello, Doctor, is that you?
> Doctor: Yes it is. Don't go into that rocket!

MIKE: <ominous> *Don't* go into the rocket!

> Faraday: I don't understand! What the dickens is going on?

CROW: David Copperfield and Pip are holding Mr Fezziwick
 hostage!

> Doctor: Just trust me, Colonel! if you go into that rocket,
> your lives will be in deadly danger.

TOM: <Doctor> Yahoo Serious is up there.

> Faraday: <os-scoffs> Chap's insane.
> Harry: <os-quiet> I think we ought to do as he says,
> Colonel.
> Doctor: Harry, bring the lift down.

MIKE: <Harry> Okay. <ahem> Lift, you're stupid, you're ugly,
 and nobody likes you anyway.

> I'll explain it all then.
> Faraday: <os> Very well, Doctor, but the explanation had
> better be good!
>
> <Pause. Grierson watches the console.>
>
> Grierson: The lift's started down again, sir.
>
> <Matthews enters the room again.>
>
> Matthews: Mr Benton?
> Benton: Yes?
> Matthews: Could you spare a minute, please?

CROW: <Matthews> I need change for an hour.

> <They leave together.>

TOM: Saaaaay....
MIKE: No.

> Doctor: <to Grierson> What controls the angle of your radar
> dish?
> Grierson: <pointing> This one here, sir.
> Doctor: Give me a pen.
>
> <He does and the Doctor begins sketching on a notepad.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. hallway of space defense centre. Cpl Adams bursts
> through a door, looking very angry.>

CROW: <Marvin> Verrrry angry, indeed!

> Cpl Adams: *What* is going on here?
>
> <Matthews comes up behind him from the other side of the
> door and clobbers Adams on the back with both his hands
> locked together.

TOM: Man, if it's this easy to take out a well-trained UNIT
 soldier....

> Adams goes down, falling unconscious on top of the
> unconscious Benton. Another Benton walks up next to the
> android Matthews.>

ALL: <dramatic chord> DA-DUM!!!!!

> Android Benton: Have them taken away.
>
> ***
>
> <Int. scanner room. The Doctor has sketched quite a
> complicated schematic. He rips it off the pad and hands it
> to Grierson.>
>
> Doctor: Could you do that?

MIKE: <Doctor> And could you fill in for me on Thursday?

> Grierson: It's possible.

TOM: <Grierson> ...well, no.

> It would take a bit of time, though. I'd
> have to rejig about...eleven circuits there.

MIKE: <Doctor> I'd rather you rewaltzed them.

> Doctor: <very serious> All right, well then get about it.
> Grierson: You can't....

CROW: <Grierson> ...wear paisley with that scarf!

> Doctor: Tell no one what you're doing.
> Grierson: You can't point the radar dishes down here, sir!
> They'd jam every radio and electronic circuit for miles.
> There'd be chaos.

TOM: <Doctor> All the better to invade you with, my dear!
MIKE: No, this is the *real* Doctor, not the android.
TOM: Oh.

> Doctor: <tired> Nothing like the chaos there'll be if you
> don't do it, Grierson.
>
> <Harry and Faraday return.>
>
> Faraday: Doctor! What the devil's going on?
> Doctor: An invasion of Earth is going on, Colonel.

CROW: Just like every other Doctor Who episode set on Earth.
MIKE: Oh, there were one or two where the aliens didn't want
 to invade.

> Faraday: What?!
> Doctor: Let's get to your office. You've got some important
> phone calls to make.

TOM: <Doctor> Your loan officer called and wants a word with
 you.

> Crayford's sold you out to the Kraals.

CROW: <perky voice> For the low, low price of a buck seventy-
 nine!

> Faraday: Kraals? Never heard of them!
>
> <They storm out together as Grierson contemplates the
> Doctor's schematic sketch.>

MIKE: <Grierson, pondering> Lessee, I'll start with the
 doohickey and wire it to the thingamabobber....

> ***
>
> <Int. space defense centre, entering the CO's office.>
>
> Harry: Have you actually seen these androids, Doctor?
> Doctor: Indeed I have.

TOM: <Doctor> Indeed, I'm looking at one right now.

> Faraday: <righteously indignant> I'll not have my command
> infiltrated by aliens!
> Harry: <quietly> Sir, they may already be among us.

MIKE: <fake laugh> Oh, it's dramatic irony! Oh, the joy!

> Doctor: They made replicas of you and Harry, Colonel.
> Faraday: <sitting down behind his desk> Of me?! Confounded
> cheek, how dare they!
> Harry: I think I should run a complete medical check on
> everyone.

CROW: Good idea. Then when somebody refuses the check and
 blows you away, you'll know they're a duplicate.

> Faraday: Good idea, Sullivan. <nods> That'll nail 'em, eh,
> Doctor?
> Doctor: Yes, but it would take too long.

MIKE: Yeah, it'd take several weeks and the invasion is only
 supposed to take a few hours.

> We can use this. <takes a
> device out of his pocket, a white box with a single red
> light>
> Harry: What's that?

CROW: <Flynn> I make these myself. Want one?
MIKE: *Please* tell me somebody will get that.
TOM: <Alan> He's a little like Santa Claus.

> Doctor: It's a robot detector.

MIKE: And it's going to detect the officers, right, we get it
 already, movie....

> It lights up in the presence of
> androids.

CROW: Which it's going to do any second now....

> <It lights up.>

ALL: <gasp theatrically>

> Faraday: Thing must be faulty.
> Doctor: <calmly> I don't think so. I see I was just too
> late.
> Android Doctor: <os> A pity you had to find out.
> <The real Doctor spins around in shock to see his duplicate
> standing in the doorway pointing a gun at him.>

CROW: Oh, great...look out, guys, cheezy body double shots are
 coming your way!

> Android Doctor: We didn't want any shooting until our
> takeover was complete.

MIKE: Well, that's one way to reduce ammunition costs.

> Doctor: <cheery> Hello, Doctor! We've been waiting for you.
> <steps forward>
> Android Doctor: Stand back, Doctor!
> Doctor: You know, the resemblance is astonishing. For a
> moment, I thought I was seeing double.

TOM: But...he can't see himself, so he might think he's seeing
 his reflection....
CROW: Heh, maybe the stress of reentry affected his vision and
 he really *is* seeing double.

> <Suddenly, the Doctor slams the door shut on his duplicate,
> dashes past the android Harry and Faraday and leaps out the
> window.>

MIKE: Hey, guys, I just had a thought. What if the Doctor was
 played by Jackie Chan?

 [Long pause as the 'BOTS contemplate this concept.]

CROW: Well, when it comes to cheese, this is right up Jackie's
 alley.

> <CUT TO outside, in the car park. The Doctor rolls to a stop
> in a shower of broken window glass. Sarah appears around a
> corner in the distance.>
>
> Sarah: Doctor! Doctor, this way!

TOM: Oh no, Sarah, not this way. All ways are the Queen's Way,
 you know.
MIKE: And don't go painting the roses red.

> <He picks himself up and runs towards her. They flee amid
> gunfire from the android Doctor's pistol.>

CROW: These androids really give 'bots a bad name. I mean,
 I'll beat that poor marksmanship anyday!

> <CUT TO int. CO's office. Faraday is on the facility
> intercom. We see a shot of a young woman, an office worker,
> looking up as she hears the announcement. We also see the
> android Benton, listening.>
>
> Android Faraday: Attention, attention.

MIKE: <young woman> Okay, I'm listening already, geez....

> It has been confirmed the
> Doctor is attempting to sabotage our defense system. He is
> at large somewhere inside the complex.
>
> <CUT TO a shot of Sarah and the Doctor fleeing outside. They
> pause behind a corner.>
>
> Android Faraday: <os> Saturation search will begin at once.

TOM: <Faraday> Then we will bring the search out of solution
 and try again.
MIKE: <shakes his head, groaning>

> He is
> armed and dangerous, and all personnel have the authority to
> shoot on sight. That is all.
> Sarah: <breathing heavily> So the androids *have* taken
> over.

CROW: Hey, she doesn't know that. For all she knows, the
 Doctor might have just screwed up and gotten himself in
 trouble. Again.

> Doctor: Looks like.
> Sarah: What about the *real* Harry and Colonel Faraday?
> Doctor: They must be up there in the rocket with Styggron.

TOM: I call a continuity foul! Sarah hasn't seen Harry or
 Faraday and can't possibly know they've been duplicated!
MIKE: Seconded. "Android Invasion," take a five-yard penalty!

> <They sidle towards the edge of the building and peer across
> at the rocket. It doesn't look anything at all like the
> rocket that appeared in the launch sequence.

CROW: Oh no, the aliens have replaced the rocket with an evil
 duplicate as well!

> Sarah: We've got to help them *somehow*!
> Doctor: Our only chance is to stop the androids before they
> take over the complex. <He moves to leave.>

TOM: <dull> Oh. More dramatic irony. Wow.

> Sarah: <startled> Where are you going?
> Doctor: To the scanner room. You stay here, Sarah.

MIKE: <as to a dog> Stay. Staaaayyyy.... Good girl!

> <He sprints away.>
>
> ***
>
> <Shot of the scanner room. Grierson is hard at work.>

CROW: <Grierson> Lessee now, put the whatchamacallit in the
 thingumabobber....
TOM: Y'know, he should just accept that the instructions he
 got off the web for making a cable descrambler just won't
 work.
MIKE: Sad, really.

> ***
>
> <Int. space defense centre, main entrance. The Doctor enters
> and is stopped by Benton, who raises a gun at him.>
>
> Android Benton: Hold it, Doctor.
> Doctor: <deprecating> Don't be a fool, Benton, I'm one of
> you! Didn't you hear the Colonel just now?

TOM: <Doctor> He ordered us to start making greasy chicken
 products, on the double, man!

> The Doctor's not here, he's at large
> somewhere in the complex!
> Android Benton: <lowers the gun, abashed> Oh yes of course
> sir. I'm sorry sir.

MIKE: <Benton> I'm a complete idiot and you should just
 deactivate me while you're at it.

> Doctor: It's all right, Benton, but keep your wits about you.

ALL: <snigger>
TOM: Telling these androids to keep their wits about them is
 like giving a fish advice about his bicycle collection.

> Nobody knows who's who around here.
>
> <The Doctor proceeds on to the scanner room.>
>
> ***
>
> <Ext. rocket gantry. It's a red metal staircase against a
> CSO backdrop. Sarah's climbing up it. It's windy.>

CROW: Well, wind-machine-y, anyway.

>
> ***
>
> <Int. scanner room.>

TOM: char doctor, grierson;
MIKE: Oh, you just had to go and do a C joke before the
 episode was over, didn't you?
TOM: Yep!

> Doctor: Have you finished, Grierson?
> Grierson: Almost there, Doctor.

CROW: <Red Leader> Almost there...almost there....

> Doctor: We haven't got a second to lose, man.
>
> ***
>
> <Int. space defense centre, main entrance. The android
> Doctor walks in and is stopped by Benton with a raised gun.>
>
> Android Benton: Hold it, Doctor.

TOM: <Benton> I'm not gonna be fooled *this* time!

> Android Doctor: Don't be a fool, Benton, I'm one of you.
>
> <Benton opens fire.

MIKE: Oh no, the Kraals mistakenly gave Benton the mind of a
 disgruntled postal worker! Oh noooo!!!!

> The bullets have no effect on the android.>
>
> Android Doctor: <quiet and dangerous> Satisfied?

TOM: <Doctor> ...punk?

> Android Benton: <confused> But...but I thought you were...he
> passed me just a minute ago.

CROW: <Benton> He also sold me Sydney Harbor Bridge, is that
 okay?

> Android Doctor: Which way did he go?
> Android Benton: <confusion resolved> To the scanner room.
>
> <The android Doctor heads off.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. scanner room. Grierson is working hard on a circuit
> board, pressing components into their sockets.>

MIKE: Hey, plug-and-play radar components. Nice.

> Grierson: Ah! I've done it.

CROW: <Grierson, insane> Now I can finally implement my plan
 to take over the world! Yessss! Mwaahaahahahahahahaha!!!!

> <He puts the circuit board in.>
>
> <CUT TO Space Defense Station model shot. The dish antenna
> slowly moves down.>

TOM: Well, I'm glad the model works, but what about the *real*
 dish antenna?

> <CUT back.>
>
> Grierson: All we have to do now is switch on the power.

MIKE: <manic singing voice> I've got the powwwerrrr!!!

> Doctor: <os> Good.
>
> <Grierson goes to switch on the power, but a shot rings out
> and he falls to the ground.

CROW: <Grierson> The RAM chips...are in the....<death rattle>

> We cut to see the Doctor whirl around to face
> his android duplicate.>
>
> Android Doctor: A clever way to jam android's circuits, but
> not quick enough.
>
> <Crayford enters, having just come down from the rocket.>
>
> Crayford: What's going on?
> Android Doctor: The Doctor has interfered in our plans for
> the last time.

TOM: Gee, I wonder where I've heard that before.

> Crayford: But Styggron promised me there would be no
> killing. Android Doctor: Fool. Do you really think the
> Kraals will spare humanity?

CROW: <Crayford> Well, I was kinda hoping Styggron could spare
 me some change at least....

> Styggron has a virus in your ship that will destroy every
> man, woman and child in the world.

MIKE: <Android Doctor> It's called Windows 2000.

> Crayford: <nervous, not wanting to believe it> Styggron
> wouldn't do that! He, he's a surgeon! A genius!

ALL: <snigger helplessly>

> Look what he did for me!

TOM: <Crayford> He made me into a complete nincompoop! He did!

> Doctor: He did nothing for you, Crayford. Absolutely nothing
> at all. Except brainwash you.

MIKE: <Doctor> And he didn't separate the lights from the
 darks first.

> Crayford: <quiet> That's not true.

CROW: <Crayford> He didn't brainwash me, he whitewashed me!

> Doctor: You were hijacked by the Kraals, Crayford. Nothing
> went wrong with your rocket, Crayford,

TOM: Well, unless you count being piloted by a complete moron.

> you weren't even injured. Take off
> the eyepatch and look for yourself.
>
> <Crayford slowly turns and walks to a mirror on the wall.

MIKE: <Crayford> Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the
 dumbest one of all?

> Hesitantly,

TOM: <Crayford> Should I?

> he reaches up to his face, touches the eyepatch

TOM: <Crayford> I wanna, and yet....

> -- and pulls it
> sharply away.

TOM: <Crayford> Oh, why not?

> Underneath is a perfectly good eye.

MIKE: <Crayford> D'oh!

> He closes both
> eyes as he realizes that the Doctor's been right all along.

ALL: Wah, wah, wah, waaaaaaah....

> Furious,
> he storms back towards the rocket access.

CROW: <Crayford, muttering> That rat-bastard Styggron,
 leaving me with a perfectly good eye all this time.... Why,
 I oughtta....

> The Doctor takes advantage
> of the distraction and knocks the gun away from the android.

TOM: <Doctor> Haikeeba!

> The
> 'droid is stronger, though, and throws him down the short
> steps to the lower level of the room. The android Doctor
> presses a button to activate an alarm.>

CROW: <Holly> Emergency. Emergency. There's an emergency going
 on. It's still going on. Emergency.

> ***
>
> <Int. hallway of space defense centre. The android versions
> of Harry and Benton hear it.>
>
> Harry: The scanner room.

MIKE: Oh, so the androids are psychic, fine.
TOM: No, I'm sure they've got built-in radios or something.
CROW: Hah, that's nothing! I've got a Ethernet transponder
 built right into my head!

> <They set off running.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. scanner room. The Doctor sits up and fixes his eyes on
> the radar power switch.

MIKE: <Uri Gellar> MOVE!!!

> He picks himself up and heads for it, but the the
> android Doctor leaps down over the upper console and tackles
> him. A fight breaks out between the Doctor and his
> duplicate.

TOM: Well, between Tom Baker and Terry Walsh in a bad wig,
 anyway.

> The android
> has the upper hand

CROW: He has the upper hand? Does that mean he's gonna snap
 off his own hand and throw it at the Doctor?
TOM: <D-84> Please do not throw hands at me.

> and throws the Doctor around a few times until
> he lands next to Grierson, who is not dead after all, but
> trying to keep out of the way of the combatants.

CROW: <Grierson> I'm not dead yet....
MIKE: <John Cleese> Quiet, you'll be stone dead in a moment.

> The android grabs a chair to kill the
> Doctor with and the androids Harry, Faraday and Benton
> enter the room. But before they can kill him, the Doctor
> hits the switch and the 'droids all freeze.

TOM: Harry has performed an illegal operation and will be shut
 down.
CROW: General protection fault in module COLONEL.EXE.
 <chuckles>

> The Doctor slumps limply back, relieved.>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. rocket pod bay. All the launch cradles are empty now.
> Sarah enters in search of Harry and Colonel Faraday.>
>
> Sarah: Harry?

CROW: ...Potter and the Philosopher's Stone?

> <She closes the door behind her.>
>
> Harry: <os> Sarah? Sarah, where....

MIKE: Where Sarah?
CROW: There. There Sarah.
TOM: <faux alarm> She's a weresarah! A weresarah!

> Sarah: Harry!
>
> <She runs across the pod bay and we see Harry and Faraday
> all tied up and sitting in a sunken corner of the pod bay.>

TOM: <chuckles> So the Kraals added a sunken living room area.
MIKE: <adman voice> For the best in studio living in an
 interplanetary environment, contact Styggron!

> Harry: What's going on?
> Sarah: It's a long story. For a start, you've got a very
> nasty twin.
> Harry: Twin?

CROW: <Harry> Hey, now I can get a part in a Doublemint Gum
 ad!

> ***
>
> <Int. scanner room. The Doctor is checking up on Grierson.
> Grierson is clutching his shoulder -- presumably that's
> where the bullet went.>

TOM: <Grierson> Ow, ow, owie, ouch, ow....

> Doctor: You all right?
> Grierson: Yeah, I think so, Doctor.

MIKE: <Grierson> Uh, it *is* normal for the bone to be
 sticking through my flesh like that, right?

> Doctor: Good. <sighs with relief> Where's Crayford?
> Grierson: He went back to the rocket.
> Doctor: Did he. <puts his hat on>
>
> ***
>
> <Int. rocket pod bay. Sarah has untied Harry's wrists and is
> working on Faraday's while Harry works on freeing his own
> feet.>
>
> Faraday: It's all very well, but what *are* these androids?

CROW: They're the wacky, fun-loving cast of UPN's latest mid-
 season replacement series!

> Sarah: Shhh! I keep telling you! They're robots controlled
> by Styggron.
>
> <Styggron enters, holding the virus and his ray gun.>

MIKE: Speaking of whom....

> Styggron: <delighted> The enterprising Earth girl!

TOM: As opposed to the Excelsioring Earth girl, of course.

> No! Don't move!
> The sensors indicated an intruder. I hardly expected to find
> it was you.
> Sarah: No, I suppose you thought I was still a prisoner on
> your planet.

MIKE: <Styggron> Actually, I was expecting the pizza delivery
 guy.

> Styggron: I know the Doctor managed to escape, but you must
> indeed have a charmed life.
> Sarah: What are you getting at?
> Styggron: You were to have been the first human victim of
> the billions to be destroyed by this virus. <holds up the
> virus capsule>

CROW: <Styggron> See? Here it is, here's the thing you have to
 destroy! Here's the resolution to the plot!

> *How* did you escape death?
> Sarah: <no response -- just stares at Styggron>

TOM: <Sarah> Daaaaah....

> Styggron: Did you not drink the water?
> Sarah: Water?

CROW: <Sarah> Huh? Water? What water? I don't remember ever
 being given any water while I was a prisoner on your
 planet....
MIKE: The flight to Earth must've scrambled all her "plot
 development" brain cells.

> Crayford: <os> Styggron!
>
> <Styggron turns to see Crayford standing in the door,
> eyepatch gone and seeing through both eyes. He looks majorly
> pissed.>

CROW: <dramatic> Crayford's back, and this time it's personal.

> Crayford: You have betrayed me!
> Styggron: Betrayed you? I used you, Crayford, as I used the
> androids.

TOM: "Used"?
MIKE: Uh....
CROW: I do *not* want to know.

> But you are no longer of any value.

MIKE: Just like the ruble.

> <Crayford jumps Styggron. The virus capsule falls to the
> ground.

TOM: Y'know, I wonder if anybody's going to "accidentally"
 step on it.

> They struggle for a moment, but then Styggron throws
> Crayford off and shoots him with the ray gun. Crayford falls
> to the ground.

MIKE: <Crayford> I am dead, Horatio....

> As Styggron
> inspects his handiwork,

CROW: <Styggron> Hmm...a little high and to the right, but not
 bad....

> the Doctor enters the rocket right behind him.>
>
> Doctor: Excuse me.

TOM: <Doctor> I'm looking for Crayford. Have you seen him
 any...oh.

> <Styggron spins, but not fast enough. The Doctor nails him
> with a bit of Venusian Akido

CROW: Venusian Akido?
MIKE: Yeah, the Doctor's the only bipedal master of Venusian
 Akido in the entire universe. See, normally, you need ten
 limbs to do it....
CROW: That's nice, Mike.

> and throws him right onto the virus capsule,
> which shatters. The green goop inside smears all over
> Styggron's face.

TOM: <ominous> Split pea soup gone horribly wrong....

> Styggron screams and the Doctor instinctively moves to help,
> but Styggron fires at him. The Doctor goes down clutching
> his shoulder, falling right down among Sarah, Harry, and
> Faraday.>

MIKE: Ah, a fatal shoulder-wounding.

> Sarah: Doctor! Oh, no!
> Doctor: <os> Don't waste any tears on him, Sarah.

TOM: Huh?

> <They look up to see the Doctor in the entryway.>

CROW: Oh, it was an android duplicate all along!
MIKE: Oh, for fun!

> Doctor: He's only an android.
> Sarah: <standing> An android?

TOM: Y'know, she's been repeating an awful lot of stuff this
 episode.
CROW: Repeating?

> Doctor: Yes. My replica. I reprogrammed it to confuse
> Styggron.

CROW: <Sarah> Styggron?

> <They look down to see the android's skin fade away,
> revealing the exoskeleton beneath.>

CROW: <Sarah> Exoskeleton?
MIKE: That's enough.
CROW: <Sarah> Enough?
MIKE: Stop.
CROW: <Sarah> Stop?
MIKE: You wouldn't want me to burn your hidden stash of tattoo
 magazines, now would you?
CROW: <quiet> I'll be good.

> Sarah: Please, don't *ever* do anything like that again.
> Doctor: <chuckles> Come on.
>
> <They all leave the rocket.>

TOM: <giddy> And they all skipped happily out into the
 wonderful pink fluffy world of ever after!
MIKE: <dark> Little did they know, they were already carrying
 minute quantities of the virus which was rapidly reproducing
 inside of them. Within hours, they would be dead, and the
 world would soon follow.
CROW: Dark, much?

> ***
>
> <Ext. Devesham Woods, closeup of what looks a lot like a
> Purple Loosestrife flower stalk.

TOM: A metaphor for the strangling of North American resources
 by European invaders, or just a pretty picture? You decide!

> Pull back to see Sarah and the Doctor
> strolling calmly through the woods.>

MIKE: Doodeedoodeedoo, walking through the woods, everything's
 happy and cheerful, doodeedoodeedoo....

> Sarah: Oh, how could we ever have been fooled?

CROW: <snicker> Don't linger on that thought, Sarah.

> Doctor: How do you mean?
> Sarah: This *really* is Earth!
> Doctor: <mock seriousness> Are you sure?

TOM: BA-BUM!!!
 [MIKE chuckles]

> <Sarah grins and follows him onward. They reach the TARDIS
> and the Doctor opens the door for Sarah.>
>
> Doctor: After you?
> Sarah: <shakes her head grinning> I'm going home. And I'm
> going by taxi!

MIKE: That'll be one heck of a fare; they're at a rocket range
 that's gotta be at least fifty miles from the outskirts of
 London.

> Doctor: Oh. <grins> I'll make you an offer. I'll take you
> home!
> Sarah: <smiling> How can I refuse?

CROW: <Godfather voice> You can't; this is an offer you can't
 refuse.
TOM: She refuses, then wakes up the next day to find K9's head
 in bed with her.

> <She goes into the TARDIS, which dematerializes.

MIKE: Vworp, vworp, grinding noises, howling elephants, all of
 that.

> Cue music, cut to credits.>
>
> Doctor Who
> TOM BAKER

CROW: <wistful> You were the noblest Doctor of them all!

> Sarah Jane Smith
> ELISABETH SLADEN
>
> Harry Sullivan
> IAN MARTER

MIKE: The late, great writer of many a children's book and
 Target novelization.... <wistful sigh>

> Colonel Faraday
> PATRICK NEWELL

TOM: <singing> The first Newell the angels did say
 Was to certain poor colonels at Space Defense Centre....

> Guy Crayford
> MILTON JOHNS
>
> Styggron
> MARTIN FRIEND

CROW: Hey, isn't that a new musical by Claude-Michel
 Schoenberg?
MIKE: No, you're thinking of "Martin Guerre."
CROW: Ah, I see....

> RSM Benton
> JOHN LEVENE
>
> Coporal Adams
> MAX FAULKNER

TOM: Hey, I saw him on "The Prisoner" once.
MIKE: Really?
TOM: Yeah, he was getting his butt kicked by Patrick McGoohan.

> Grierson
> DAVE CARTER

CROW: ...as the baffled mission controller.

> Matthews
> HUGH LUND

CROW: ...as the redshirt.
MIKE: So he's an upscale Twin Cities grocery store?

> Tessa
> HEATHER EMMANUEL

CROW: ...as Lieutenant Ohura.

> Fight Arranger
> TERRY WALSH

MIKE: Brother "Terry Cloth."

> Written by
> TERRY NATION

TOM: <singing> We're the great Terry Nation....

> Production Unit Manager
> JANET RADENKOVIC
>
> Production Assistant
> MARION McDOUGALL
>
> Title Music by
> RON GRAINER &
> BBC RADIOPHONIC
> WORKSHOP

CROW: Any relation to Children's Television Workshop?

> Title Sequence
> BERNARD LODGE
>
> Incidental Music by
> DUDLEY SIMPSON

MIKE: <Dudley Do-Right> Nell!

> Special Sound
> DICK MILLS
>
> Costume Designer
> BARBARA LANE
>
> Make-up
> SYLVIA THORNTON

MIKE: Ow!
TOM: You okay, Mike?
MIKE: I think I just got a Thornton in my finger....

> Visual Effects Designer
> LEN HUTTON
>
> Studio Lighting
> DUNCAN BROWN
>
> Studio Sound
> ALAN MACHIN

CROW: Uh....I'm running out of riffs for these people.

> Film Cameraman
> LEN NEWSON
>
> Film Sound
> DOUG MAWSON

MIKE: It's okay, Crow. Just sit tight. It's almost over.

> Film Editor
> MIKE STOFFER
>
> Script Editor
> ROBERT HOLMES

TOM: Okay, we're in the home stretch now.

> Designer
> PHILIP LINDLEY
>
> Producer
> PHILIP HINCHCLIFFE

CROW: Wow, even his *name* is a cliffhanger!

> Directed by
> BARRY LETTS
>
>
> BBC COLOUR
>
> (C)BBC 1976

TOM: Distributed in America by Lionheart Television and
 CBS/FOX.
CROW: Some settling may occur during shipment.
MIKE: If not fully satisfied with this serial, please address
 complaints to dev/null.

 [ALL exit the theater]

[*...2...3...4...5...6]



[SoL]

[Everybody is standing behind the desk. The skeletal android
is gone and now there is a large black pod on the counter. It 
looks for all the world like a cruder version of the one used 
by the Kraals to deliver androids to the Earth's surface.]

MIKE: I see you've got your android all packed up and ready
 to go.
TOM: Yep! He's all set.
CROW: <shouting to the side> Ready, Gypsy?
GYPSY: <os> Ready!
MIKE: How's Gypsy involved in all this?
CROW: Oh, she's controlling the launch apparatus. <to GYPSY>
 Fire torped...er, deploy the android descent module!
GYPSY: <os> Right!

[With a mechanical whirr, the pod slides off the counter and
out of camera range.

MIKE: Cambot, give me Rocket Number Nine!


[CUT TO a shot of the exterior of the Satellite of Love. The 
pod is shown dropping away from the SOL and towards Earth. CUT 
BACK TO the SOL. Everyone is watching the pod's fall on the 
hexfield. GYPSY enters from the right. She's wearing her giant 
headset from "Mitchell."]


GYPSY: It's away!
TOM: Farewell, sweet android. Complete your mission with
 dignity and restore the world's faith in unconvincing robot
 FX.
MIKE: So, what did you program it to do, anyway?
GYPSY: Module has penetrated Earth's troposphere. Firing
 retros!
CROW: Oh, just infiltrate Deep 13 and then use its resources
 to launch a massive attack on UPN.
MIKE: Understandable, really.
GYPSY: Fifteen seconds to impact!
TOM: Hey, I wonder what Dr F will be doing when the invasion
 comes.
CROW: Hmmm....
GYPSY: Ten seconds!
MIKE: Well, let's find out. <hits the Button>


[Deep 13]

[DOCTOR FORRESTER is wearing a lime-green terrycloth robe and 
pink bunny slippers. He's shuffling around Deep 13 in search 
of something.]

DR F: Now, where *did* I leave that shiatsu machine? It's 
 times like these I wish I still had Frank.....

[As he bends down to rummage through a particularily unsteady 
pile of mad science miscellany, we hear a whistling sound, 
similar to a falling bomb or meteor, gradually increasing in 
volume as the pitch steadily drops due to the Doppler Effect. 
There is a tremendous crash, and dust and smoke fill the 
screen.]


[SoL]

TOM: Whoa.


[Deep 13]

[The smoke clears. We see DR F, largely unharmed, standing 
next to the pile of stuff, which has, amazingly enough not 
tipped over. There is a gaping hole in the ceiling, and the 
android pod is sitting on the floor, having succesfully 
penetrated Deep 13.]

DR F: <coughs> Well. I wonder what caused *that*.

[He looks around and spots the pod.]

DR F: Well, I'll be. Maybe Joel's finally returned to my
 clutches. <chuckles evilly to himself>

[He walks up to the pod, which begins to slowly open. The 
skeletal android rises up out of it quite stiffly. It stands 
and turns to face DR F. It extends its hands out in front of 
it in an obvious strangle position and advances on the mad 
scientist.]

ROBOT: Tickets please.

[Pause while DR F stands there flabbergasted by this non 
sequitor.]

DR F: <recovering> I beg your pardon?

[The robot is nearly on DR F now and makes a grab for him.]

ROBOT: Tickets please.
DR F: <ducking> What on Earth are you talking about?

[DR F makes a dodge around the unsteady pile of miscellany. 
The robot tries again to nab him, but misses once again due 
to its unweildy nature and strikes the pile instead.]

ROBOT: Tickets pleeeeEEYYYAAAAAAAAGH!

[The pile tips over and collapses, burying the robot. The 
pile thrashes a few times, then lies still.]

DR F: <to pile> That'll teach you to smash into my lab. <to
 self> Now, I wonder where *that* could've come from....

[He looks up and around, pondering, then notices MIKE & CO. 
are looking in. He squints as he peers into the camera lens.]


[SoL]

ALL: <nervous laughter>
TOM: <to CROW> Oh, you just *had* to go and program him with
 the script from "The Greatest Show in the Galaxy," didn't
 you?


[Deep 13]

[DR F looks very displeased. He's now holding a very large ray
gun. The pile behind him is smouldering.]

DR F: So, you thought to destroy me, eh? Well it's not going
 to work, you hear me? It won't work! <chuckles for no
 good reason> And just for that, Nelkirk, I'm sending you
 an extra movie this week. Set your VCRs to pain, my
 friends, because tomorrow I'm sending you "Doctor Who:
 Dalek Invasion Earth 2160 AD!"

[He pushes the Button.]


      |         Mystery Science Theater 3000 and its 
      |         situations and characters are the property 
   \  |  /      of Best Brains, Inc.  "Doctor Who" is the 
    \ | /       property of BBC Worldwide.  This transcript 
     \|/        was made by Kirstin Beall and should not be 
------o------   assumed to be 100% accurate.  The dialog
     /|\        and situations were created by the late
    / | \       Terry Nation.  No disrespect is intended,
   /  |  \      nor should any be inferred.  It's all fun 
      |         and games, until someone gets their eye
      |         poked out.  So play nice, kiddies.

> Sarah: So, providing we don't burn up on reentry, and
> aren't suffocated on the way down, we'll probably be
> smashed to a pulp when we land.
> Doctor: Exactly!

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